z

Young Writers Society


12+ Violence

Check the children!

by ladcat13


A young girl named Jenna got a call from her neighbors, the Walshes. Mr. and Mrs. Walsh were going out to a dinner party, and needed someone to babysit their six kids for a couple hours on Saturday night. Jenna, who needed the money, agrees. She'd known the Walshes for several years and the job was easy; all she had to do is stay in the house with the kids as they slept.

When she got there at 8:00 Saturday night, the Walshes were decked out in all their finery. The three youngest kids were in bed already, and the three older kids were settling down. The Walshes left, and Jenna saw the older kids to bed at 8:30. All the kids shared a big bedroom on the second floor, so it was easy to check that they were all sleeping.

In the living room on the first floor, Jenna turned on the TV. She turned the volume down to the bare minimum, to keep from waking the kids, then proceeded to browse the Walsh's channels. By 9:00 she was nodding off on the couch, despite the nap she'd taken earlier that day. By 9:30 she was dozing, until the home phone rang. She looked at the caller I.D., but it just said "unknown number". She picked it up anyway; for all she knew it could be her mom.

A long silence stretched on, during which she said "hello?" about five times. She was about to hang up when a voice on the other end whispered urgently, "check the children, Check The Children, CHECK THE CHILDREN!".

"Who in the hell are-" she began to say, but whoever it was hung up. She slammed the receiver down, ran up the stairs to the children's room, and opened the door. Seeing nothing amiss at first glance, she tiptoed in and peered into each sleeping child's bed. Nothing was wrong. Somewhat unnerved, but more secure in the knowledge that the kids were fine, she returned to her TV watching.

It was 10:30 when the phone rang again. Despite her better judgment, Jenna picked it up. The same manic voice spoke the same creepy words in the same urgent tone: "check the children, Check the Children, CHECK THE CHILDREN!". This time she hung up first. By the fireplace in the living room was an iron poker; she grabbed it before running upstairs to check the children. Again, everything was fine, and she closed the door softly behind her to avoid waking the kids. She was extremely creeped out now, and decided to call 911. She was out of her depth here.

Jenna kept the poker close at hand while she used the Walsh's home phone to dial 911. The voice of a man greeted her almost immediately with the customary "911, what is your emergency?" Jenna took a deep breath and tried not to babble, despite how freaked-out she was.

"Hi, my name is Jenna Harmon. Right now I'm at my neighbors' house babysitting their six kids. I'm not expecting the kids' parents back until one in the morning, and I'm in the house with all of them asleep. I keep getting these calls on their home phone from an "unknown number". I don't know who it is, but he keeps saying "check the children, Check the Children, CHECK THE CHILDREN!". He's called twice, the first time I let it go, but he just called a second ago and I'm really creeped out."

"Alright, just stay calm, ma'am. This may be nothing, but it may also be very serious. Are all the doors and windows locked?"

"Yes, I checked before the parents left."

"And when he tells you to check on the children, do you?"

"Yes."

"Alright, good. Keep doing that. Now, what are the names of your neighbors?"

"They're Diane and Robert Walsh." She told the man. He asked for their home address and their phone number, and she gave it to him.

"Alright, Jenna. Next time he calls, try to keep him on the line as long as possible. We'll track his number back to where he's calling from. As soon as he calls again, we'll send the Police. Just stay awake, stay alert, and stay calm, Jenna. Everything's going to be alright." The man finished.

"Thank you, sir." Jenna said, feeling much more secure now.

"I'm going to hang up again, but we'll call back on this number and keep you updated." Then he hung up again, and she was alone in the house.

It started to rain at about 11:00, and by then Jenna was sleepy once more. She'd barely closed her eyes since her 911 call, and the rain made her feel even more tired.

At 11:30, she was asleep.

At 12:00, midnight, the phone rang again. Jenna started awake and answered it on the second ring.

"Hello? Who is this?" She stammered.

"check the children, Check the Children, CHECK THE CHILDREN!"

"Please tell me who you are! This isn't funny, if it's a prank. I- I-"

"...check the children, Check the Children, CHECK THE CHILDREN!"

"Stop it, I'm scared! Whatever sick game you're playing, just stop it!"

"......check the children, Check the Children, CHECK THE CHILDREN!"

Then he hung up, and a very frightened Jenna began to go up the stairs to check on the kids. She was three or four steps up when the phone range once again, and this time it was the police.

"Jenna," The man from before said in a strained voice. "You need to get the children and get out of the house, now. We traced the calls and whoever it is is inside the house with you. Get the kids and get out, go to a neighbor's house. We're sending help as fast as we can, but you need to get out, NOW!" Jenna dropped the receiver and dashed up the stairs, the poker forgotten.

When the police got there, the door was hanging open. They rushed in on gunpoint, shouting for Jenna and the kids. They found them up stairs, in the bedroom. All six kids were dead in their beds, poisoned. While Jenna had thought they were sleeping peacefully, their lungs were bleeding out with each breath. Jenna's body was never found, but there was an enormous pool of blood on the floor. Later, when they tested it, it turned out to be Jenna's. And in the closet, they found a disposable cell phone: the kind that would show up on a caller I.D. As "Unknown Number".


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Sun Feb 23, 2014 8:16 pm
WallFlower wrote a review...



0.o

Woooo! Creeeeeepy!

I had actually never heard this story before, but I will definitely tell it around a campfire somewhere :)

I like the way you told this story. It seems so factual and almost void of emotion, and yet at the same time you had me kind of freaking out.

Just one teeny tiny nitpick.

She turned the volume down to the bare minimum, to keep from waking the kids


Personally, I would take out that comma. It provides an unnecessary pause.

Nice story!

~WallFlower




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Sun Feb 23, 2014 7:42 pm
KingofTerror wrote a review...



I've never heard this Urban Legend before, but this reminded me of R. L. Stine's "The Babysitter" which is the tale of a 16 year old babysitter who gets menacing phone calls from someone intending to make her the next victim in a series of babysitter murders. If you haven't read the novel, I highly recommended it.
I really enjoyed this. You were very effective at building suspense. I wish this had been a bit longer though. A little more detail would have made it even more suspenseful.
Overall, this was awesome and fun to read. Nice job!




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Wed Feb 19, 2014 10:11 pm
deleted30 wrote a review...



Hi there! Lucrezia here for a review.

I've always loved this story. I saw When A Stranger Calls (I believe that's the name... you know, the movie based on this tale) when I was eight and adored it. I'm so glad this story has finally popped up on YWS!

You did a good job of putting a sense of fear and paranoia in this piece, despite it being rather short. I liked that you made it your own without completely retelling it, making sure to keep the integrity of the original story.

Everything flowed together nicely. Not knowing much about the characters worked well here, as it helped with the frightening feel. Very nice.

You might want to continue this as a longer story, with more details and descriptions. It would make it even more suspenseful if it was longer. ;)

Nitpicks:

"check the children, Check The Children, CHECK THE CHILDREN!".


You don't really need the period at the end there, since there's already an exclamation point.

despite how freaked-out she was.


No need for the dash/hyphen.

"Hi, my name is Jenna Harmon. Right now I'm at my neighbors' house babysitting their six kids. I'm not expecting the kids' parents back until one in the morning, and I'm in the house with all of them asleep. I keep getting these calls on their home phone from an "unknown number". I don't know who it is, but he keeps saying "check the children, Check the Children, CHECK THE CHILDREN!". He's called twice, the first time I let it go, but he just called a second ago and I'm really creeped out."


Okay, so since Jenna's saying this, her dialogue already has double quotation marks. Writing "unknown number" and "check the children" in more quotation marks isn't correct. What you want to do (since, as I said, she's already speaking this) is change the double quotation marks to singular. Like so:

"Hi, my name is Jenna Harmon. Right now I'm at my neighbors' house babysitting their six kids. I'm not expecting the kids' parents back until one in the morning, and I'm in the house with all of them asleep. I keep getting these calls on their home phone from an 'unknown number.' I don't know who it is, but he keeps saying 'check the children, Check the Children, CHECK THE CHILDREN!' He's called twice, the first time I let it go, but he just called a second ago and I'm really creeped out."

See? :)

"They're Diane and Robert Walsh." She told the man...

..."Hello? Who is this?" She stammered.


In both of these cases, the S in "she" should be lowercase. Whenever you're writing a "he said" or "she said" following something a character has said, there's no need to capitalize the first letter, as it's connected to dialogue. Even if said dialogue ends in a period, exclamation point, or question mark.

Make sense?

the kind that would show up on a caller I.D. As "Unknown Number".


The A in "as" should be lowercase.

All right, done with nitpicks. As a whole, I'd say this piece was quite good, and very fun to read. Pacing's a bit fast, but it is a short story and what it's based on doesn't warrant too much detail or character development, so I'll give you a pass. ;)

Well done and keep up the good work!




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Mon Feb 17, 2014 5:08 am
Snowery says...



Hey! I just wanted to letmyou know that I really liked this. I don't know the actual legend I found that it didn't matter because I liked it anyway! :)

Silverlock




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Sun Feb 16, 2014 5:37 pm
Dreamer84 says...



That was really cool but I think that you should put in some more detail. maybe change the view of some of the text like in italics and try to make it have a voice and less of that documentry feel. other than that I thought it was an awesome story good job and good luck :)




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Sun Feb 16, 2014 5:16 pm
Dreamery says...



A nice twist on an Urban Legend!




ladcat13 says...


Why thank you :). By the way, my chat bar doesn't work, I know you've been trying to message me. I'm not sure what's wrong with my internet, but for the moment my chat is disabled.




It's not nice to roast people when they're out of comebacks.
— Tuckster