I woke to the sound of a scream. It must be Mum I thought. She was heavily pregnant. I ran to her room and she was knelling on the floor in her pink fluffy dressing gown I grabbed her cell that was laying on her side table I didn’t know who to call I couldn’t call Dad he walked out on us three weeks ago. She screamed again, this time I knew who to call.
“Hello, what’s you emergency?”
“Ambulance my Mum is in labor and her waters are broken”
“What’s your address?”
“45 Even Street”
“The ambulance is on there way”.
I huffed a sigh of relief they were on there way at least but that didn’t stop my Mum from being in pain. I didn’t know what to do or how to help. I then heard the sirens and ran to the front door there were two men who ran in with a stretcher and carried Mum out.
“Look after Nathan ill be back soon I love you” She said
“I love you to”
I went to check on Nathan, He was now standing in his cot screaming. He had woken to the sound of the sirens. Poor thing he’s only one and a half and Mum was in hospital. I picked him up and cuddled him to my chest he seemed comforted by that but I couldn’t stop his silent tears from running. So I walked him down the stairs on the way down I looked at the wall clock it was one I the morning but even if I tried I knew that I wouldn’t be able to go to sleep. After a bit of rummaging through the fridge I found his bottle and put it in the microwave. I realized that I had dozed off on the couch and awoke at two thirty Nathan was still asleep so I left him there and pulled a blanket onto him. I saw the phone and picked it up and dialed the hospital number after a few minutes I got through.
“Hello, Auckland Hospital how may I help you?”
“Hi my Mum was taken there by ambulance at twelve thirty and I was wondering whether she was still in labor?”
“What’s your name dear?”
“Duncombe Emilee Duncombe and my Mums name is Kate”
“I’m sorry she’s still in labor could you please call back later”
Then the line went dead.
I decided that it was time to go to bed I picked up Nathan and put him in Mums bed then I crawled in beside him. My mind slowly creped into darkness
THIS IS FIRST DRAFT OF CHAPTER ONE
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,856 Reviews
Thank you for giving your feedback it was really helpful
Hi,
Since it's just a rough draft, I'm sure you haven't fully edited it, but a few of the sentences are incomplete, and sometimes it seem a little rushed.
In the first paragraph, the second sentence seems like it should be broken up a little more.
Then when you're talking about Nathan you go on to say; Poor thing he’s only one and a half and Mum was in hospital. Shouldn't there be a the in front of hospital?
It seems like when you wake up you should make it a new paragraph. ;. . .put it in the microwave. I realized that I had dozed off on. . .
slowly creped into darkness, (check spelling.)
I liked the basic outline of the story, but it would help me to see it better if you where more descriptive, and took the pace down a notch.
Sorry if I wasn't any help, I'm new at this and I'm still learning too.
Good luck on your writing!
~Zanna