thank you for reading 
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As Edwin saw it, the old manor had an air not unlike his grandfather: stuffy and pompous to keep up appearances, but with a secretive adventurous side that said, here you go now, don't tell.
The secret passageways and false walls were only the first of the secrets. Edwin spent the first few weeks doing nothing but exploring the crevices, climbing the dumbwaiters and hunting for buried treasure. He didn't find any.
When he met the cobwebbed boy, Edwin thought he was a ghost.
It didn't alarm him, seeing a ghost. Ghosts were peculiar shadowy things, and not nearly as frightening as the things he dreamt up, anyway. But the cobwebbed boy was not a ghost. He was, as he told Edwin solemnly, deep within the false wall on the fourth floor, a witch's grandson.
He had been there as long as the ages, as long as the house itself. Ever since his wicked grandmother had slipped him a note, which he'd read the first time in the flickering candlelight of a hundred years ago: You won't grow up.
He'd shown Edwin the note, yellowed and crisped with age, but still legible in all its witch's ink and purpose. Still potent.
And the cobwebbed boy's face had turned ashen gray and lined, but still round and childlike and so, so sad. Edwin stayed with him sometimes, and they would play checkers, the cobwebbed boy's body too arthritic for wrestling. And sometimes the air would crackle and whisper, and the cobwebbed boy would go very still. When that happened Edwin would hold on to him tightly, shutting his eyes and pretending he didn't hear the echo of the old woman's whisper: You won't grow up. You won't grow up.
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125,006 Literary Works • 672,809 Reviews
Thank you everyone
It's condensed because it was for a personal flash fiction challenge, which is probably why it has the tone it has. But I'd very much like to expand it in future, so thank you for the critique!
Sodapop, could you perhaps let me know what sort of simple mistakes you found? I'd love to know.
Hey ladymask!
I agree with the other reviewers, you did too much telling in this story. Don't get me wrong, you have a good thing going for you here, but elaborate more! Tell us about the grandfather and the grandmother, describe the cobwebbed boy (what did he look like, etc) and give Edwin some personality. Also, try to proofread yourself for errors, I saw a lot of simple mistakes in your work. If you do this, then this story will be excellent read!
PM me with any questions!
-SodapopLunchbox
Hmm. This could catch my attention if you put more detail in it, I think. Right now, it's just a boat-load of telling; it reads more like a summary of a story that you plan to write, something you'd use as a way to map out the plot and plan where it's going. So, I guess what I'm saying is that if you like this, I'd advise you to flesh it out more and actually write out those scenes you describe!
This story was spooky and weird. If there was a Horror section on YWS, this would definitely be placed there. Actually, since it's about the supernatural I think you can put this in the Fantasy section.
Your story is interesting and certainly engaging, but I think it's moving too fast. You should slow down and, instead of telling everything, show it. Add some dialogue. Show the characters thoughts. I can actually see this being expanded to a novel if you do that.
I liked your story overall, but I think it would be better if you show more, tell less.