Our friendship was strong
Our friend ship was amazing
But ya know what.....
Our friendship...was you and me
I knew our friendship was amazing
I knew our friendship was strong
But I also knew that our friendship would never last
because,I tore us apart...
And you went away...
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
I'm afraid I have to agree with Cade - there's nothing here for the reader to connect with. We've all lost friends, it's true, but you can't rely on the reader's experiences to carry your poem. What you're aiming to do is involve us, to cause us to feel along with you. The best way to do this is to use poetic language and devices such as similes and metaphors.
Also, you might want to consider showing rather than telling. For example, instead of telling us your friendship was amazing, show us. Describe some fun times you've had with your friend, and try to express what it was that made it so amazing. Did he/she always make you laugh? Did you like the same music? Share the same middle name?
Basically, we want something personal. Don't be afraid to use details (or make them up XD) to illustrate your point. Remember, you want to convince us that this person is amazing and that what you had was special. Then we'll be able to feel with you when you are upset at losing them. You might also want to tell us how your friendship ended, and why you felt it would never last. It may sound like I'm prying, but frankly, poetry does not work unless there is some kind of connection - that is, unless the reader can understand. A bunch of lines about how "amazing" something was and little else does not establish an emotional connection with your readers, and that is what you need to make this poem effective.
If you want any more help, feel free to PM me
Cheers,
~bubbles
This really doesn't have any appeal to a reader. I'm glad you can tell a really generic story using only cliches and poor grammar, but until you can tell the story in a way that a reader will find new and interesting, in a way the reader can connect to and feel for, the poem won't succeed. I suggest you go to your local public library and read some good poetry.
Also, nix the ellipses. They're meaningless.
-Colleen
Seriously i thought that was really very well written, and it clearly came from the heart.
I really liked the style and the structure of the poem aswell!