Published February 27, 2013
The Cave
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139,409 Literary Works • 672,558 Reviews
Hello there. I'm not excellent at giving reviews, but here's a shot anyway. To begin, I think you have a nice premise here. It was interesting to read. However, it did contain some grammatical flaws. For instance, in one stanza, you say to stop "there existence". It should say "their existence". You may also want to proofread it more, carefully analyzing for other examples of grammatical and spelling errors.
In addition, I must add that the use of "the boy" several times is rather dull. I'm not sure how you can spice it up, however I do have to say, it takes away from the piece. From repeating "the boy" so many times, it just becomes boring and annoying to read.
Perhaps also you could give the beginning some work. I think the first lines could be better in terms of being more descriptive in a less bland way. Try to be more open to figurative language, such as simile, metaphor. Also use stronger imagery.
Other than that, good job with your writing here, and I sincerely hope you do take some of my suggestions into consideration.
I liked this piece, I really did but there seems to be an ability to make the story deeper and more dark, more inviting. I'd read more if the story would morph and we found out the boys name, exactly what made him so dark and what led him to the cave. Someone sort of back story or future on to what might happen to him in the darkness. does he go insane, does he really fade away, is he left to be fed to the monster eating away inside of him? Many different questions but overall I truly liked the piece
Hello, there c:
This was something different, but I really did like it.
"Shifting his eyes to his surroundings, the boy saw the rocky outcrop the cave, the never-ending cave. The jagged edges of stone stuck out of the ground in an unpatterned and wild manor, and yet, they seemed so inviting. "
I really like how you described his surroundings in the cave. I personally would of like to have seen the boy do more about his cuts then just cover them, but then when you say,
"somehow stop there existence."
That caught my eye, I liked how you wrote that.
Hope you continue writing c:
~WinterBites
Okay for starters I have no idea how to review or give good advice but what I want to say is that I think this is really good. I think you could change some stuff to make it work better. I also feel like this is from a book as in it could fit somewhere In a book but hey what do I know. I think if you work on this you could turn this into a novel or something like that. So anyway a review Huzzah I however know not what to say for a good review so this is a rather bad review pay more attention towards the better people. Not me anyway Good Luck and keep up the good work!
Hi there Kyle.
What you could say is: If you want to get even better, make the top of the cave the subject: Understand? There are some other sentences like this; see if you can switch them around to get a stronger description (possibly with fewer words; less is more).First of all, DiskElemental gave you excellent advice on the titanpad. Check that out (he beat me to saying all of that, so this might be rather short).
I think you should un-bold it; it'll be easier to read.
My advice to you, dear sir, is to get into the boy's head. I want to know what he's thinking, not what the cave looks like. It's a cave. You may mention that it doesn't end, but I'm more interested in why this boy is going into this cave, and how he feels (in depth and earlier introduced than you have it now). You don't have to give specifics, really, but just kind of give us a clue.
Use more vivid and direct verbs. Instead of "to be," switch your sentence around so you can use a more illustrative verb. In much good writing, the description often shows up in the verbs rather than the adjectives. Let me show you. You say:
I hope that this review was helpful. Keep writing and have a nice day.
Full review available here: http://titanpad.com/wvAUfVq3Qa
This is a decent piece of flash fiction, it accomplishes what it sets out to do, no more, no less. You had a few grammar and wording errors, but none of them really detracted from the piece.
The major problem with the piece was in your choice of language. In this kind of piece, less is more. You really want to leave the appearance of the cave up to the reader, because they can come with something that represents isolation and destitution to them, than you can. The things you really need to describe are the boy's thoughts and feelings, which you're doing, but you're putting in extra and clunky words so it's kinda hard to get into a good flow, which is what my edits were mainly trying to fix.