Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language and mature content.
Chapter Four: Little Fisher in the Big Sea
May opened her eyes and stared at her boyfriend, Gavin. His eyes were closed, scrunched up in concentration as he tried to get his tongue into her mouth. She closed her eyes again and poked her tongue out, touching it against Gavin’s, making her body buzz. He moved in closer to her, a hand snaking up her back, reaching for her zipper of her dress but she squirmed and pulled away from him.
Gavin raised his eyebrows at her and tugged on strand of her hair. “Want to go up to your room?”
May suppressed a groan. “No, not tonight, babe,” she told him, trying to sound affectionate. She pressed down a crease in his shirt and took his hand. “Come on; let’s go back to the party.”
Gavin opened his mouth his mouth as if to argue with May but she clasped her hand in his and pulled him away from the wall where they had been kissing.
A month ago, against her better judgment, May had given Gavin a hand job. It had been on the second day of school; June was out of town on business so May and Gavin had ditched and spent the afternoon making out in her room. Making out led to touching, touching led to both of them losing their pants and an hour later May and Gavin had both been to second base. Ever since Gavin was eager to repeat it or go further, neither of which May was interested in.
“May!” A girl called as May and Gavin entered the living room.
May grinned, hiding her annoyance at her friend’s drunkenness. Not one of her friend’s knew how to hold their liquor, then again not many of them had older siblings like she did and if they did they weren’t like April.
“Hey, Kylie,” May responded, as she and Gavin walked up to the couches where their friends sat. Several of them clutched bottles of alcohol while others drank from plastic cups, grins on all of their faces like it was the best night of their lives. Kylie and one of the other girls, Aimee, moved aside to make room for May as she came up to the loveseat.
May watched Gavin as he started talking to one of the guys, looking for attractive qualities in him. He wasn’t bad on the eyes with his surfer’s tan, toned body and blonde curls but he was more suitable for someone like Staci who liked watching sports and went to the gym. May glanced at Staci who was idly twisting her black hair around a finger as she chatted with Piper then she looked back at Gavin, trying to envision the two of them together.
It would never happen. May and Gavin had been going out for three years and would be until the day she died, well, that’s how it felt. May hadn’t even wanted to go out with Gavin. She had shot him down, laughing in his face. Then word got around that April Fisher’s little sister had rejected Owen Adamson’s little brother and a week later May and Gavin were dating. April had basically forced her into it, saying it was her “duty” as her little sister, but really it was because April was seeing Owen at the time.
Dating Gavin wasn’t necessarily horrible; he was hot and actually knew how to kiss unlike some of the guys in her grade, and she did love him, but they had nothing in common. She had tried to break up with him over the summer, she even changed her Facebook status to single, but everyone thought it was a joke, including Gavin.
May sighed and stirred the straw around her cup. One of the guys, Wyatt or Noah maybe, said something and everyone laughed. May grinned out of obligation, not even hearing what they said, and looked up from her drink.
Piper was staring at her with raised eyebrows, as if she could sense May’s annoyance. Out of all of her friends Piper was the only one May could tolerate, mainly because Piper had only moved to Lakeview two years ago and hadn’t known May since Pre-K. All her other friends were the same, obsessed with popularity and willing to do anything to keep their status. Unlike May, who could care less about being popular but would always be because of who her sister was.
May shrugged at Piper’s stare and stood up from the couch. “I need a refill,” she announced, fixing her hair behind an ear as she stepped over stretched out legs.
Gavin stood too. “Want me to go with you?” he questioned.
“No, it’s fine,” May said, glancing behind her and shaking her head.
“I need one too,” Piper said, uncrossing her legs and walking over to May. She stumbled a little, as if she had already had too much to drink, but May could see the smirk on her face, indicating that she was only faking.
She giggled and looped an arm through May’s as they made their way out of the living room. “Why are you faking drunk?” May asked, her eyes narrowed in suspicion and amusement.
Piper rolled her shoulders. “I’m bored; I thought this party was going to be more fun.” She brought her arm away from May and combed a hand through her auburn hair. Piper, who was more used to the downtown scene, rarely attended parties that people in their grade hosted. However, this being the first party of the school year and the first party that they could attend now that they were sophomores, was one she had to make an appearance at. Her outfit still screamed downtown though, a short leopard print dress and 4 inch black pumps, as if she was planning on ditching and going to a club.
“Tell me about it,” May groaned as they entered the kitchen.
Three guys stood around the booze covered island, one of them sipping from their glass as the other two talked. May recognized two of them, Owen, Gavin’s older brother, and Justin, Bridget’s guy best friend. Justin nodded his head in acknowledgment making Owen and the other guy turn around.
Owen grinned, showing all of his teeth, reminding May of the Cheshire cat from Alice in Wonderland. “Hello, little Fisher,” he said, as he looked May up and down and then Piper.
“Hi,” May said shortly, walking past them and to the liquor cabinet.
Piper stayed standing in front of them and May titled her head, beckoning her to follow. Piper gave a small head shake and May rolled her eyes then pushed past the swinging doors and into the second half of the kitchen. The first part was technically a dining room, but that word was too formal for June, so they just called the part with the island and tables and chairs the kitchen and the other part the Cooking Kitchen.
May glanced behind her as someone walked through the doors, expecting it to be Piper; instead it was the nameless guy. He had a cocky grin on his face and was wearing a shirt with some lame band on it.
“Can I help you with something?” May asked as she pulled a bottle of vodka down from the cupboard. She swirled the liquor around then took a cup from the counter and filled the bottom of it.
The nameless guy came closer to her and said, “I don’t know, can you?”
May turned around and fixed him with her most Brooke like glare, April’s glare could make anyone feel intimidated but Brooke’s could kill.
The guy backed away and scratched his forehead. “I was just going to see if you wanted to come downstairs.”
May raised her eyebrows at that. The basement was the unofficial reserved spot for April’s grade, no one from any other grade was allowed down there unless invited. May had been down there once, for a second, before April shooed her back upstairs. There had been all kinds of rumors of what happened down there, multiple orgies, strip poker, naked twister, lines of people doing lines, but May knew better. The only reason it was off-limits to other grades was because April was a bitch who liked power. Nothing special happened down there. She should know, after all, it was her basement too and she was the one who usually helped April clean because Bridget and Brooke were always too hung-over.
“Really?” May questioned.
He nodded, smiling at her, apparently having regained confidence.
She picked up a carton of lemonade that had Brooke’s name on it and poured some into her cup. She took a long sip, the whole time watching the guy, then said, “Well then, lead the way…”
“Mike.” The guy supplied to which May nodded. She followed him back into the kitchen, letting him direct the way even though it was her house. Justin was still by the island, along with two other guys, one who she thought was named Cameron.
Mike put an arm around May and said, “May is going to join us downstairs.”
Cameron and the other guy grinned as if Mike has just announced he was giving them a million dollars each. Justin, however, titled his head as if skeptical but Mike just raised his eyebrows and let go of May’s waist.
Justin left the kitchen first, then Mike followed, pulling May along with him. Cameron and the other guy brought up the rear, sandwiching May between all of them. Her cheeks started to burn as she realized that the guys behind her were probably checking out her seriously lacking ass, so she directed her attention to Mike.
Her eyes scanned his entire body; he was paler than Gavin but taller and better kept with tidy hair and unwrinkled clothing. The shirt he was wearing pulled tight over his arms and back, letting May know there were muscles underneath.
Once they reached the door to the basement, Justin pulled it opened and held out his hand as if he were presenting a lavish meal. “After you.”
May grinned and walked past him, not wanting to show that she was slightly nervous. Mainly that April would be down there and would send her straight back up, and that no one else would be down there, leaving her alone with four drunk and more than likely horny, senior guys. May clutched her glass tighter as she finished declining the stairs and let out a breath when she saw there was a bunch of people down there.
Upstairs was like a nursery compared to downstairs; house music blared, the lights were dimmed and strobe lights flashed, making May want to close her eyes. She looked around, and immediately saw Brooke. She was up on a table dancing; her back pushed up against a guy whose hands were moving up and down her body. She was half expecting to see Piper down there next to Owen but instead he was making out with some brunette. May was the only non-senior down there. Maybe being April’s young sister does have its perks, she thought, grinning.
Mike came up behind her, his mouth close to her ear so that she could hear him over the music. “Welcome to the jungle,” he grinned.
May looked at him, only seeing parts of his face because of the flashing lights. The lights flashed and he was closer, his arms around her waist, they flashed again and his breath was hot on her face then again and his lips were on hers. She felt guilty for a second; technically she was cheating on Gavin but then Mike’s arms closed tighter around her, lifting her off her feet a little, reminding her that it hadn’t exactly been her choice to date him. May stayed like that, letting Mike’s warm, gin flavored lips make her whole body surge with energy.
Mike pulled his mouth away from her but still kept his arms around her. “Ever done a keg stand?”
May shook her head. She hated beer, it tasted disgusting and she had only ever drunk it once as a dare, but she wasn’t going to tell Mike that. He took her hand and started walking towards a big keg that was in the middle of the room, the strobe lights made her feel dizzy, like she was having a seizure so she held Mike’s hand tighter.
“Can you turn off the strobe lights?” she questioned. Mike nodded and walked away from her then a second later the lights stopped flashing and the music was turned down a notch. Several people looked around, annoyed looks on their faces.
May’s heart thumped, the room was still dark but now everyone could see what everyone else was doing. She glanced over to the table where she had spotted Brooke earlier to see if she was one of the disgruntled party goers but she was making out with some guy so May doubted she noticed.
“Ready?” Mike asked as he came back up to her, Owen and Cameron following him.
“I guess so,” May nodded. She placed her glass on the coffee table and smoothed out her dress then walked closer to keg. A few people came over to them, ready to watch the show that was about to take place.
“May?” Brooke questioned, taking notice of May’s presence for the first time. May turned around and saw Brooke walking towards her. Her dress was pulled down so much that you could almost see her nipples and her makeup, that May knew had taken Bridget almost an hour to do, was smeared.
Brooke came over to the keg, and looked at May before fixing Mike with her famous glare. She crossed her arms under her chest and said, “You were seriously going to let May do a keg stand?”
May had expected Brooke’s words to come out slurred, knowing that Brooke had drank more than her weight in alcohol already, but Brooke’s voice was clear, almost as if she hadn’t drank at all.
Mike just shrugged, bringing a hand up to the back of his neck. He looked at the people standing next to him but they all had their heads down, avoiding Brooke’s eyes.
Owen stepped forward, coming in between Brooke and Mike. “Calm down Walker, we were only doing it as a joke.”
May’s felt her cheeks go red. They were only doing it as a joke…
“You’re such a fucking idiot. She’s a fucking sophomore!” Brooke hit Owen’s chest with the back of her hand and grabbed May’s wrist, bringing her away from the crowd that had gathered.
May’s mouth fell open and she yanked her arm back from Brooke. “Way to fucking embarrass me!” She stopped at the stairs and Brooke turned around from her spot on the first step. Normally Brooke was only a little bit taller than May, but now she towered over her, adding 7 inches to her already 5’7” height.
“What were you thinking?” Brooke asked, exasperation evident in her voice.
May shrugged. She frowned at Brooke in annoyance but then her scowl faltered. What had she been thinking? She had never done a keg stand before, she didn’t even like beer and she had boyfriend.
Brooke just shook her head and took May’s hand, grasping it gently this time. “Stay away from them, they’re just sharks looking for fresh meat,” Brooke told her as she started walking up the stairs, tugging May along with her.
“What’s up?” Bridget asked as Brooke and May, stopping them on the stairs. She reached forward and pulled Brooke’s dress up then smoothed out her messy hair.
Brooke sighed and filled Bridget in, dropping May’s hand to point to the cluster of people still around the keg.
May glanced at Bridget; she had an impressed but surprised look on her face, as if not fully believing what Brooke was telling her. She looked away, and surveyed the senior guys who were watching her. She would rather be seen as fresh meat than April Fisher’s younger sister.
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Me again! Once again, I thoroughly enjoyed reading this. I don't know if it's my favourite chapter so far, but your writing is awesome and basically everything that's been said of your last few chapters applies here.
I think Lucrezia's pointed out all the grammar issues, and to be honest, I was so into the story after a few paragraphs that I had to keep reminding myself to be looking for mistakes. And there are a few sentences that felt a bit clunky, but it's all the kind of thing that can be fixed with a bit of editing and rewording.
The only thing that concerns me is that you have introduced a lot of characters in a small space of time. This isn't necessarily a bad thing, but you are running the risk of having so many minor characters that the reader gets confused and wonders who was that again? I'm guessing that the number of characters being introduced will peter out a bit once you get past the party scene, but be careful. Your characterisation is impressive, especially with your main characters, but you don't want to have so many characters that the reader gets swamped.
Now that the less pleasant part of the review is done, I can praise what you've written. There's a lovely reality to your work, and it does feel like the situations are real, and I think that this is a story that will ring true in a lot of ways for quite a lot of readers. So keep doing what you're doing, because you have a great story going, and I really want to see what happens next, and I'm looking forward to going new places.
Hi there! I read this again so I could review it. I think I liked reading it the second time in non-PM form even better.
This has to be one of the best stories on YWS. I know I've said it before, but your character development is too good to be true. Also, imagery and descriptions? Spot-on. I especially liked how you described May's boyfriend. He was very easy to picture, perfectly described.
Okay, so your imagery is amazing. Your wording is great. And I still can't get over the realism. Each chapter feels more realistic than the last. I love May already—she's a fantastic character and incredibly, incredibly realistic. Her feelings about Gavin are very relatable and real. How you start off the chapter mentioning that she didn't want to do anything more with him past what she'd already done... perfect.
All of the interactions between characters were priceless, the dialogue was strong and (once again) very realistic. Seriously, it was maddeningly flawless.
Pacing/flow was great, also as usual. And you had a great final line:
This really has a wonderful finality and wraps up the chapter perfectly. The reader totally understands how May feels; you did a great job at that.
I seriously could write a whole review of just praise, but sadly, I must nitpick.
You left out an "a" before "strand."
You accidentally wrote "his mouth" twice.
Comma after "ever since."
"A" should be lowercase.
No need for the apostrophe in "friends," I'd switch out the comma after "liquor" for either a period or dash, and also, the wording's a bit awkward. Maybe rephrase this to:
'Not one of her friends knew how to hold their liquor—then again, not many of them had older siblings, and if they did they weren’t like April.'
Comma after "Staci," and also "like/liked" is kind of repetitive... I'd maybe swap out the "liked" for "enjoyed."
I'd put a period or comma after "Piper."
Change the comma following "died" to a period or dash.
Comma after "acknowledgement."
I'd put "Brooke" and "like" together with a dash (so it's "Brooke-like"), and put the "April's glare..." part in either parentheses or switch out the comma after "Brooke like glare" to a dash/hyphen.
Change the comma after "down there" to a dash.
"Hungover" is one word; remove the dash.
"Then" is repetitive here.
T in "the" should be lowercase.
I think you meant "descending"?
First of all, I really love this part. The imagery you evoke is seamless; I'm just so impressed with the subtle and yet memorable descriptions and details used in this paragraph! <3
My only suggestion would be that it kind of breaks up the flow of the piece a bit by moving too quickly, due to too few breaks and periods. A way to fix:
'The lights flashed and he was closer, his arms around her waist; they flashed again and his breath was hot on her face. Once more and his lips were on hers.
She felt guilty for a second—technically, she was cheating on Gavin. But then Mike’s arms closed tighter around her, lifting her off her feet a little, which reminded her that it hadn’t exactly been her choice to date Gavin.
And so May stayed like that, letting Mike’s warm, gin-flavored lips make her whole body surge with energy.'
Super, super tiny nitpick, but you accidentally forgot to italicize the H in "had."
Forgot the A after "had."
...as Brooke and May what? Not sure if "as" was a typo, but it would appear you forgot how you were going to finish that.
Okay! Beyond those annoying nitpicks, this was such an amazing chapter. Seriously, I am in love with this story! The wit, the realism, the freakishly perfect character development and subsequent interesting and funny, super unique characters... it's just addicting and wonderful. ^_^
Well done and keep up the amazing work!
Thank-you so, so much! You have no idea how amazing your reviews are. They're not only helpful but a major self confidence boost!
Thanks for all the comments
If you like I can send you the link to my first 3 chapters!
Thanks for all the comments
If you like I can send you the link to my first 3 chapters!
Thanks for all the comments
If you like I can send you the link to my first 3 chapters!
I loved this story, it relates a lot to a high school life.
Hello, Rhia here to review! Just a few nitpicks first...
"titled" should be "tilted"Same with this line.
"opened should just be "open"
Those were the only spelling nitpicks I had. Otherwise, this was really well written. I'm not usually a fan of this type of story, but you had a very filled out story line, very convincing language, and it was altogether very good.
Nice use of words! I loved the enticing motives of Gavin making his move on May!