If I Had Known

If I Had Known

Before I even opened my lips to say it, she knew what I was thinking. I could see it in the way she slowed her step to match mine and how she looked at me curiously. Her head tipped to the side, brown eyes piercing. It didn’t surprise me though, our minds were like one. Mine picked up the pieces that went over her head and she figured out the things that were too complicated for me to understand. I believe our brains were fused together, that she knew all the intimate thoughts that I tried to hide and that I knew hers. Because in all honesty, we did.

“You’re completely overreacting, babe.”

I huffed and adjusted the strings on my school hoodie with a free hand, my fingers brushing over the words New Cape (the name of the little town I had lived in since birth). My other hand carried a half-empty bottle of vodka by its neck. It was a miracle my feet could move one in front of the other but I think that had something to do with Avery and the invisible string that always kept us connected.

“I’m not, Avery. I just don’t think it’s a good idea. I don’t want to be around Ja… him.” I already felt like a loser for saying that. Normally, I was the one who was leading us to the party, not dragging my feet, unwilling to go. But the thought of him being there made me want to turn around, walk back to my house, then crawl under the covers and watch endless hours of Netflix.

Avery stopped. She turned around so she was standing right in front of me. I fell into her slightly. Ever since the whole mess with Jake, I had the habit of looking at my feet when I walked, which resulted in me bumping into things, mostly people, mostly Avery. She looked at me, her eyebrows raised in what I knew was amusement. Avery tilted my chin towards her full face smirk. “Yes you are. There are going to be so many people up in the trails that you won’t even see him.”

After I groaned, Avery continued. “Listen, Raya.” she tugged the bottle of vodka we had been sharing from my grasp. “We are going to go there, get completely trashed and pretend that Jake doesn’t even exist.” She took a long gulp from the bottle then handed it to me.

And just because Avery said I could ignore him, I knew I’d be able to. I grinned, bringing the bottle to my lips and letting the liquor easily burn down my throat as if I were drinking water. It had taken awhile for me to stop cringing at the taste of straight vodka but I had grown so accustomed to drinking nearly every weekend, that it no longer bothered me.

I wasn’t always like this, willing to drink all the time. Before Avery came (B.A.C as Avery and myself called it) I only had the odd wine cooler at family “get-togethers.” As embarrassed as I am to admit, B.A.C I was the definition of lame. My idea of a “wild night” was staying up until 11:30 to watch Grey’s Anatomy, usually accompanied by chips and dip. I’d rather this Raya, though. The Raya that never missed a party, the one who smoked and wore ripped leggings, the one who stayed out past her curfew. And, the one who drove Avery’s car, illegally, on a daily basis.

“Besides, if you decide to ditch me and go home and watch Netflix all night then I won’t share the treat that I bought us,” Avery said, reading my thoughts once again, as she bumped my arm to steal the bottle back. She drained it then carelessly tossed it against the asphalt, letting it shatter with a satisfying smash.

My smile widened at the word treat, knowing that whatever it was it was definitely something illegal, and something that would get us high. We had experimented with our fair share of drugs since the start of grade eleven. Popping Adderall to help us study for our tests, getting hooked on coke for a few months and then E. I went too hard too fast, needing some form of an illegal substance to get me through the day, so we switched to booze. Lots and lots of booze.

Avery slid the leather book bag off her shoulders and pulled out a pack of cigarettes. I could feel my face fall. Cigarettes weren’t exciting; we smoked cigarettes every day, almost a full pack each, but then Avery flipped open the cover and held it up to my face. Instead of a half-pack of Marlboro menthols like I had been expecting there were six joints wrapped in various colored papers. Weed was what had started our experimentation with drugs; we smoked it almost every day last year so it lost its effect, making us go looking for something to get us higher, to get us more fucked up.

I raised my eyebrows at her and pulled a pink and green joint from the pack, immediately bringing it to my lips, waiting for her to light it for me. Not even a second later there was a flame at the end of my joint, the herbal taste filling my mouth. I closed my eyes and sucked it in, pulling the smoke in through my lungs like it was the only thing that allowed me to breathe. I pulled and pulled, my lips tightly pressed together, quivering a little, threatening to burst. The scent of Avery’s lip-gloss filled my nose, making me open my eyes. Her lips were just inches from mine, then her hand was on the back of my neck, dragging me closer.

We can’t waste, her voice echoed from the first time I smoked weed. I parted my lips as Avery’s grazed mine, blowing the smoke into her mouth. She grinned at me, looped her arm through mine and took the joint from my fingers, inhaling and then holding it for a second before exhaling the smoke into the air.

With every step I walked and every puff from the joint I sucked in, the more my fear of seeing Jake dissipated. It was like all my worries vanished, instead they were replaced with goofy smiles and giggles. I wanted to see Jake at the party; I wanted him to see me talking to other guys while he clutched Lily’s hand, sneaking glances at me when he sipped from his beer. He was the one who should feel awkward, the one wanting to leave because of my presence. He fucked things up, not me.

Maybe “fucked up” is the wrong word; in truth it wasn’t entirely his fault. Lily was really the one to blame. Everything was fine between Jake and me until she came swooping in, all big breasts and long legs, and basically told him to pick between us or she was through. And being the shallow guy that he was, he picked her. I should have seen it coming, though. Avery did. She told me again and again how Jake was a user, how he was going to end things when he found someone he deemed better. For once in her life, I wished Avery had been wrong.

Avery tugged on my arm, her pull penetrating my thoughts, and then she was leading us across the street towards the woods. The Clearing, which was just a big treeless spot in the middle of trails where all the teens in New Cape drank, was packed with people, I could tell this before we even got close. There were couples and small clusters of people on the outskirts of the trails, something that never happened unless there was a huge amount of people crowding The Clearing. Avery and I grinned in acknowledgment at the people we passed but we kept walking until we could hear the music blaring, until we could feel the regrets caused by beer in the air, until we could feel the buzz, a buzz that was only ever associated with The Clearing.

Our faces matched as we took in our surroundings. Both of us were wearing the same coy smile (hers a little coyer). We stopped in the center of The Clearing and as soon as we did, it was like everyone standing around us stopped too. That was the affect Avery had, we had, on people. There was something breathtaking and dark about Avery that drew people in. I knew it from the minute I met her, from the first day she strutted down the steps of New Cape High School and offered me a ride home. I just knew.

***

Thirty minutes later and we were loaded beyond belief, clutching hands, giggling and stumbling over invisible tree roots. Hanna, someone Avery only hung-out when I was at volleyball practise, showed up with another quart of vodka which we quickly claimed for ourselves. If Hanna cared that we had taken her booze, leaving her sober and surrounded by drunken idiots, she didn’t show it. Even if she did mind, I doubt she would have argued with us. No one crossed Avery. If Avery told you the sky was purple then the sky color had miraculously changed to purple, or, if she told you the pair of shoes you left at her house were hers then she instantly owned them. It’s not that she was mean; she just didn’t have the capacity to be wrong.

Later into the night, we separated ourselves from the crowd, walking further into the woods so we could smoke the rest of our joints without people trying to mooch a puff off us. Like always, Avery was leading the way so she didn’t see him grab my arm.

I jumped but didn’t yell, almost as if my subconscious knew it was him. He placed a finger to his lips, a small smile there, and then he glanced at Avery before veering left into the tress. Without him having to tell me, I knew not to tell Avery that Jake was beckoning me to follow him. Jake was on Avery’s hit list and once a person was on that list it was very hard to get off it.

Knowing that I only had a few seconds before Avery came looking for me; I quickly followed Jake into the patch of evergreens. I don’t know what made me go after him, I still wasn’t over the fact that he had chosen Lily over me but one look at his lopsided grin was enough to tug at my heartstrings.

“Hi,” he whispered, once I was close enough to hear.

“Hi,” I responded. In a second our lips were together, the beer lingering on his breath overwhelming my taste buds. He pulled away from me and brushed his thumb over my cheek then lips, I could tell there were words on the tip of his tongue, something he needed or wanted to tell me, but a rustling sound behind us halted whatever he was going to say. He mouthed the words “I’ll text you” then walked away just before Avery walked up behind me.

She wrapped her arms around my waist and leaned her chin on my shoulder. “Did you get lost?” she murmured. This Avery was what I liked to call the touchy-feely, completely ossified Avery. On nights when Avery was like this, we always ended up back at her house, legs and limbs tangled together under the gold duvet comforter on her bed. Avery would spoon my back or rest her cheek on my chest, her fingers scratching my arm or twirling my hair. But in the morning she would be on the other side of the bed, a wide distance between us.

I chuckled, suddenly feeling giddy after talking with Jake. “I had to pee,” I said, removing her hands and looping our arms together.

We shared what remained of our joints and rejoined the party. Immediately, I scanned the crowd for Jake. Before I could find him though my phone buzzed and I looked down to see a new message on the screen from him.

Jake: srry i left... didn’t want Avery 2 see me

Me: It’s okay, I replied. Then after a second I added: why’d you kiss me?

Jake: Idk... don’t tell anyone tho, ok? i don’t want lily 2 find out

And just like that he was back to being a dick. I knew I should have just deleted the text and pretended the kiss never happened but I couldn’t. Jake was the first guy I slept with, he was the first guy who didn’t laugh at my aspiration of traveling the world, he listened and promised to follow me wherever I went. I couldn’t just forget about all that. I wanted him. I needed him in my life. I loved him. Glancing around again, I saw him standing by the keg, and of course he was holding Lily’s hand. Avery was standing close by, talking to Blaine, a guy she used to date. She rolled her eyes and hit Blaine’s arm at something he presumably said before she placed a cigarette between her lips and leaned forward for him to light it for her.

It reminded me of what she did to pique Blaine’s interest in the first place, expect instead of another guy I was her partner in seduction. Last summer, at one of the many house parties that Avery hosted, she had been a lot more affectionate with me. Pairing up with me to do body shots, dancing with her body pressed up against mine and making out with me in front of a room full of guys. It was only after she kissed me that I realized her motive: she was trying to get Blaine’s attention.

After looking at Jake and Lily, I walked towards Avery. She called my name as I got closer, her face showing a broad grin. Without even thinking about it, or knowing if it would work, I leaned forward and kissed her. I wrapped my arms around her back, bringing her closer and parted my lips, finding her tongue with mine. Avery pulled away first, her lips still parted and her face questioning. I grinned at her, intertwined our fingers and turned to gauge Jake’s reaction. He was staring at us with raised eyebrows. Lily was pulling at his long-sleeved t-shirt but he ignored her, a smirk forming on his face.

I let Avery walk us out of The Clearing, leading us back to her house. She didn’t live that far away from The Clearing, which was why we usually ended back at her place and because her mom usually worked night shifts at the hospital, leaving us with full rein of the house.

The first thing we always did was raid the kitchen cupboards for food, piling as much as we could carry into our arms before going down to Avery’s room and dumping it all on her bed. This night was different though, instead of going to the kitchen, Avery walked past it and went downstairs.

My phone buzzed and I pulled it out of my pocket to see a new text from Jake.

Jake: u busy tmrw? lily has wrk so we could hang

I grinned and locked the screen, deciding to make him wait a bit. Then I followed Avery to the basement. Once I entered Avery’s room, I pulled my sweater over my head, dragging the tank top underneath with it. I jolted when I felt warm hands on my stomach from behind, and before I could respond, Avery turned me around by my hips. She leaned in and then she was kissing me, tender and sweet and nothing like the time she kissed me in front of Blaine.

“What are you doing?” I asked pulling away.

“Kissing you,” she said breathily.

Her mouth moved towards mine again but I placed my hand on her shoulder, stopping her. “Why?” The question came out more accusing then I meant it to, I could see it on Avery’s face.

For the first time since I had known Avery, I saw her confidence falter. “I uh, I thought that was why you kissed me in The Clearing. Because you...”

I looked at her, confused. “Because I what?”

“Never mind,” she said, walking away and picking up random articles of clothing from the floor. She walked into the bathroom and I left the room, following her.

“Avery, wait. Tell me.” I grabbed her arm and when she turned towards me and I could see tears on her cheeks.

She pulled her arm away, turning her back to me. “It’s nothing, Raya.”

“Are you pissed at me?” I asked as she stood still, arms crossing under her chest in an almost self-protecting way.

She sniffed and wiped at her face. “No.”

“Well then what is it? Is it because I kissed you? Because I didn’t mean –”

“It’s because I thought you liked me, okay?” Avery said, cutting me off. “When you kissed me tonight I thought it was because you liked me.”

My mouth opened and I shut it quickly. “Oh, I didn’t know that you were…”

“I’m not.” Avery responded, reading my thoughts. She brushed past me and going back into her room.

I stayed in the bathroom for a second, processing what she had just told me. It had taken me by surprise, not that Avery was a homophobe or something but just because she had slept with her fair share of guys. There was a notebook hidden under the mattress of her bed with the details of each guy she fucked and how good the sex was on a scale of one-to-ten. Then again, none of them had ever had the title of her “Avery’s boyfriend.” They were all just friends who she fucked, her explanation always being that “guys were dumb.” And that’s when it made sense, why Avery never liked any of the guys I dated, why she was so protective over me and why whenever she was drunk she cuddled more.

Avery was already in bed when I went back into her room, the ceiling light switched off and the fan whirring. I pulled back the covers and got in alongside of her. She was facing the wall, something that she had never done in all the times I had stayed at her house.

I sighed and propped myself up on my elbow. “Avery, can we talk?” She didn’t answer me but I could tell by her breathing that she wasn’t asleep yet. I prodded her shoulder and she stiffened.

“Just go to sleep, Raya. We can talk tomorrow.”

Reluctantly, I listened to her.

When I woke up the next morning, Avery was gone. She left a note saying that she was gone to her aunt’s beach house for the day. I wanted to go out there and see Avery, drive the three hours in my mom’s no-air-conditioning-civic so I could try and figure out what had happened. But I didn’t know where the beach house was and every time I tried calling Avery, her phone went straight to voicemail. So I grabbed my things and left, vowing that I would go by Avery’s house tomorrow.

The one thing I was not expecting was that Avery wouldn’t be there. When I went by her house the next afternoon both hers and her mom’s car were in the driveway. I inhaled deeply and walked up the front steps to the front door. Her mom, Laura, answered and automatically her face fell, indirectly telling me that there was something I didn’t know.

“She didn’t tell you, did she?” Laura asked, pulling her housecoat tighter around her neck.

I didn’t respond, too stunned to do anything. Laura sighed and said, “Avery flew to Detroit last night. She decided to spend her senior year with her father.”

My stomach dropped as soon as she said the word “flew.” Avery had packed up and moved her whole life without even telling me. I turned away from Laura, ignoring her as she called out to me, and blindly walked down the steps. Myself and Avery had the next three years of our lives planned out together, the dresses we were going to buy for prom, the classes we were going to take during our first year of university, where’d we go after that… and now she was gone.

I never expected that, for Avery to never speak to me again but I think she was too embarrassed, scared maybe. Sometimes I’d receive postcards from her, detailing the places she had visited with her dad but they were different than before, colder somehow. They didn’t start with “Hey babe!” and end with “Love you always.” They were generic greetings like “Dear Raya” and “From Avery”, they didn’t have the ability to warm my whole body like the old letters did. They weren’t from the Avery I knew.

If I had known things were going to change, if I had known that after that night I would never see Avery again, I would have said I loved her back. Because I truly did love her, maybe not with the same intensity that she loved me, but I did love her. I still do.