Hi there! A belated welcome to the site ^_^
1. I like the stuff about the soul flowers; it's interesting. I think it's fine at the beginning of the novel. It's actually a pretty good introduction, peaking my interest and making me want to read more into these flowers. There are a few ways you could make it a bit stronger though.
Deep in the mortal realm of the abyss, the light from the soul flowers shone through the impenetrable purple glass imbued with the 2 gods' energy, making the originally dark and unwelcome appearance of the abyss somewhat pleasant to the eye.
This opening sentence is long. Yes it is all grammatically correct, but it drags. Flow, how the novel reads, is very important. It sets a sort of pace for your readers and it just sounds right while one is reading. I am a short sentence writer so maybe this is coming from my own bias. I think it would read better if it were two sentences instead of one. Talk about the mortal realm and the light from the soul flowers. Then make a new sentence about how it makes the dark area better. That's two complete thoughts about the same idea.
Just as a general rule, all numbers that can be spelled out in one word should be written out. There are a few numbers in here you could spell out.
In the second paragraph we are introduced to Robby, who I'm assuming will be your main character. However, he's just kind of thrown into the story at this point. We're talking about soul flowers and the realm and all of sudden there's Robby. Who is this guy? What is he doing here? Not saying you have to answer these questions in the introduction because we'll learn about him more as the novel progresses, but think about introducing us to him earlier in the chapter. Or give him a few sentences to himself instead of trying to weave him into the description.
Your description is definitely not an info dump. This is the beginning of your novel. We don't know anything about this world you've created or the characters or the story about to take place. We need this information. And like I'm sure I've mentioned, it peaks my interest. I wanted to know about the soul flowers and this realm that Robby is in. Also, two paragraphs is hardly an info dump
I've read novels where authors spend pages on a certain thing. They published it without changing it so someone somewhere was okay with it! Definitely keep it.It was just air, darkness, and that little floating "island" supported by a big, glowing purple crystal at the bottom of the isle. And on that isle, a person with long, messy hair was laying on his stomach, tapping his finger on the ground with a blank expression on his face.
In these two sentences you use the word 'island' (I'm referring to 'isle' as well since it's a synonym) three times. Repetition can be a good thing in writing, but it can also be annoying, for lack of better term. Since these words are so close together it's monotonous. Remember, you don't always have to use words by their name. Use the word 'it' or 'that'. We will still know what you are talking about, no worries. My rule of thumb is wait a few sentences before you use that word again. I try to think about when the reader might start forgetting I'm talking about, for example, an island. That's when I'll use the word again. Make sense?
Also from this excerpt, I'm under the impression that this person is Robby? Since we already know his name, feel free to use it! Instead of saying 'a person' you can say 'Robby'. With how it's written now it makes me think there's someone else there with Robby. Judging by the rest of the chapter, no one else is there.
2. The dialogue is great. It's definitely not too much, I think it's the perfect amount! You always have to find that good balance between dialogue and descriptions. You never want to have straight dialogue for ten pages or straight description for ten pages. Of course, every writer is different so you may see people who do that. Writing is weird wherein rules apply, but don't really at the same time xD
So anyway, back to the dialogue. The banter is part of their character development. I skimmed over the previous reviews and I saw that you commented Robby and Kyrie (LOVE the name by the way) are supposed to be sort of aunt and nephew relationship. Since they're so close they would be talking like this. It makes sense.
The only thing I would mention about the dialogue though is the formatting. Let me give you some examples.
"You still haven't given this place a makeover?"she asked, tapping the blue orb that she was holding with both of her hands.
"It feels like no one is living here. It doesn't look like someone's room at all!" Kyrie said, untying the red ribbon that was holding her long and luscious strands of black hair with her left hand.
These two sentences feel like two different people are talking. Typically a new line of dialogue means a change in the speaker. However, together this is Kyrie speaking all at once. Now, you can still have that tag line (the part I underlined) between dialogue. It connects the sentences and gives us a break from the dialogue. I saw this a couple of other times, but I won't point them all out for you.
She squinted, and then proceeded to make banter
Don't tell us they made banter. I want to read the banter!
Banter is wonderful for character development. It might seem like you're boring us, but really we're learning about the characters and this world they are in. It also makes me wonder if we're missing out on something important that one of them could've said.3. The descriptions are good. I think there's just enough description. Honestly, if the descriptions are too detailed that's just your style. Don't change your writing style because of what other people like! If that's how you want to write your novel, write it like that
4. The ending works. It's a good stopping point in the action. The thing with chapter endings is that they really don't have to be so finalizing. If you think of it in terms of a physical novel, your readers will simply turn the next page and continue reading. Chapters can lead one into the other or have a complete break between. Both work and both are good. This chapter feels like a true introduction to your novel so it is good that there's sort of a break here.
Overall this is a strong opening chapter. We get a good introduction into your world and your characters. Your writing is good, just a few things to tweak to make it amazing!
Here's some advice. Don't be so hard on yourself. I know that's hard to follow, I was like that at one point as well. Your writing comes from you and it's up to you to make it amazing. There is only so much that I can tell you as a reader. You're in charge of your own story, make it what you want it to be! Be confident in your work because it is amazing <3
Let me know when you post the next chapter! I'll gladly come back to read more.
Keep writing!
**Noelle**
Points: 3733
Reviews: 1417
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