Published May 28, 2010
"ENJOY!!!"
Fortuitous not the king
So stricken by misgivings
And the inconvenience of tomorrow
Tameable yet untame
Misguided were they both by
Misreading unholy vows
That carried behind their sweet words
Only lust and the empty promise of tomorrow
One beast tamed and one to slay
One more sad act to follow
One mighty sword will rise
One head will roll
One heart will fill with sorrow
The heart that fell called to the king
"Please don't leave me darling
Of all the futures you have seen
Did you not see me as your Queen?"
Thoughts were spinning inside his head
This is where misfortune led
A fatal error of his stricken heart
She was his queen as from the start
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141,477 Literary Works • 674,501 Reviews
Hello! So I am here to review.
First, I can understand the story, if I am not mistaken: A king accidentally killed the queen, which is his true love. Right? I think it's better if you extended the poem a little for more details and descriptions.
It is well written, although I realized you lack some punctuations. Editing it will flourish your poem and will make it even better.
I like it, overall. Keep it up!
-darkangel_05
Yes! sarebear had it absolutely correct! except that the king had two lovers, realizing too late that the one he chose was not the one he loved.
Thank you for the comments!
Hi,
I really enjoyed this. The only part I didn't love was the first line. The lack of punctuation unnerved me. Did you mean:
"Fortuitous? Not the king?" or "Fortuitous, not the king," or "Fortuitous not, the king" ?? I know you wanted to make this punctuation-less, but a certain amount needs to be added to make the poem understandable. I enjoyed the part about One. From this poem I assumed that the king's lover was slain and afterward he realized that she was his love. Is this right? If not, you might clarify a bit. I like your style of writing, and would look forward to reading more from you!
Sarebear
Hello there and welcome.
To be honest, I really did not understand this poem. I don't know, maybe its because of the lack of punctuation or something else. I battled to read through it the first time, so I read it like three times and I still can't get what you going for. Maybe you can explain to me. Keep writing and looking forward to see other work from you.
This is excellent, it really grasped my attention and your subltle use of rhyme made it easy to read.
I can't pick a favourite part I enjoyed it all!
Keep it up!
x