Published August 16, 2005
I know the ending isn't all that good, but I like the poem, can you please help!!!
Tell me a secret,
Tell me a lie,
Tell me a story,
About the day I might die.
Tell me your life,
Tell me your sorrow,
Tell me there will always,
Be a tomorrow.
Tell me your number,
Tell me your sly,
Tell me you are trustworthy,
Don't ever make me cry.
Tell me about you,
Tell me your insane,
Tell me your popular,
Don't make me feel ashamed.
Tell me about the future,
Tell me it won't die,
Tell me about your Ex,
Make me feel shy.
Tell me the world,
Tell me anything,
Tell me I am a great singer,
Make me sing.
You can tell me what you want,
I won't cry, I won't, I will not,
Just spare me a favor,
Don't take me for granted,
It's the only life I've got.
I know it's not all that good, but I need some help. Please!
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Tell me your number,
Tell me your sly,
Tell me you are trustworthy,
Don't ever make me cry.
YOU'RE SLY
and why didn't ou say YOU'RE for YOU ARE TRUSTWORTHY??
And the NUMBER didn't fit in with this.
Tell me your insane,
Tell me your popular,
YOU'RE INSANE
YOU'RE POPULAR
(You gotta know when to say your from you're.)
Pretty much what Sam said....
pretty weird... pretty weird.
Your, belongs to
You're belongs to you
I have been working at my poems and am in the middle of working on one, thanks for the compliment on how I am inproving that is always nice to hear, I re-read it and now see what you guys are saying I will correct it sometime in the next few days. Thanks for the tips guys!
Yeah, the repeativeness and improper use of "your" got on my nerves as well. However, I can tell that you are improving. I am in complete agreement with Sam about the rhyming. I personally like poetry to have rhyme and meter, but not if it takes away from the tone and atmosphere, or takes away from the logic. Don't chose a word just because it rhymes, particularly stanzas two and six. They don't make much sense, simply because you wanted to have a perfect rhyme. What matters is not chosing the word that rhymes the best. It's chosing the best word for what you want to convey.
thanks for the advice, when I have a few spare minutes, outside of my hectic life, I will take into consideration about what you said and change it! thanks so much, thats the stuff I was looking for.
First of all, it's way too repetitive.
Get Rid of Stanzas:2,4,6
Second, let's get a basic grammar lesson down, shall we?
Your: possessive. Yourcoat's on the rack.
You're: contraction for 'you are'. You'recool. (think You arecool.)
That was what put me off...*shudders*...I'm obsessive-compulsive about grammar...
And instead of 'tell me about your ex', put 'tell me about you'. This poem doesn't have much of a rhythm to it, and it doesn't affect the rhyme scheme...so...there you go.
I would completely get rid of the rhyming scheme, if you're up to it. The words that rhyme with 'eye' are very bland and it makes the poem...un-spiffy. So if you really like the poem and have too much time on your hands, I'd say what you really want to instead of worrying about if it rhymes or not.
Other than that, I thought it was pretty cute. Like your name implies...