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Young Writers Society



lacey's first tv script!! this is just the first part.

by lacey


Lacey Crawford and Courtney Grams

Nov.8th 2007

Epilogue

Fade in

EXT. In a forest, on the outskirts of a village. Late at NIGHT close to 11:30.

A small boy, around the age of 11, shaggy looking short hair, walks slowly through the forest. Dressed in worn out clothes.

O.S. Yells in the background

Child suddenly stops. Listens to the screaming for a little bit.

Turns around toward the screaming and walks toward it.

Camera slowly pans up to the night sky.

O.S. Yelling suddenly gets more intense.

Then screaming stops suddenly.

Camera pan back down

The child suddenly pops up in front of the camera.

Child looks into camera with empty eyes.

Child is covered in blood

Child leaps at camera.

A horrible screeching sound comes out of the child when he leaps at the camera.

Fade out

ACT 1 SCENE 1

Fade in

INT. A teenage boy’s room. Clothes scattered on the floor. Other knickknacks either on the floor or tipped over and lying on their sides on a dresser. 6:45 Tuesday.

Alarm buzzer going off

Hand comes out from underneath the covers, reaching for the alarm.

Hand clenches into a fist.

Hand hits the alarm 5 times until the alarm turns off.

Boy stretches in bed while making stretching grunts.

Boy sits up and starts to rub his eyes.

Boy, HIROKO, White/Japanese, has black short/medium length hair, with pail green eyes. Hiroko is just wearing boxers. He is slender and in good shape. He is 6ft 2 inches, and is 17 years old.

Hiroko looks out his window at the trees in his yard.

He sees a squirrel running across the branches.

FEMALE VOICE (O.S.)

(Annoyed)

Are you up yet?

Hiroko

(Annoyed)

Yes, mom!

MOM (O.S.)

(Angry)

Don’t take that tone with me!

Hiroko gets out of bed and walks toward his closet

Opens closet

Looks through his clothes that are hanging in the closet

Chooses a shirt and pants

Gets dressed and ruffles his hair with his hand

Opens his door to his bed room and walks into the kitchen

Mom is facing the counter and butters toast.

Hiroko looks at her after he turns into the kitchen

Mom without turning around

MOM

(Withdrawn)

Breakfast is on the table. PAGE 2

Hiroko pulls out chair and sits in front of a plate of food

Starts eating the food in front of him

Mom

(Concerned)

So how has school been?

Hiroko

(Annoyed)

Fine, Mom.

Mom

(Hurt)

I'm just concerned

Hiroko

(Annoyed)

You ask me the same question every morning, and I give you the same answer. What makes you think it’s going to change!

Hiroko storms out of kitchen. Grabs backpack by the front door and opens door.

Mom runs out of kitchen after Hiroko with out stretched arms to grab a hold of Hiroko’s back of the shirt to stop him.

Hiroko walks out door and slams it in his mom’s face before she can reach him.

Mom stands there looks at the door. Tears form in corner of eyes. Walks back into kitchen and starts to clean the dishes.

ACT 1 SCENE 2

EXT. Sidewalks on both sides on the street. Fences close off yards. Tall trees in front the front yards. Couple yards with tiny dogs yipping away. Early morning, 7:30 A.M.

Hiroko walks down the sidewalk. Looks down at his feet while he walks. Stops and looks over his shoulder and looks at the house he stopped in front of. Starts to walk up to it.

PAGE 3

Hiroko starts to get a strange felling about this place. He knew something about it, like he’s been here before. As he nears the house he sees movement. He takes a step back as he hears a crash from inside. Then a teenage girl opens the door.

GIRL opens the front door and sees a teenage boy standing in front of her.

Hiroko

(Startled)

Looks at the girl in surprise. She has dazzling blue eyes behind a pair of bold frame glasses, medium dirty brown hair. She is wearing wrinkled and dirty clothes with rips in the jeans above her knee and a bag on her arm hangs to her hip. Stands there looking at her.

Girl turns and closes the door. Then turns back around to Hiroko and smiles. Walks down the steps and trips in the process.

Hiroko notices her falling and stops her in his arms.

Girl

(Relived and a little shaken)

Thanks! That was close. I’m ELIZABETH by the way, and I just moved here. Moves out of Hiroko’s arms and makes sure she is alright.

Hiroko

(Shaky)

Hello

ELIZABETH starts to walk down the path. (Happy) this is a pretty nice place. The last place we lived was so dull. I’m so happy that we moved somewhere there are kids my own age. (Turns and looks back at him when she reached the gate. Looks at Hiroko still standing at the bottom of the steps.) You coming?

Hiroko snaps back and starts to walk towards her slowly. He still has the feeling about this building. He caught up to where she was standing.

Elizabeth

(Happy) PAGE 4

You’re not normal. Then again neither am I. I'm talking to a total stranger! So what’s you name?

Hiroko

(Shy)

Umm… it’s Hiroko.

Elizabeth

(Happy)

Well isn’t that just the funniest name! It’s very nice to meet you!

Hiroko couldn’t get a word in. he was too stunned and confused. Plus this girl wouldn’t shut up! They finally made it to school. They both walk down the hall to their lockers.

Elizabeth

(Surprised)

Wow this place is big! I have never been to a real school before. I have always been home schooled.

Hiroko stopped and turned to her in front of their lockers at the far end of the hall.

Hiroko

(Annoyed)

Ok let me get this strait, you just moved here, you’ve been home schooled, and you like to talk?

Elizabeth

(Mad but still happy)

Well Mr. Smarty pants! You could put it that way. You know your no a morning person!

Hiroko

(Annoyed)

I’ve noticed thanks.

Elizabeth

(Happy)

Well then we should get to our first class then. Did you hear the great news yet?

Hiroko

(Annoyed)

Huh? PAGE 5

Elizabeth

(Happy)

You get to show me around the school! Isn’t that just great.

Hiroko

(Shocked)

Umm… NO! I have a lot of trouble with this school already. Why would they choose me?

Elizabeth

(Hurt)

They gave me a list of names and I picked you!

Hiroko

(Confused and annoyed)

What? Did you choose me for my name!?

Elizabeth

(Quietly)

To tell you the truth, your name called out to me. I had a strange feeling when I read it. I also couldn’t take my eyes off your name until I picked it. I can’t explain it. I just had this weird feeling when I saw it.

(Cheery)

I guess I creped you out now, huh! I’m sorry. Maybe we should just get to class.

Elizabeth and Hiroko open their lockers and grab the stuff they need for their classes and puts the some other things inside their lockers. Both turns around to see this little kid standing in the hallway looking at them.

Hiroko

(Annoyed)

Hey kid get to class, and get out of the senior hall! Then turns to look at Elizabeth.

Elizabeth

(Frozen with fear)

No leave me alone! I won’t go back! Please go!

Hiroko

(Confused)

What’s that all about? PAGE 6

Elizabeth

(Still shaken)

Nothing lets just get to class

Elizabeth grabs Hiroko’s shirt and drags him into their class room. Both just sit down.

Hiroko

(Still confused and sarcastic)

This year is going to be just great.

Turns and looks at Elizabeth

Elizabeth wide eyed but just sits there breathing heavily.

FADE OUT

THE END

PAGE 7

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User avatar
816 Reviews

Points: 8413
Reviews: 816

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Fri Nov 09, 2007 11:11 pm
Leja wrote a review...



It's an epilogue? But you say it's just the first part, so did you mean prologue?

Hiroko
(Annoyed)
You ask me the same question every morning, and I give you the same answer. What makes you think it’s going to change!


This is a rather cliche idea, the teenager being angry at the parent for asking this question (no matter the time of day). And then Hiroko (I like his name, by the way) storms out... like every other teenager on television. Whereas teenagers in real life would sit in exasperation having a lame conversation with their parents where they just reiterate that nothing's going on. Trust me. Hiroko's reaction seems a little extreme. I mean, I know he says that she asks that every day, but the audience hasn't seen that yet, so they can't share in his frustration as much. If this scene occurred later in the series, it might mean a little more. Also, the mother's reaction seems a little over the top. Her son gets mad so she cries. Well, many teenagers get mad at their parents all the time, so to have the parents crying all the time is rather unproductive.

When the girl is introduced, I believe you should should introduce her by her name from the start. So instead of "GIRL opens the front door..." it's "ELIZABETH opens the front door..." and go on to explain Elizabeth from there. Otherwise, to have her say it in dialogue makes it seem like she's shouting.

I'm not sure why Hiroko went up to the house? Or why Elizabeth randomly opened the door to a complete stranger?

Hiroko couldn’t get a word in. he was too stunned and confused. Plus this girl wouldn’t shut up! They finally made it to school. They both walk down the hall to their lockers.


^ make sure you stay distant; emotionless in the description of action or it reads more like a novel than a screenplay. And make sure to stay in present tense ['made it to school...' --> 'make it to school...']

Hiroku seems to analytical of Elizabeth's personality. Like he isn't talking to her, but talking about her to her... if that makes any sense... The "Okay let me get this straight..." part, which is in my opinion a phrase that only signifies info-dumping ahead and should be used sparingly.

Once they got to school, the dialogue started getting very contrived/fake. Like no real person would say the things Elizabeth says.

I'm assuming this is just the first part of the episode not the first part of the series, so in the rest, just make sure you tie the boy in the beginning back, somehow, otherwise audiences will surely lose interest waiting.

I'm going to go out on a limb and guess you're an anime fan. I like the odd anime myself, actually, but they often have such strange dialogue, once it's been translated from Japanese and fitted to the mouth movements of the characters for English voices. Just make sure you pay attention to the dialogue in native English shows as well, or it'll be difficult to write for a natively English audience.

Spell checking is also helpful.

Feel free to PM me with any questions; I'd be happy to help!
-Amelia




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Points: 4832
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Fri Nov 09, 2007 10:52 pm
smorgishborg wrote a review...



Well, you clearly have a story going. You got around to it, but I think you just hooked the audience for the next episode. But just barely. I would first recommend that you get into the action a bit faster. If your stated medium for this script is the boob tube, then you're going to have to move faster then in the stage. The audience isn't glued to it's seats.

There were a fair amount of typos. The worst was:
"Ok let me get this strait, you just moved here, you’ve been home schooled, and you like to talk?
So my recommendation is to go back and proofread.


Enough about that. Lets get into how this held up as a script.

I felt that this was a fine start, Shakespheare didn't jump out of the womb writing The Tempest. So don't feel bad about this as a first try. But the script as a whole was pedestrian.

The dialouge wasn't blantly fake, but also wasn't very inspired. You need to make the dialouge stand out somehow. It's very difficult to nitpick and tell exactly what wasn't right. It sounds wrong. The main guideline is that people ought to be interested by the dialouge. Smalltalk is fine, but you need to keep the audience in mind. Each line should have some signifigence. Many lines here seem thrown away.

And on that note you need more dialouge! Please write out Elizabeth's whole monolouge after "nice to meet you!". Please write a couple lines of self-reflection for Hiroko when he walks up Elizabeth's walk. We need to know more then you are telling us. More dialouge will help shore up these holes in your story.

And TOO MANY STAGE DIRECTIONS!. Usually people don't put enough. You have too many. Keep in mind that your script will be performed by human actors. These actors can think for themselves and don't need a step by step sequence to follow.You have to many words and it is distracting. Unless the fact that Hiroko's mom is buttering toast is crucial to the plot, that is useless information. I would cover that entire scene with "Mother prepares breakfast. Hiroko enters and eats the food his mom gives him." Done. Let your actors riff on that!

If you have a question, or if you want a full, line-by-line crit, please PM.

EDIT: Oh, and by-the-way, I know this is a great community and all that, but perhaps you want to strike your name (and friend's?) from the top of the script?





Poetry is a phantom script telling how rainbows are made and why they go away.
— Carl Sandburg