Introduction
Introduction
“Lucifer, you will not be the new messiah I introduce to you my son, the new messiah, Jesus,” God announced and revealed Jesus on the throne sitting so imperiously.
Lucifer bent over overwhelmed his crystal green eyes widened in shock and his full yellow lips parted and gasped silently for air. His giant gold glittery wings opened and closed a few times. All the angels watched Lucifer in fear not ever seeing such a reaction from him or anybody before.
That’s when a dark black curvy female figure appeared with yellow night owl eyes. Her hair was made of fire and her every movement was swift as she walked silently around the bent Lucifer who did not look up to acknowledge her. The stem of her nose was medium long and then she had a pug nose. Her lips were black and tainted with a dark red, her eyes were big yellow and owl creature like, and her face was oval.
“My love,” the creature said in a harmonious dark voice, “our time has come for us to take over. Have I ever let you down? Didn’t I tell you that God was going to deceive you? And look at you now you’re in a new disposition till you get your revenge. Look at you you’re in a cold sweat.”
Lucifer’s lover no one could see including God continued to circle around him as he continued to be upset and in awe. No one could see Lucifer’s lover only he could, ever since he met her she was a secret kept from God Lucifer knew he’d take away if he told him. Lucifer fell deeply in love with this dark creature not knowing where she came from, she always told him that someday God will deceive him and he’ll feel something he’d never felt before, hate.
“Impossible,” Lucifer whispered, “He’d never do something like this…must…be…some kind of…some kind of joke.” Drips of sweat rolled down his forehead, his nose, and onto the golden heaven floors.
One of Lucifer’s female Asian angel friends, Lohota, stepped towards him and touched Lucifer’s back in comfort but Lucifer roared, “Get away from me!” and pushed her hand away, she staggered back in fear. Lucifer’s eyes enflamed with rage and so much hate that made his heart beat immensely fast. He looked at God and said, “You said that I will be the new messiah!!”
“Lucifer,” Jesus said, “Calm down your still our favorite angel.”
Lucifer glared at Jesus and spat, “Our-our?! No one was talking to you this between God and I!”
“Lucifer,” God said concerned, “A familiar spirit is in you that I thought I destroyed… evil. Where have you picked this up?”
The angels started speaking amongst themselves because they were starting to feel it too. Rage and hate touched their souls filling half of them up with darkness and the rest were pushing it away. The spirit of evil was epidemic the black creature smirked at the angels that were infected who could now see her.
“Tell him you can’t destroy anything that it is apart of you,” the creature lady said, “You can make yourself blind from it or forget about it but you can never destroy it.” She placed her hands on top of Lucifer’s shoulders whispering in his ear.
Lucifer didn’t know what she was talking about but he repeated what she had to say. God’s eyes widened at this and grew angry too, the dark creature laughed at the spreading evil it even contaminated God. God stood up and said, “Silence this nonsense you do not know what you speak of. Now bow down before Jesus and acknowledge Him as the true messiah!”
Everyone except for the perfidiously infected angels and Lucifer bowed down before Jesus. The evil angels stood tall with their heads high, eyes glowing red, and they’re bodies turning to dark purple scales, wings turning black and leathery, and horns growing out their heads. The more seconds went by, the uglier they changed, and the more evil they looked. Their eyes were dark, hollow, and scary like they were lifeless statues with no heart or emotion.
The impious Lucifer watched God feeling intimidated God yelled, “Lucifer what have you done?! Who has tainted you? What did this to you?”
“I’ve fallen in love God,” Lucifer said, “With a woman that always knew you were a deceiver and she warned me about this day. I don’t know where she came from but I do know that you cannot see her for she is behind me right now.”
The creature lady smiled revealing her deadly fangs, pleased at Lucifer’s words. “Tell him his masochistic haunting past coming from the grave.”
Lucifer repeated what his lover had to say.
“There is no woman behind you Lucifer yet you truly believe this, something’s not right this couldn’t have been going on without me noticing that only means that…that-,” God said.
“Yes,” suddenly the dark creature became visible in God’s sight and then she said mockingly “God!”
God reeled in his throne shocked and taken aback, “Impossible you were destroyed! I defeated you!” God stood up from his throne towering everyone casting a shadow over them.
The dark creature’s eyes rolled to the back of its head showing its whites, she glitch, and disappeared. Satan’s eyes rolled to the back of his head, his wings spread, and flew up towards facing God. He flapped his wings floating in one spot now embodied with the dark creature and said in Satan’s voice coherent with the dark woman’s a very monstrous voice, “You can not destroy me, God! I am apart of you! You have injured me critically but I rejuvenated quicker with the help of Lucifer. You stripped me of my strength but I’m coming back now. I’m coming back now to take what is mine including half of the angels!”
Lucifer’s possessed body reached out his arm to touch God’s face, his arm went through him and waves of blackness rippled through God’s spirit making them into one whole again. God yelled horrifically and said, “Not again will I be attached to you!”
“I don’t want you! I want my power!” Lucifer spat but God threw Lucifer down on the ground, the dark creature lady then came out of his body and teleported on her feet. She touched her face slowly with her eyes closed in pleasure, feeling the little energy she stole running through her. She licked her lips as if she just ate something and opened her eyes wide.
Lucifer stood up not knowing what was going on, not knowing what his lover was talking about. He didn’t know anything about where she came from or even her name, he just knew that he loved her for some reason. He watched her looking even more attractive to him then before. He continued to feel the epitome of evil dwell in his soul; he wanted to destroy God and all the angels that were with him. His eyes were blood shot red and his heart continued to beat fast.
“Lucifer…what…have…you…done?” God said in a hurt manner. Without waiting for his reply, God stomped his foot on the holy grounds and watched it crackle around all the demons, Lucifer, and the dark creature. They looked around themselves as the floor erupted with hot red fire coming through the cracks and steam. “ I cannot let you take Heaven but I can let you take Hell Lucifer. I cast you down into the bottomless pits of the fiery atmospheric Hell. But I beg of you Lucifer-
Suddenly, the dark creature tried to pierce her hand through God vociferously but God smite her down. She hit and broke the golden pavement it crumbled as all the malicious angels fell down through the ground being sucked in with Hell. “Lucifer I beg of you please reconsider and come back! You don’t know what you’re doing! You don’t know what you’re dealing with!” God yelled after Lucifer as he fell down to Hell.
In the pits of Hell, the dark creature lady stood behind Lucifer on his throne, massaging his shoulders and whispering things in his ear. “You are the King of this place; you are the ruler of everyone here. God failed to give you such a high position but I am a better God.”
Lucifer put his hand up for second, “Wait what’s your story? Now can you tell me where you came from?”
The dark creature said, “I have no creator I am the creator. I am Urtaka, God’s other half that he tried to destroy. I’m his split personality, I’m all the traits he considered bad. Because in the beginning God was good and evil love and hate. And then one day he went masochistic and split himself in half and he defeated me nut didn’t completely destroy me. Just left me dormant floating through the blackness of what was not created.”
Lucifer squint his now red crystal eyes trying to understand how God could split himself in half. Urkata ran her hands through his curly blood red hair and said, “I didn’t want to tell you this at first because I was afraid you wouldn’t want to be with me and help me heal. Your sad music fed my darkness and made me heal faster anything negative that still existed made me heal faster.”
Lucifer remained silent, thinking of all the times they spent together in Heaven. How he would make love to her in his room. She was like heroin to him and her kisses were like liquid fire literally warming up his chest. But what he didn’t know was that she was planting her evil seeds in him. That he was slowly being prepared to feel the malignance she felt.
“So-“
“You are my King,” Urkata said cutting him off, “and I am your wife your Queen.”
Urkata placed a silver crown on his head encrusted with jewels and diamonds, she kneeled down on both knees n front of him and placed her hands on his lap. She looked up at the beautiful Lucifer; his square jaw, full lips, pug nose, red crystal small eyes, and auburn red curls. He was truly a sight to see while Urkata was just as beautiful in her own creature like ways.
“Together we will conquer Heaven, Hell, and Earth,” she said.
“How?” Lucifer asked.
Urkata leaned forward and whispered…
Chapter One
A pregnant dark black woman, Monica, wearing an all white dress ran carefully frantically bare footed with sweat dripping down her face and her press sweating out. She kept looking back in the woods in fear at the crowd of hooded people that ran way behind her. She held her stomach making sure she wouldn’t harm baby as she went down a hill and spotted a cabin across from a small swamp.
Monica nearly out of breath ran into the warm swamp, murky water splashing in the air, it went up to her chest as she made herself across into the sand into the cabin and opened the door. She yelled, “Hello?” and switched on the light to find more hooded people standing around her. She widened her dark brown eyes and turned around but stopped to see a tall black cloaked person with a goat head mask over his face. Monica screamed as the masked person grabbed her vociferous arms. The rest of group came forward to her and dragged her to the huge cabin bedroom where the there was a Queen sized bed and a pentagram drawn in goat blood on the main blanket.
They put her carefully on the bed as she struggled and tied her arms and legs to the four bed posts. “ Please-please-please,” she begged and then started screaming loudly. The forest was full of her screams but no one could hear her not on this night.
Two of the hooded figures together pulled up Monica’s dress wet dress up and cut off her dark pink underwear with a knife. She winced thinking they were going to cut her then felt relief when they didn’t.
“Please let me go, please let me go,” Monica said. She had just escaped some goat head masked black cloaked woman who accidentally woke her up with the creaks of her bed room floor. Monica saw the frightening goat head mask and the tranquilizer shot in her hand and yelled. She rolled over a bit on her side when the hooded woman tried to stab her with the shot but missed. Monica called for her servant as she got up and ran slowly down the halls, she went into one guest room and pulled out her husband’s gun from the dresser but then she ran into a crowd of black hooded people at her front door.
“You’ll never get out of this,” the goat head masked woman said behind her in the same exact voice of Monica’s servant, Sheba. Monica shot her gun at the crowd and some fell and parted like the sea. She went through them and ran but now she is caught and begging for her life.
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Haha, all hail! XD The story is actually kinda good. Although as others mentioned (and plagarised), there are technical issues to figure out. Have fun!
Hey,
As I start this story my first question is why does it say introduction twice? Okay done with the story now. It was really well written of course this is a review so here is my little nitpick list;
Lucifer’s eyes enflamed with (Should be inflamed or en-flamed)
“Calm down your still (You're)
eyes were blood shot red (bloodshot one word)
he defeated me nut didn’t completely (But?)
both knees n front of him (In)
Well that it for my little nitpick list. You did a really nice job with this story. I love the heaven and hell twist you have here it was all around very pleasant to read. Great job keep writing.
Sincerely,
Collideascope
Hi!
This was a very unique spin on heaven and hell. i really like the character relationships you have formed in this story. I love the idea of a woman luring Lucifer into hell, so he can be king. I am anxious to read more; although, I do think the chapter one part of this post was too short and felt kind of like a summary instead of a continuing story. While the evil entity was speaking, I kind of felt a reminiscing of Harry Potter; this character reminds me of Voldemort: trying to regain the power he once held. Sorry if you didn't get that reference, but your story kind of has a magical feel as Harry Potter does. Some of your grammatical errors distracted from the reading of this story
Why did you just copy the other person's review.
Hi!
This was a very unique spin on heaven and hell. i really like the character relationships you have formed in this story. I love the idea of a woman luring Lucifer into hell, so he can be king. I am anxious to read more; although, I do think the chapter one part of this post was too short and felt kind of like a summary instead of a continuing story. While the evil entity was speaking, I kind of felt a reminiscing of Harry Potter; this character reminds me of Voldemort: trying to regain the power he once held. Sorry if you didn't get that reference, but your story kind of has a magical feel as Harry Potter does. Some of your grammatical errors distracted from the reading of this story, and I will try to walk you through them.
“Lucifer, you will not be the new messiah I introduce to you my son, the new messiah, Jesus,”
There is a natural pause after "you will not be the new messiah", and I think that is where you should add a comma. Try reading through your work and finding natural pauses in just the way you read, usually that is where the commas need to be.
Lucifer bent over overwhelmed his crystal green eyes widened in shock and his full yellow lips parted and gasped silently for air.
There should be a comma after shock because you are combining two complete sentences with the word and. This is a good site to look for help with commas and conjunctions: http://www.dummies.com/how-to/content/h ... ences.html
Aside from a few problems with commas, I didn't see much wrong with this story, and I am really excited to see more from you! Thanks for the exciting read, and feel free to ask any questions!
xoxo,
Rascalover