As I awoke I remembered last night and got up to call Mum
“Hello, Auckland Hospital how may I help you”
“Hi I called earlier this morning about Kate Dancombe. Do you think that it will be possible to speak to her?”
“Yes sure ill transfer you to her room”
The strange dialing tone came on but eventually Mum answered
“Hello” She said warily
“Hi Mum its Em”
Oh hi darling how’s Nathan?”
“He’s fine but woke up last night and it took ages to get him to bed”
“I’m going to be in hospital for a few days it was a false alarm but I was bleeding so they need to keep me in for a few days” she said
“What am I going to do about the money though Mum ive got none”
“Catch a bus to the hospital; I’m in room 431 in the maternity ward”
“Okay then I wish you were at home im really worried about you”
“I love you Bye darling”
“Bye Mum love you to”
I decided I should try to get there as soon as possible so I had a shower, bathed Nathan and packed him a bag with food, nappies and toys. And we set off. It was a mission to get the bus station even though I had put Nathan in his stroller. The bus station was noisy and crowded there was rubbish everywhere. People kept staring at me but I knew what they were thinking why would a thirteen year old be alone with a baby? And where would she be going?
When I got to the hospital gates I didn’t know where to go I walked to a desk that looked like reception.
“Hi how do I get to the maternity ward?”
“When you get to the stairs take a left turn to the elevators and in the elevators it will have a list of the levels for each department”
“Thank you”
When I reached Mums room I was nervous. I knocked on the door.
“Come in” she said she still sounded tired
“Hi Mum” “Oh Hi my darlings how are you? Oh I missed you so much”
Her room was white everything completely white the walls and the bed.
“They said that I could be discharged today if I stayed in bed”
“That’s good what time can you be discharged?”
“They said in half an hour”
She grabbed her purse that was on her side table and gave me a twenty dollar note.
“Here can you go and get me and you something to eat im starved”
Mum didn’t seem her usual self I wonder what has happened.
TO BE CONTINUED
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Thank you for all your feedback but if someone has already pointed something out can you not as it gets very confusing I am only new at this and havent been on for very long at a time
Thanxz
Hey!
This piece is begging for some proper punctuation. Commas, periods, etc.; they all need more work.
Um, you could use a ton more detail too. Your words almost seemed.... bland because there weren't any adjectives.
All of this bit is just talking. There's absolutely nothing else. Could you add some more detail in? (ex: said, asked, etc.)
Run-on sentence! Ah! *runs away* Can you please combine that with another sentence by any chance?
I'm not sure that I completely understand this.
Are you trying to say that she seemed distracted? I didn't realize that she was acting any different until the end.
And, to quote Antigone, which mother would leave her 13 year old child and a baby at home by themselves??? Without any money, too!
This could be really good with some serious editing, actually. Keep up the good work!
zOe
Mmk. So, the grammar in this piece needs work. A lot, a lot, of work.
Some quick grammar tips:
--Always capitalise I
--Contractions such as "I will" have an apostrophe... "I'll"
--Whenever I new person speaks start a new paragraph
--There should be punctuation at the end of dialogue
--Don't use run on sentences
--use commas
I'm sorry, but right now there are so many grammar issues, I can't give this a line-by-line review.
However! I will comment on how realistic is...
Well, close family are allowed inside the delivery room. She wouldn't make her kids stay home like that.
Also, most pregnant women drive themselves to the hospital. =P Or at least, all the crazy women in my family do.
This needs a lot of work. But with a little editing this can be great!
Happy editing,
Antigone
Seriously? What kind of awful mother would let her kid stay home alone for three days? That's like, neglect.
This part also needs a lot of editing:
Do you think that it will be possible to speak to her?” you could put 'would' instead of will.
sure ill transfer.'I'll'
to be in hospital for a. . . 'The hospital'
Okay then I wish you were at home. . . 'but I wish you. . .'
“I love you Bye darling” maybe a comma after you?
It was a mission to get the bus station. . . get 'to' the bus. . .
I knew what they were thinking why would a. . . Comma before why?
“Here can you go and get me and you something to eat im starved”
'I'm' and I think you should word the sentence a little differently.
Sorry I'm no help, but with a little polish you'd have a nice story!
~Zanna