Published July 13, 2009
"What do you think you are doing
"I'm leaving, i cant stand you and Dad fighting its all you ever do and you never care about me" I shrieked back
"don't you dare talk to me like that" she shouted back
"When are you gong to tell dad about your affair with that man or are you going to lie to him about that as well"
You shut your mouth right this instance otherwise you'll be sorry"
"I'm going to tell Dad right now i don't are what you do to me"
as i turned to walk a way grab me by my hand and slapped me across the face, as i fell to the ground i sobbed into my jumper.
"I'm so sorry please don't tell your dad you now he will kill me hes violent"
"And your not violent you and Dad are as bad as each other"
With that i ran to my room an sobbed until i feel asleep.
THIS IS MY FIRST CHAPTER PLEASE LEAVE A QOUTE THANXS
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
141,411 Literary Works • 674,393 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Okayy, well it seems we’ve got ourselves a bit of a classic scene right here. Not the most unique of points to be starting a story off on and but this is something that you can see is pretty tried and tested so it does seem like it could really make for something quite powerful here if you can manage to convert this up properly.
I will start by saying the dialogue here is quite nice. The general manner in which the younger child here is simply stating facts with no real regard for anyone the way the mother is being a little hypocritical there and trying to save face, it all works to bring this whole thing to life quite nicely. That is the strength this piece currently has. Unfortunately, when you look beyond that moment there isn’t much else.
As much as this scene is powerful, it doesn’t quite work as a first chapter because the atmosphere isn’t really set quite well enough. Besides that, though I think this is a lovely place to start, it gets our attention and it definitely does enough to have us curious to read on and find out a bit more here about all three characters mentions but especially the fate of our protagonist here.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Thanxs 4 everybodys reviews i kinda knew that i wouldnt really get good coments back as this is m first story that i have submitted but thanxs
Hey there!
The idea of this story sounds really interesting, but such stories aren't enjoyable to read unless you really get the reader emotionally involved. In my limited experience.
This was very short, and it was pretty much all dialogue, which doesn't make for a good read. You should add lots more action and a tad of description. There were also a few mistakes, but they've already been spotted. ^^
Keep writing!
Hey there!
Hmm, this is a little short for a first chapter. First chapters are not only used to hook the reader, but also to give an idea of the character's personality and background, and also to hint at what is in store later on.
This is also sorely lacking punctuation. Punctuation is vital, it not only causes breaks in the text, but also helps express emotion. An exclamation mark for surprise or excitement. A question mark for (surprise, surprise) a question.
Not only is punctuation missing, but description too!!!! All we seem to have here is just dialogue. Which is great, but without any descriptions the reader cannot imagine the situation nor really relate to the MC! How was she feeling when that happened? What were her thoughts? Did she whisper that or scream it? Was he heaving for breath as he uttered that, so angry he cannot breathe properly?
Setting. Okay. Where the hell is this taking place?? I know she ends up in her room at the end of this, so I'm assuming this is somewhere in their house. Also, where is the dad at this point in time? Gone to the shops? And I assume she is arguing with her mother? There is no mention of who this person is, but I guess that is the mother.
Right then:
This is a question. Where is the question mark at the end? An where are the closing speech marks?
: "What do you think you are doing?"
Capitalise the "i"s
Personally, I think "I'm leaving" would sound better if it was an exclamation.
: "I'm leaving! I can't stand you and Dad fighting! It's all you ever do and you never care about me!" I shrieked back.
Capitalise the "d" on "don't"
I shrieked back, she shouted back... Try using something different. All we have is "back"
I don't think we need the "back" as we get that she's replying to it.
: "Don't you dare talk to me like that!" she hissed.
A run-on sentence.
: "When are you going to tell Dad about your affair with that man? Or are you going to lie to him about that as well?"
These are questions so end with question marks.
There is no opening speech mark.
: "You shut your mouth right this instance or you'll be sorry."
Needs to have a 'joining word'
I assume you mean "care" rather than "are"
A typo, I'm sure
: "I'm going to tell Dad right now and I don't care what you do to me."
Capitalise the "a" on "as"
"a way" should be "away"
Urm, does something come before "grab me"
The comma should be a full-stop.
: As I turned to walk away, Mum grabbed me by my hand and slapped me across the face. The blow sent a sharp pain through me and caused me to fall to the ground. On the floor, I sobbed into my jumper.
Explain how the slap felt. It must have been a little painful. I don't think she'd have time to sob while she was falling. She would probably be too surprised then.
This the mum? Compared to what I've heard so far it sounds a little too pleading. Perhaps she should threaten the girl instead? "If you tell him then you'll be sorry, you miserable little brat! If he so much as lays a hand on me then I'll will do worse to you, and you know how violent he is." <- bad example, but you get the idea.
: "I'm so sorry! Please don't tell your dad! You know he will kill me! He's violent."
Guessing she's being sarcastic.
: "And you're not violent?" I scoffed. "You and Dad are as bad as each other!"
Capitalise the "i"
"an" is "and"
"feel" is "fell"
: With that I ran to my room and sobbed until I fell asleep.
Mmm. This is very short. Bulk it up wth descriptions and stuff. Her thoughts and feelings, her surroundings. Maybe even chuck in a few memories there.
It was okay stuff. You just need to improve a little with punctuation and description. the dialogue, on the other hand, was great
You're new. WELCOME!!
Please, PM me when you write more.
~EmmaJane~
This is too short to be properly reviewed, but I can point out the errors. I'll put my corrections in bold and my suggestions/comments in brackets.
"What do you think you are doing?" (Don't forget the quotation marks and punctuation after text)
"I'm leaving, I can't stand you and Dad fighting - it's all you ever do - you don't ('don't' sounds better than 'never') care about me!" I shrieked. (the 'back' isn't necesary).
"Don't you dare talk to me like that!" she shouted back.
"When are you gong to tell dad about your affair with that man? Or are you going to lie to him about that as well?"
"You shut your mouth right this instance otherwise you'll be sorry," she snarled. (try to describe how people sound etc...)
"I'm going to tell Dad right now - I don't are (you probably mean 'care.') what you do to me!"
As I turned to walk away my mother grabbed (it's past tense) me by my hand and slapped me across the face. As I fell to the ground I sobbed into my jumper.
"I'm so sorry," mum cried suddenly. "Please don't tell your dad - you know he'll (it flows better than 'he will') kill me - he's violent!"
"And you're not violent?" I asked, tears running freely down my cheeks. (it's good to add descriptions) "You and Dad are as bad as each other!"
With that I ran to my room and sobbed until I feel asleep.
Overall: as I said before, this text is too short to review. I think to improve it add the corrections and remember to use descriptions and emotions. Carry on with this story - it's got potential and could be very interesting.
Hope I helped!