Published April 26, 2010
I am King. Well, at least I should be. Twenty-five years ago, before I was born, this place was peaceful. Resources were plentiful, and there was no need to fight. The streams ran clear and cool and provided water to help cultivate the fields. Everyone had a specific job that was determined by their skills. No need for currency because everything was traded, everything was equal. It was paradise on the outskirts of the galaxy. We did not contact anyone outside our planet for fear that we may be subdued to a harsher leadership. The peace lasted for decades after the last Great Battle. My people never dreamed we would be uncovered by any other being. Fools, if you ask me, because nothing ever lasts. My people believed in vain and when the time came when we were discovered, the enemy more hideous that could have ever been imagined.
My kingdom, my planet, is now parasite-ridden. The Monsters showed up unexpectedly and in such vast numbers my people could barely retaliate. The enemy destroyed half the place looking for resources, and places to live, my people fought wildly. However, the battles were hopeless. The decades of peaceful times made my people pathetic, vulnerable, and sluggish. Now I and the kindred of my generation is being raised in blood as we try to save our planet. Together with a host of rebels I will remove the Monsters from my home. Oh yes, I forgot to mention my name is Wulfric. I am a King without a realm, but I will save this place and become the ruler my people deserve.
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139,597 Literary Works • 672,615 Reviews
This is good. Very good. But the main idea of these two paragraphs seem like they didn't come from the beginning of a book (leaving out Wulfric's introduction at the end of the paragraph). But I enjoyed it. Thanks for posting.
Like the idea, but this really isn't the best way to start off. It's a big info dump, and you haven't established a relationship between reader and main character. That should be the first thing you do. Start with a scene involving the main character in this situation you've set up, and let your main character live.
Perhaps you could start with a flashback to the time before the invasion, and show us what it was like, rather than tell. Get us to feel Wulfirc's love for the planet, before coming back to the present and making the reader realise that it's all gone, so that we too feel the sense of loss.
It sounds like maybe it should be under science fiction, but you know more about where the story's going to go, so you decide. If it's a part of a longer work it should be in novels rather than short stories though.
Hi!
Is this a prologue? If so, it will probably need to be moved to Action/Adventure novels. You can contact a mod (someone with a light or dark green name) to do that for you if that's the chase. Otherwise, just ignore me.
So, it looks like you've got an interesting premise set up. Still, I didn't like the piece. I don't think it will really be necessary to your story in the grand scheme of things. See, I see it more as a blurb or summary that would go on a back of a book. It's merely setting up the premise, and I what I don't like is that it's simply telling us, telling us, telling us.
The first couple of chapters of any given book don't get right into the plot and action, do they? No. They introduce the characters and set up and the premise and the world in which they live.
Delete this, save it for a summary, and then use your first chapters to expose this quite intriguing plot through events, dialogue and narration.
PM me if you have any questions! I apologize if I sound harsh.
-Elinor xo