My Aunt used to tell me folktales about children who would lie in green grass; daydreaming and watching clouds float by. They’d try to find shapes within the clouds; pointing, laughing and wondering what it would be like to walk on their white fluff.
I have different daydreams however. My dreams consist of their world, the world below me where the boy I love vanished to.
I stare down at my bare feet, my toes reaching slightly over the edge of the cloud that I’m standing on. I inhale. It’s now, or never I tell myself then I close my eyes and I jump, plunging through the sky and into the world below.
The sensation of falling is something I’ve never felt before. Air rushes through my hair and into my lungs as I’m falling, falling, falling. I begin to feel scared. I open my eyes to look up at my world. Faces are looking down at me, beckoning me to come back. I move my arms, trying to propel myself upwards, back to safety but then seconds later I feel something hard and uneven beneath my feet.
I stare down in wonderment, only used to feeling softness against my bare toes, and realize what I’m standing on: grass. I bend down and run a blade between my fingers; it’s wet, smooth and smells familiar. I look around then see a blue object that I think I’ve seen before. I stare curiously at the familiar item then pocket the little piece of earth so I can show My Aunt when I return home. My Aunt is my only family. Where we live some people have no family and they just walk around lonely, crying for their families who they have little memories of. I don’t remember my family, just My Aunt.
I didn’t even know what it was like to miss someone until I lost him. It felt like he was only there for a few days but My Aunt says it was weeks. Another thing about our home is that no one tracks time. My Aunt is one of the rare few that do, only because she leaves for periods of time, traveling to different places. She’s different from everyone else in our home in many ways; she even knows the exact date of my arrival and every detail about it.
I know nothing about that day. Memories don’t normally stay with a person where we live which is why remembering him is intriguingly amazing. I had never remembered anything until him. My Aunt told me he came a little while after me and before him I didn’t even remember my own name. Now I can remember the exact amount of days he’s been gone: sixteen.
A noise sounds and I jump. I’m no longer standing in the grass, now I’m in a new place. I turn around. A door opens. I panic. Afraid to be seen but I don’t know why, then I see him. I only see the back of his head but I know instantly it’s him.
“Simon!” I scream, running towards him.
He looks up and I feel the same way I did when I first saw him: like there are thousands of butterflies in my stomach.
At first he looks confused but then he smiles and walks closer to me. “Lucy?”
I nod excitedly as he embraces me in a hug. I inhale his smell. I have never forgotten that scent. I cling tighter to him but he feels different.
He ends our hug abruptly, as if I’m different too, and then holds my cheeks in his large, soft hands. He kisses me gently and pulls away and examines me, then looks at something behind me. His face turns stern. “Lucy what are you doing here?”
Momentarily I’m bothered that he’s asking but then I realize it’s out of concern. “I wanted to see you,” I tell him as I intertwine our fingers.
He shakes his head. “No what are you doing here, Lucy? We talked about this before I left. I know you’re scared but you have to come back.”
I stare at him confused. “Simon I don’t know, I…” but then I stop.
Like a floodgate all my memories come back: my mom and dad smiling, My Aunt in her casket, Simon’s blue motorcycle, the scent of freshly mowed grass as I climbed on behind him, the cold rain drops that ruined my hair, my refusing to wear a helmet and then the truck. The ominous truck. The driver asleep at the wheel. My fear. My scream. Simon’s scream.
I look at Simon and he brings a hand to my face, wiping away the tears that have fallen.
“Lucy,” Simon’s voice says from somewhere else.
I blink and I’m staring at My Aunt smiling on a cloud. I blink and see fuzzy shapes in front of me. I blink and I hear the steady beep of a monitor. I blink and I’m lying in a hospital bed. I blink and I see Simon smiling down at me. I blink and I’m home.
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
This is the most amazing beginning to a story that I have ever read. There's so much detail and so much emotion within every word that it surprises me. There is some choppiness within the story and it doesn't flow as well as it should. I truly wish that I could make a piece of literature with this much imagery.
I really do feel like there are a to of breaks in the story. It just didn't flow as smoothly as I think it could have. When writing, you want it to be interesting, make sense, and flow smoothly so that a reader can enjoy it more.
Woah.
Words can't describe how much I love this story. it's so beautiful and so sad. I thought about Heaven and everything throughout and it was very confusing. You tie up all the loose ends very nicely, which I can never do when it comes to short stories. It's very sad, but it isn't too sad, because she's made it to Heaven.
I wonder how Simon was able to see her. That question stays in my mind. I guess it's because she needed to see him one last time. The aunts travelling is very strange. Is she going between Earth and Heaven? Or is she going to other dimmensions and other unknown places?
It leaves you with a lot of questions, but I guess so does death. You never know what happens when someone leaves their earthly home. It's very dramatic and beautiful and one of my favorite stories I have ever read. I like this more than any of those silly stories they make us read in English class. You should be very proud of this. I know I would be.
Keep writing like that, and you'll be famous soon.
That is actually the biggest compliment I have ever received. I could literally cry right now I'm so happy. Thank-you, thank-you, thank-you!
Thank you guys so much for the comments! This was a piece I actually wrote for a contest & I had a word limit so that's why some of the wording is off, it was difficult to pick & choose. Also for My Aunt being capitalized I did that for emphasize. Her aunt isn't named, so her aunt's nam did My Aunt. Does that make sense?
Thank you guys so much for the comments! This was a piece I actually wrote for a contest & I had a word limit so that's why some of the wording is off, it was difficult to pick & choose. Also for My Aunt being capitalized I did that for emphasize. Her aunt isn't named, so her aunt's nam did My Aunt. Does that make sense?
A bit, but I don't think it's the right way to emphasis it.
I really like this story
I really loved the idea of it. How Lucy was dreaming of Simon when she was in a hospital because she really loved him. ^u^
I also loved how you introduced your story at the beginning. It's just really nice!
But you made some mistakes.
You kept on saying "My Aunt" with the capitals again and again. It's meant to be in lowercase. It would be in capitals only if it was her real name or you're addressing her. <- example of that:
"This is my aunt. Urm, Aunt, can you introduce yourself to my friend please?" Something like that.
In the fifth paragraph, at the end of it, you wrote:
"Where we live some people have no family and"
I -think- it's meant to be:
"Where we live, (<- dat's a comma) some people have no family" and so on :3
Another mistake you made was in paragraph 7, near the bottom.
"My Aunt told me he came a little while after me and before him I didn’t even remember my own name."
I think it's meant to be:
"My Aunt told me he came a little while after me and before, (<- another comma mistake :3) him I didn’t even remember my own name."
It just makes more sense to me. Both of the comma mistakes you made.
I might have missed other mistakes but this story is really good!
I would really want to read another one of this from you! REALLY GOOD I SAYY! xD
Keep it up!
-Gabbi-
hey lakegirls,
Ok, so when I first started reading the story, I was a little confused as to where it was all taking place, but then I got to the second paragraph and it all made sense.
But as I was reading there was ... something about the dialogue, and how it was all put together. I can't really explain it, but it just seems a little ... off? Like some things could have been worded better (no offence of course)
Momentarily I’m bothered that he’s asking but then I realize it’s out of concern. “I wanted to see you,” I tell him as I intertwine our fingers. – maybe could have been I'm momentarily bothered about what he's asking me, but then I realise it's no concern to me ... or maybe something like that. It's just the way it's been worded
And now for the praise!!
I love it! It is full of emotion and is very captivating. Though there were a couple of sentences I stumbled on, I really enjoyed reading this. I love how the main character sees things, and how her memory suddenly hits her. I find it quite chilling when she says there are some people that walk around in the clouds, crying and calling for their family. I also love the very end paragraph, how deep it is, and how everything is described through each blink.
Amazing work, and keep writing!!
Sage
I enjoyed this story very much:) It's one of those stories that you have to read over and over to understand the true meaning. I wondered if this was a girl taking her own life, but maybe as you read on, its more about this girl getting into a vehicle accident. I love how much of it was a daydream, living it open to wonder, Did Simon die? Was she daydreaming about him? Having a memory. I don't know but it was very cool. On a side note, 'my aunt' doesn't need capitals.