Published June 5, 2010
I would love to never see you again
That smugness in your lips
Raised eyebrow
Acting like you know
Watch your temptations
And see if you don't get payback for your sins
It wasn't just your timing
It was your effortless execution
How long has it been now
Since you lost that stimulation
You're locked outside your own mansion
I'm waving from inside the window
Bite your lip harder
Wait for the blood to drip down your chin
Increase the tempo
Because you're slowly freezing to death
Now who's smug
You never anticipated this
Revenge is bitter sweet
But it tastes nice when you really try
Afraid and angry mix a bad cocktail
I drink it in with a smile on my lips
That look is priceless
As you shuffle on your feet
Keep the circulation flowing
And throw rocks at your own window
I'll wait until you're a glacier
Then I'll warm you at the bottom of a lake
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141,408 Literary Works • 674,390 Reviews
Hi,
I love the speaker's tone here.
Your imagery is great. I especially enjoyed;
"You're locked outside your own mansion
I'm waving from inside the window
Bite your lip harder
Wait for the blood to drip down your chin
Increase the tempo
Because you're slowly freezing to death
Now who's smug"
and
"I'll wait until you're a glacier
Then I'll warm you at the bottom of a lake".
I think the first ten lines are a little weak. I'd make them more visual and add more of the venom which makes the rest of this poem so enjoyable.
I'd also add punctuation, but that's a matter of personal preference. If you would like to add punctuation and want some tips feel free to p.m me.
Hope this helps,
Jas
I love this poem. It is vengeful, yet it has a sad tone to me. I think this rivals some of the better poems that I have written, well done.