She glanced at him, tears streaming down her face. "I have to move..." she told him, "...far away." He stared at her, the love he had yet to tell her, stuck in his mouth. "We have a few months, let us spend it together," she begged him. He nodded, but did not see her face, tears were swelling in his eyes. She moved closer to him, and wrapped her arms around him, hugging him close. "I'm sorry... please say something," she whispered softly in his ear. Her warm breath made his skin tingle.
He wrapped her arms around her tight, holding her close to him. "I wish you didn't have to go..." his tear-choked voice creaked, "...what will I do without you?" She shook her head, and pulled away, "I don't know, I wish I could stay. We can still talk, and hopefully visit soon." He nodded and shyly took her hand, glancing at him she saw his love, but looked away.
She pulled her hand back slowly, and rubbed it lightly, "Lets go see the new movie. It'll be like old times." He nodded mutely, and headed for his car, she followed close and got inside.
They shared good times, and got even closer. The last night they were together, he sat her down on his couch, holding her hands tight. "Please, tell me... will you miss me when we're apart?" His voice begged an answer. She stared at him, and nodded, "Of course I will, I'll miss you lots." They embraced tightly, never wanting to let go.
The next morning, she waited for him to come down. He wasn't coming down though, he was suffering too much. She stared at his door, "I love you..." she whispered, and turned away. She walked out the door, never looking back.
It was to late for them, they love that they shared. Six years of time, they suffered each others pain, showed friendship, but never love. Till the day came, that it was to late for their love to show. Till it was to late, its gone now, or so it seems. She knows it'll never be, and moves on. He knows it'll never be, and finds another.
She was too scared, to shy of and frightened of her past. The hurt and the pain, she could not bear. He was paitent, always there for her, but she would not show her love, till it was too late.
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140,287 Literary Works • 673,074 Reviews
Hi!
I really like the idea of this story but, it sounded like it would be the closing paragraphs of a story. Also, I think there needs to be a bit more about the characters. We don't even know their names. But, with some work, I think this an be one of those stories where you think you know what's going to happen and it turns out to be completely opposite. I think also a little more about the relationship between the characters would be helpful to understand the story a little better. Anyways, you have a good plot on your hands.
i really liked it over all. i don't know who said this but.... it did soud like the end of a story rather than well a begining or a whole stor itself. i liked the drama, i'm probably one of the few people that do. i think the intro is great.. it makes you want to move on. introducing the characters and their relationship more might help..
well like i said overall it was great!! keep writing!
cool
Sorry Grif-this was done at 1 in the morning last night and I didn't have a chance to do a full length crit...besides I've got sooo much other work to do, but I like commenting on people's work. That's all! But I'll definitely keep your suggestion in mind. Thanks!
Wiggy
I'm not buying it. First, there is a lot of emotional scenery: tears swelling, never looking back, and any other number of things that can come straight from a soppy chick flick.
This wouldn't be half so bad if it wasn't for the implausibility of their reactions.
For one, why can't they continue their relationship? A mere relocation isn't sufficent, especially if you consider the increase in long distance relationships in recent times. This isn't explained, which leads me to believe that this wasn't thought out very much, if at all.
This combination shows the reader that this piece was designed to provoke an emotional response. When this is obvious, the reader doesn't think of the story, they think of how the author is trying to manipulate them. This destroys the credibility of the story automatically.
I think this needs to be brought back to the drawing board. Start by showing their relationship. Once we understand their relationship, we can begin the dramatic departure. Avoid emotional scenery, instead use your own experiences as a guide. If it feels like a stab in the gut, then describe a stab in the gut. If your crying replicates a local water fountain, then have that happen. Be realistic.
If you're going to critique something, then actually critique it. Telling her that her story is a 6/10 tells her absolutely nothing.
What did you like about the story, what didn't you like about it? How can it be improved? Use specific examples so that the author doesn't confuse a good piece with a bad one and vice versa.
Wouldn't you want the same?
It's something a lot of people can relate to...nice job! But try to include a little more dialogue. Descriptions great, dialogue bout 6/10. Keep writing!
Yes it seemed more like a conclusion....
I think I missed it, but why were they friendly and not loving towards each another? Did he die or be sent off to war or something?
I did like it though, I had a feeling for them. Anyway, you should put in more context clues... if he was dying maybe make him cough a little or something. Nice job.
oh my gosh it was really good!!! yoo should continue it
I thought the story was pretty good, but there were a couple things I didn't like.
- One: The story was too fast-paced for me and seemed to skip around a lot.
- Two: It seems so cliche to me with the whole "I'm moving" thing because I've seen it so often of late.
I'll give you points for having really good grammar and spelling. I only found one typo from skimming it really fast. It was at the end of your story where you wrote "paitent" instead of "patient".Wait--I found another typo or whatever it is. You wrote "each others" and I think it should be either "each other's" or "each others' ".
But keep in mind that I skimmed for spelling, grammar, and typo errors. I didn't actually read word-for-word.
This story felt much more like the conclusion of a story rather than the story itself. I couldn't really relate to the characters because they are freshly introduced and their past is never really revealed. Also, the dialogue was sort of mushed together, but you could just fix some run-ons and space the lines a bit to fix that. I didn't really like the last two paragraphs. You are trying to tell us the reason for all of their pain at the end, when we should already know about it. I didn't like it overall, but maybe if you put it as the end of another story...?
Okay, first off I think you should have more of an intro. I mean I like it the way it is but maybe if you could introduce the characters more, maybe why she was moving.
His voice begged FOR an answer
Otherwise I think you did a good job on this. You showed their emotions really well and I liked that.