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The Cave

by kyleb06

The Cave

The boy walked across the dark stretch of ground. He was of an age older than around fourteen, yet younger than about eighteen. In this place, however, age did not matter. Nothing ever did. His eyes were a dark brown, and they matched his wavy, uncombed hair.

Looking up, he could see the rough top of the cave. The darkness should have stopped his vision, but he had been in this terrible place for what seemed an eternity and his eyes adjusted perfectly without any light.

Shifting his eyes to his surroundings, the boy saw the rocky outcrop the cave, the never-ending cave. The jagged edges of stone stuck out of the ground in an unpatterned and wild manor, and yet, they seemed so inviting. The boy walked closer to the jagged stones. Several of them shot straight at him and sliced his thighs. The boy quickly hid the six cuts under his clothing to somehow stop there existence.

The boy walked for what seemed to be several miles, and the cave had no end. In fact, it only seemed to be getting deeper. To most people, the cave would instill a deep sense of fear and foreboding, but the great, wondrous space only showed the boy to be phlegmatic in emotion. In his mind, he had no need to be scared at all. The great expanse of land was in its own way, beautiful. It stopped the boy from having to deal with anyone else. He was... free.

The boy disappeared into the abyss, never again to be seen.

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Points: 2227
Reviews: 157

Sun Mar 03, 2013 5:57 am
arianaSarroyo wrote a review...

Hello there. I'm not excellent at giving reviews, but here's a shot anyway. To begin, I think you have a nice premise here. It was interesting to read. However, it did contain some grammatical flaws. For instance, in one stanza, you say to stop "there existence". It should say "their existence". You may also want to proofread it more, carefully analyzing for other examples of grammatical and spelling errors.

In addition, I must add that the use of "the boy" several times is rather dull. I'm not sure how you can spice it up, however I do have to say, it takes away from the piece. From repeating "the boy" so many times, it just becomes boring and annoying to read.

Perhaps also you could give the beginning some work. I think the first lines could be better in terms of being more descriptive in a less bland way. Try to be more open to figurative language, such as simile, metaphor. Also use stronger imagery.

Other than that, good job with your writing here, and I sincerely hope you do take some of my suggestions into consideration.

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68 Reviews

Points: 3129
Reviews: 68

Sun Mar 03, 2013 5:44 am
ka67 wrote a review...

I liked this piece, I really did but there seems to be an ability to make the story deeper and more dark, more inviting. I'd read more if the story would morph and we found out the boys name, exactly what made him so dark and what led him to the cave. Someone sort of back story or future on to what might happen to him in the darkness. does he go insane, does he really fade away, is he left to be fed to the monster eating away inside of him? Many different questions but overall I truly liked the piece :)

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35 Reviews

Points: 1352
Reviews: 35

Sun Mar 03, 2013 4:05 am
winterbites wrote a review...

Hello, there c:

This was something different, but I really did like it.

"Shifting his eyes to his surroundings, the boy saw the rocky outcrop the cave, the never-ending cave. The jagged edges of stone stuck out of the ground in an unpatterned and wild manor, and yet, they seemed so inviting. "

I really like how you described his surroundings in the cave. I personally would of like to have seen the boy do more about his cuts then just cover them, but then when you say,

"somehow stop there existence."

That caught my eye, I liked how you wrote that.

Hope you continue writing c:


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19 Reviews

Points: 0
Reviews: 19

Wed Feb 27, 2013 8:03 am
Chuck10931 wrote a review...

Okay for starters I have no idea how to review or give good advice but what I want to say is that I think this is really good. I think you could change some stuff to make it work better. I also feel like this is from a book as in it could fit somewhere In a book but hey what do I know. I think if you work on this you could turn this into a novel or something like that. So anyway a review Huzzah I however know not what to say for a good review so this is a rather bad review pay more attention towards the better people. Not me anyway Good Luck and keep up the good work!

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861 Reviews

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Reviews: 861

Wed Feb 27, 2013 7:39 am
Morrigan wrote a review...

Hi there Kyle.

First of all, DiskElemental gave you excellent advice on the titanpad. Check that out (he beat me to saying all of that, so this might be rather short).

I think you should un-bold it; it'll be easier to read.

My advice to you, dear sir, is to get into the boy's head. I want to know what he's thinking, not what the cave looks like. It's a cave. You may mention that it doesn't end, but I'm more interested in why this boy is going into this cave, and how he feels (in depth and earlier introduced than you have it now). You don't have to give specifics, really, but just kind of give us a clue.

Use more vivid and direct verbs. Instead of "to be," switch your sentence around so you can use a more illustrative verb. In much good writing, the description often shows up in the verbs rather than the adjectives. Let me show you. You say:

Looking up, he could see the rough top of the cave.
What you could say is:
Looking up, he glimpsed the rough top of the cave.
If you want to get even better, make the top of the cave the subject:
The rough cave ceiling loomed over his head as he stared upwards.
Understand? There are some other sentences like this; see if you can switch them around to get a stronger description (possibly with fewer words; less is more).

I hope that this review was helpful. Keep writing and have a nice day.

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19 Reviews

Points: 1182
Reviews: 19

Wed Feb 27, 2013 4:30 am
DiskElemental wrote a review...

Full review available here:

This is a decent piece of flash fiction, it accomplishes what it sets out to do, no more, no less. You had a few grammar and wording errors, but none of them really detracted from the piece.
The major problem with the piece was in your choice of language. In this kind of piece, less is more. You really want to leave the appearance of the cave up to the reader, because they can come with something that represents isolation and destitution to them, than you can. The things you really need to describe are the boy's thoughts and feelings, which you're doing, but you're putting in extra and clunky words so it's kinda hard to get into a good flow, which is what my edits were mainly trying to fix.

A person is a fool to become a writer. His only compensation is absolute freedom. He has no master except his own soul, and that, I am sure, is why he does it.
— Roald Dahl