Published May 25, 2010
I told him I hated when he used his southern charm on me. I mean, really? He knows I don't like the country, but he slowly changes my mind everyday with his sweet talk. Everyday I remember our uncanny meeting I can not help but regret it some how. I had been living in Virginia for about two months then. Originally from Brooklyn, New York. I was a city girl,or you could say a girl who liked a lot of civilization. When my widowed grandmother fell ill, It was up to my mother, her oly child, to take care of her. Before, it was just my mother taking the seven hour trip every month, commuting from New York to Virginia. Until one fateful day she decided she wanted to move the whole family down to Virginia to help her. I protested the move so much. I had a life and friends. Were exact copies of my friends waiting there in Virginia for me? No. It was my senior year at J.W. Middle School and I had so much to aspire to in New York. I had planned to go to a specialized high school for the arts to practice my music. Did they have specialized high schools in Virginia? Absolutely not. Brooklyn was my home and I was very familiar with it. I wasn't one to invite dramatic change into my life. I do have to say, if it weren't for my mother moving My family down here, I wouldn't have met him.
My Story Begins after school, May 2nd of last year, just two months after we moved. I had missed the bus. So I had an hours walk home ahead of me. I had to walk along the deserted roads of Halifax County, or should I say deserted hills. The terrain was so lumpy you'd swear it was a roller coaster. Walking home, I admired open fields and cows on the right side of me. It was clear enough for me to see the sunset sky. That was one upside to the country, it had the most beautiful views. Then I felt an annoying pinching on my leg. I stopped and looked to see a mosquito sucking the blood out of my knee. "Stupid Vampire bug!", I yelled at it after I smacked it and wiped its remains on my shorts. That was one of many downsides to the country,too many bugs. I continued to walk and admire my surroundings. To my left was pure woodland. Wich was seemed a bit eerie to me so I stayed to the right near the fields. It was less likely for anyone to come up and surprise me then. I hated walking long distances especially in humid weather. I was starting to get annoyed by the constant buzzing of the cicadas. I was annoyed and frustrated. Why couldn't the schools be closer to the Houses. I kept on the path kicking small rocks when ever I could see one, just to entertain myself the rest of the walk home.
The sun was setting quickly and it was getting fairly dark. I pretended not to care. As the sky darkened, so did the forest to my left. I was actually glad I wasn't home yet. I didn't like being home that much. What with my mother who would constantly nagged me to clean,do my homework, take care of my baby brother when she couldn't, and so on and so on. I can honestly say If we had lived in New York I probably wouldn't have to do so many darn chores. My two older sisters rubbed their over achievements in my face. It was so sickening,and they wondered why I went "Scene". I dyed my hair from its nice honey brown color to Jet Black and was almost always teased. My my wardrobe went extravagant. I asl ohad some of the cutest jewelery that I would buy that came straight from Japan. I tried so hard to be unique. No, to be so different from my sisters.
I was about a mile away from my house, when I saw something move in the forest beside me and heard some leaves being shifted. Like some one was running for a bit then quickly stopping. I looked quickly then turned back to look at the road. It was probably a deer. Lots of those in Virginia. I had even managed to hit one a few weeks earlier when my Uncle let me drive his truck. My face had cringed just thinking about it. Poor fellow, it reminded me of Bambi. I felt so terrible, especially when my Uncle took it, stuffed it and put it in his living room. Its a constant reminder of the day I killed a deer. Way to scar a thirteen year old teenage girl her first time driving. I quickly turned my head to my left. I thought I saw more movement in the forest. I'll admit I was sort of spooked, so I walked faster. Virginia. Deserted. At night, and I was alone. That did not sit that well with me.
I was still no where near my house and this movement was still bothering me. I kept seeing it. Almost like it was following me. With every road I turned down and around every bend It was there. I felt like I was in a horror movie for a little bit. I could see the title now."Scream: There's something weird in the woodlands of Virginia", I laughed at the thought then I saw more movement in the trees. Then my laughter disappeared all too abruptly. I pulled that stupid move you always see in the movies and stopped and asked.
"Who's there?...." I said it about three times and there was no answer.
So I kept walking, but slowly. Any regular girl would have run home out of fear,but my fear started to merge with my curiosity. Like my fear wanted to know what was frightening me. Weird, I know. I put my school bag down on the concrete and squinted my eyes as I peered into the Forest. "I know someones in there!" I said inching closer to the edge of forest. I moved a strand of my hair behind my ear.I could feel sweat drops rolling down the back of my neck. The crickets were growing louder and louder. To the point where it was getting annoying, right along with the cicadas. I guess when you're scared you start to notice the little things. I looked into the dark trees but saw nothing. I rolled my eyes and got this disappointing look and turned around.
I went to go pick up my school bag but it was gone. I was confused and started looking all around me. No one was even there to take it. What was this? I looked around more. "Now who the heck took my bag?" I said out loud. Like anyone heard me. But of course I was wrong.
"I did." a flat out male voice with thickest country accent spoke behind me. I rolled my eyes before turning.
"Jerk! I don't mind living in V.A. but when you hillbillies start taking my stuff its on." I said turning with one hand on my hip the other raised like I wanted to punch who ever it was square in the face.
I got a look at the guy. He stood there in some fitted jeans and a red t-shirt and he was kind of cute but pale. I realized he was holding my bag. I snatched it from him.
"Where did you come from?" I asked him.
"The forest" he answered.
"So there was a person in there...It was you," I said draping my bag on my shoulder.I held the strap. "Don't scare me like that! It's already dark,jeesh" .
I started to walk home again. I knew someone was in the forest. I was relieved that it wasn't some murderer or something. "Wait!" he called. His accent was almost annoying to me. He rubbed his curly light brown head,not that I noticed then asked.
"What's your name?"
"My name?....Really?" I said with so much sarcasm. I laughed and kept walking.
He appeared in front of me in a blink of an eye. Like he was Flash the super hero or something.
"H-How did you do that!" I said pointing at where he stood and where he was now.
"Tell me your name and I'll tell you." he said. I looked at him then rolled my eyes.
"Joslyn Marie,But just call me Joss." I said
"Joslyn...sweet name." he said smiling a bit.
"Are you going to tell me how you did that?" I asked. He started to smile more. And might I say he had such a handsome smile. Again, not that I noticed.
"I'm a Vampire." he said. I burst into giant laughter.
"Come on are you serious?" I said through my laughter."Wow,nice one." I said and kept walking past him.
Then he flash appeared in front of me once again. That time it scared me and stopped my laughter.
"Dude! you did it again!" I said scared. Anyone who moved that fast was not normal.
"Cause,I told you. I'm a Vampire." he said shyly slurring his words together while putting his hands in his back pockets.
I got serious and and examined his appearance,looking at him up and down. "If your a Vampire...Show me your Fangs." I said.
He smiled and there were no fangs. I was just about to yell how delusional he was,that he was a loon,and how lucky he was that I hadn't punched him yet because he was cute. Then his front teeth grew into fangs.
"Crap!! Your a Vampi-" I started to yell but he covered my mouth so quickly it took me a few moments to realize we were so close. Too close. I could smell him. He smelled like soil and rose oil. His hand on my mouth was so cold,but it was so warm and humid outside. He was a Vampire and I was starting to comprehend it.
"Shh" he said looking into my eyes. Come to think of it his eyes were a dark red. He let me go. I just stared at him.
"What? So now I expect your going to drink my blood?" I asked calmly,hoping the answer was going to be no.
"Well..." he started.
"Well what?" I said wanting the answer.
"That was the case at first,but not anymore."
I took a breath of relief."Good." I said and I just stared. There was V.A.mpire standing right in front of me.
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Heya lady.
Here to review as requested. I'm really sorry that I'm late! I was on holiday for four days and then my computer decided to only work when it felt like it... ¬_¬
To be honest, you don't really need this last part. You're only repeating what you've already said.
You seem to be forgetting to leave a space after every comma.
Once again, dodgy spacing here. Make sure you check over your work before submitting it here on YWS.
Spacing again!
Capitalize all I's.
You seem to be using a lot of exclamation marks. I think that you should tone them down a bit. You don't need an exclamation mark in every paragraph!
I'm going to stop mentioning the areas where you need to include a space. I think that you've gotten the point by now.
This seems a bit "off" to me. Mainly because of the way you've used the grammar and the layout of it. I think that you should rephrase it to something like this; I dyed my hair from its nice honey brown color to jet black. My wardrobe went from bright yellows, whites, and girly-girl threads with heels, to what I call the upgraded style of the skater girl look with Converse. Very much the opposite to the style of my sisters'.
I found this dialogue rather amusing!
This doesn't technically make any sense. You're saying that your main character didn't notice the guy's smile, yet she's already mentioned it. You did something like this earlier, as well. I think that you should just get rid of the part that says; Again, not that I noticed.
I'm finding your dialogue entertaining.
Cutting out the 'Cause in this is a suggestion really. I just found that it sounded better without it. I understand that you're trying to get across his accent though. You don't have to get rid of the 'Cause. It's up to you, really.
Wouldn't she have noticed the fact that he had red eyes when she first saw him? Or did he gain red eyes when he showed his fags? If so, you need to mention that.
Your main character (MC) seems rather calm about the fact that this guy's a vampire, in my opinion.
Overall
I have to say, I did find an awful lot of grammatical errors and nit-picks in this! I think that I pointed out most of them. You should definitely edit them a bit.
My main critique is about your grammar, I think. Like others have said, your grammar definitely isn't your strong point. What I especially noticed is the fact that you don't use spacing when you need to. Remember, every time there's a comma or a period, a space must follow. It's simply to make the writing look better. It also helps us readers understand the story better, that's always a good thing. I've noted the areas where I noticed spacing issues. I stopped after a while though because I found that there was an awful lot! I think that you know where spacing should be used now though. I hope you do, anyway. If you don't, that's fine. Just PM me and ask me to explain it to you a bit more clearly. I am bad at explaining things in reviews!
Another grammar issue that I noticed is the fact that you have a tendency to misuse commas. I especially noticed that you don't really place the commas where they are needed. Like the spacing, I noted where you misused your commas. My only other real grammar critique is about your use of exclamation marks. What I noticed was the fact that you have a tendency to overuse them sometimes. I think that I mentioned this when I was nit-picking. Using exclamation marks is fine, just make sure that you don't overuse them. It's the same with any other grammar mark; if you overuse them, they can be annoying. This may surprise you, but things like this can really put a reader off reading your work. That's okay though, you just need to cut out some of your exclamation marks and maybe replace them with periods, commas, semi colons or any other grammar marks.
My other critique is something that Ranger actually mentioned. I also feel as though the voice of your MC seems rather young. You mentioned that she is sixteen. To me, she sounds more like a 12-14 year old. A rather immature 14 year old at that, I think.
Overall, you definitely do have potential. Your dialogue, for example, is very good. it is if you ask me, anyway. All that you need to do is consider what us reviewers have said, and maybe edit this up a bit! If you do that, you will have a nice piece of writing here.
Keep writing,
(Sorry again for reviewing this rather late!)
xoxo Rhian
Well, when I first read the story, I saw a lot of grammatic/spelling mistakes, but as I got on with the story, I saw that it was sick! It kinda reminded me of Twilight, (even though I don't relly like it) but this story is WAY better than twilight. I wonder if you finished yet, if you haven't, my suggestion is that, since the title is "i live with v.a.mpires" maybe the character Joslyn could being "living" with the vampire(s). The story that I made isn't finished yet, but it should b getting along good, I suppose there are some similarities between mine and your story. And I only wrote the first 3 chapters of mine overnight directly after I printed out yours at school.
Keep up the writing
Aaaw thanks! Do you have any suggestions?? Any thing that needs changes I'm desperate for some criticism! But i will be sure to check out your story!
~Lady Kix
WOW! this story was great except for th grammatical errors, but anyway the story is good. Is it gonna be continued.
By the way, this piece has inspired me to write a story of my own, soyou're gonna get the credit because it's inspired by YOU
OH. MY. GOSH. THANK. YOU!!! You are precisely the reason i posted this up!! All of my friends didn't want to edit my story so i decided i get a review from here! You certainly gave me what i was looking for i will Read the forums and make the necessary corrections!! Thank you so much again!! lol Yes I did Read through all of it! Oh and a little side note, i have a horrible habit of just Pressing the shift button for no Reason. Everyone always tells me to stop i do try but its hard! my fingers have minds of their own!!xD You bet i will PM you though!
Hey there Kix, I'm Hawk and I'm here for a review!
First off, it looks like you've got a lot of grammatical errors. For example, just this one paragraph alone:
You capitalize a lot of words that don't need capitalization! Also, as a beginning paragraph, there's not much that makes me want to read more. You want to capture the reader's attention with something exciting or interesting, not just relate over and over again how she has to move.
Now, about the rest of your story. To be honest, it's really hard to read. The "voice" of the MC has a very very young sound, like she's about 12 or 13 years old. Yet from what I gather she's about 16?
I'd like you to take a look at this link - it's an excellent resource on all of those little tricks on dialogue punctuation, when to capitalize, where to place those trippy little commas, all that good stuff.
Now, just from a spelling standpoint alone, this is a nightmare. I understand that you're trying to portray a certain accent and tone to his speaking; however, that doesn't give you free license to misspell like that. Here's how I rewrote it: " 'Cause I'm a Vampire," he said, slurring his words together and putting his hands into his back pockets. <-- see how that's so much nicer to read, while still getting his tone across?
Another thing I'd like you to check out is this forum; it's where I got that one excellent link on dialogue grammar, and it is jam-packed with great, helpful topics on grammar usage.
This is my last little nitpick - I really wouldn't suggest posting a picture when you post your story, especially such a large picture. The people here are really only interested in reading and helping you with what you've written (though there is an Art/Photography forum on here!); so having a large picture just clutters up the page and makes it take longer to load.
Now. If you've actually read through all of that and are still willing to listen to me without wanting to strangle me (and that's perfectly acceptable, I'm quite used to it, as long as you don't act out on those feelings!) I'd like to say: Keep writing!!
Do not let what I've said completely deflate you and make you want to give it up. Writing is such an enjoyable, wonderful, creative process, and the beauty of it is that it's so subjective! Not everything I said will be agreed with by everyone else; I'm just pointing out some things I noticed that could use improvement to make it easier for others to read. And when people have an easier time reading a story, they enjoy it more. And the more people enjoy it, the closer you are to potentially publishing or doing whatever you want with your work of art!
You have a lot of potential; don't let a few harsh words squash it for you! Keep up the good work; and please, don't hesitate to PM me if you have any questions or whatnot.
Cheers!