Published May 31, 2010
Dear World,
you cradled me in your arms
for 11 years,
never warning me
of the troubles
you would give me.
Dear Heart,
you beat for the wrong people.
You turned plastic into gold
and made voices ring inside my ears
until eventually
I went crazy.
Dear Mind,
your thoughts are cruel,
telling me who I am
and who I'm not,
and with every bitter step
you led me to my own self-destruction.
Dear Friends,
you used me,
you ignored me,
you fed me lies
and hurt me,
and while I was trying
to find myself in this world,
you had already decided who I was
and refused to let me become anyone
other than your pleasing.
Dear Life,
you claim that I have left you,
but you left me long ago.
This is a suicide note in the version of a poem. This poem is not about me, I would never commit suicide. I like life to much and I'm to happy. The idea simply came to me, but I think people can relate to some of the things in the poem. Thank you for reading.
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140,859 Literary Works • 673,694 Reviews
It's not an eleven year old. "You cradled me in your arms for eleven years" thats just how many years the world protected the girl.
I like this a whole bunch. You have heart- wrenching little things that almost everyone struggles with, but makes them bigger and makes you pity him. Or her. Whichever it is. Two things-
An eleven-year-old killing him/herself? Seems a little young. Maybe fourteen, thirteen, fifteen.
No matter what the age, it ought to be spellt out. It just looks better. Look! a pirate!
Kaedee: Thanks for the review! Actually, when I put it in I thought that that line would be awful because no one would understand it, but I put it in anyway because it was how I felt. I'm happy that almost everyone understood it.
To be honest I felt a certain lack of ingenuity in the poem. I didn't feel a connection from the writer to what was written.
Besides that it was a really good poem! The structure and devices were great. Dear X was a good way of pacing the poem and keeping the reader's attention as you directed your emotion to X.
*Liked*
I thought this would be a cliche filled, unemotional poem; but I was very wrong! I loved the 'plastic into gold' line; it's beautiful. Very nice! I loved the flow of this.
Keep up the good work, wish I could have helped-
KD
Wow. So poignant.
I liked how you addressed abstract entities like the heart and mind, and I think that your language is very fitting for this poem. An excellent element of this piece is how tangible the emotions are. I think that capturing feelings can be incredibly difficult, especially when the writer is addressing a huge concept like this one. These last lines are particularly memorable:
They are beautiful and terribly tragic at the same time. You have an excellent poetic sensibility. Good job!
--Glim
SpokenWordTeej: Thanks for the review! I tried to make this a poem with something that everyone could relate to in some way. I can relate to my poem entirely (except not the suicide part).
Wow...I'm glad this isn't how you truly feel, I might be inclined to report you
Yeah. No suicide just seems so awful...
Okay, good! I was actually really worried there for a second.
That's really good to hear.
Mr.Knightley: Oh no, I definitely would never commit suicide. Lots of it are true feelings though. Thanks for the review! I appreciate it.
Hi Lakegirl!
I have to say, your poetic skills belong to someone far beyond your age. Every line flows into the next, and each individual idea is well thought-out and rounded.
My favorite part:
I can definitely tell that you know what you're talking about. This is something that I have gone through as well, and you've managed to convey this in a way that suits me.
Anyways, sorry for the short review. This was really good!
-Knightley
P.S. I hope this isn't a true story...Well, at least not the suicide part anyways. That would be really horrible. :/
Wow, this is really powerful. I love the "plastic into gold" part, and the second-to-last bit
is very recognizable. I could really relate to it.
The poem also is a good length, and so are the lines, although they look short at first glance.
The title is descriptive and clues the reader in, so it's a perfectly good title, but maybe it could be a bit more creative? I can't think of any suggestions, but it seems fairly standard.
Hello there!
Try placing 'eleven' instead of numbers, in that way, it'll look poetic and proper to read.
Past tense will do good for this six lines. It's because you're stating the bad things that his friends do.
Those are just small nitpicks of mine. So, overall, this is really emotional and good. You placed all the imperfect things that made the narrator to make a suicidal note. Also, it would look better if you separate the poem into stanzas.
Keep up the good work!
Peace out!
_yuri_
Thanks for the review! I'm really happy that the poem had the effect I wanted it to have.
JustisMarez: The plastic into gold part meant that it made unimportant things more important. Thanks for the review!
this poem is brutally honest. it makes the reader feel ashamed and guilty for not being able to help this narrator. it makes the reader want to call/text there friends and let them know how important they are. it was touching and delicate...almost hard to read. it makes the reader feel uneasy and being able to put so much feeling into any writing piece is amazing. Good Work!
An eleven year old schizofranic? Nice. I liked the ending.
You did good. I liked it and keep on writing!
- Justis