Here i lie again
in this dark night
the shadows my only friend
heart broker
here i lie again
alone in this night
the shadows move and spin
the lies they tell me
falling deeper and deeper in this despire
night over night
i just sit here, alone. . .
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,855 Reviews
Ladypurple got most of the nitpicks I was going to point out, but I have one more thing to add.
Don't forget to capitalize your sentences, "I"s, and use punctuation. I'd also like to say I agree with Isha, Pally, and Twisty about the whole outline thing...God, by this point that seems REALLY redundant, doesn't it? Anyway I think you should definitely keep writing, because this is the kind of thing that's improved with practice. Just read your reviews and listen to any advice you're given.
Hope I helped!
~Annie
Nice. Grammar is in bold.
Nice wording, but I think it leaves the reader a little confused as to what is going on. Is this the whole poem, or are you planning on adding on to it?
Hey, Isha here to review.
First off, I would like to say that the lack of punctuation and capitilization is the first thing that threw me off. Even before I read it, I saw all of the small 'i's' and went, "Uhhh..." So just a tip: If you ever want to be taken seriously as a writer, punctuation and capitilization are VERY important.
The second thing I want to tell you about is my agreement with Pall and Twist. The poem seemed like an outline, something that you jotted out quickly to give yourself a basic idea of what you wanted the poem to say. You need more imagery, and it needs to be fresher. Lines that are overused are cliché and rather boring. There's nothing to really pull you in, just a bunch of words that dont' really say much anymore.
But, it isn't a bad start. If you can mix around your words, add more images and ask questions. Like Twist had said, ask yourself what it looks like, what if feels like and how it can be demonstrated in words. Metaphors, simalies, personifications, et cetra.
Keep working at it, and you'll be sure to improve!
Hope this helps a bit,
Isha.
Hey Iance,
Ok so this is a good start. But i feel like you could add a lot more off of this. When you write a poem you have to ask yourself basic questions off of what you write. So like, this line; 'the shadows move and spin' They move and spin, but what do they look like? Something from the persons worst nigh marers? A type of ghost? Or 'I just sit here, alone' Why does he/she sit alone? What does he/she feel when she sits alone? These are just some questions you could ask yourself to expand on the poem. Also, punctuation at the end of the sentences and capitalize the the "I's".
Overall: It's a good start, and I think it has some real potential to be great! Just ask yourself some questions and go from there! I hope I helped, sorry if I sounded harsh but constructive criticism, right? Good luck!
Hey there Lance. I'm Ladypurple, your reviewer now. You have a slight lack of punctuation. And you need to capitalize "I"s. OK? That's all I gotta say.
~Ladypurple
Greetings I'm LastPaladin and I shall be your reviewer, this piece comes across as the generic mess of cliches and tired ideas, it tries to be poetical with some lines, but instead of coming across as tragic or truly sad, this comes across as boring and severely lacking any merits.
Let me explain, it seems more like the foundations of something rather than the complete poem, you address an idea but never really explore and before it's finished you never really truly address what you wish, it comes across as half hearted and weak. Not exactly what you want in a poem like this, it should be hopeless sounding, and less whiny, address the senses, address the setting.
It just doesn't work, as it seems incomplete, it feels like you had an idea but never really thought about how to write, instead aiming for spewing out a stanza that sounds gritty and edgy but failing in all respects to get to that very conclusion. What it does come across as is, whiny, boring and overall forgettable.
I'm sorry this sounds harsh, but my advice is work on this and elaborate on certain ideas and use the five senses can never go wrong with them, otherwise now it just seems unfinished.
Hope this helps.