Empty Love

Oh this would sound so amazing with some rhythm and rhyme! Ah! Just imagining it is like music!

I really liked the subject of the sculptor making his love out of marble. It seemed so ancient and timeless. Knowing that perfection can be best even if it might be shameful.

I wasn't sure if you were actually trying to rhyme or not toward the end it sounded like it, but the first stanza did not rhyme at all. If you made it rhyme, I would give it stronger rhymes, but I don't want you to become a slave of it. If you have a hard time finding the perfect words, You can always try rewording the line, or using a thesaurus. But if you can't make it rhyme, feel free to get rid of it all together. In my op opinion, you make it rhyme, or you don't rhyme at all.

Some rhythm would also be nice. If you don't know what I mean, really here, read this out loud:
"Before me sits my empty love,
Her perfect cheeks and lips,
Yet I stare in wonder at her eyes,
And caress my masterpiece."

That is what you wrote. I'm going to try and change it so it has rhythm. It probably won't keep the same meaning, but You'll get a taste for what I'm looking for.

"Before me sits my empty love,
Her perfect cheeks and perfect lips,
I stare in wonder at her eyes,
And then caress my masterpiece."

Okay, I didn't really change the meaning. But read that out loud. Doesn't it sound better? I made it so it had unstressed, then stressed then unstressed syllables. If you can't hear the difference, try tapping along to it: ba-DUH ba-DUH ba-Duh ba-Duh. I think you could do that with the whole poem and make it sound super-duper awesome and professional.

Otherwise, this whole poem was GREAT! good job!
Keep writing!

-Fortis Fortitude

Ok so Theres a typo.... Th should be the, sculptures should be sculpture's. ok so this was a huge thing for me, your rhyme scheme changed in the poem! It goes from ABCb to ABCD which isn't good.... Any-who this was a great poem.


~MindBlown

Ok this was a good poem, but there are a few grammatical mistakes in this poem.

Third line in the second stanza I think you meant 'the' instead of 'th'

And I don't know about this, but I believe that in the second stanza that you should have 'sculptures'' instead of 'sculpture's', but I don't know if I'm right or not.

Another thing weird is the rhyme scheme. The rhyme scheme goes A B C B, but the first stanza goes A B C D. While everything else follows something different like in the fourth stanza you used repetition instead of rhyme, and in the second stanza you used a slant rhyme.

Other than all of that, really good poem and the feelings are there, but just fix the problems and you'll have a good poem.

~Paris

This is beautiful. I was a little confused at first, but I quickly caught on. I'm glad I read this, it's simply beautiful.