Published June 1, 2009
No time was right,
but no time was truly wrong,
I tried so hard,
to comprehend why...
I had waited so long,
The time was close,
yet somehow a bit too far,
Perhaps a bit more planning,
could have prevented...
this unforgiving scar,
Life now is prime,
Thanks to a choice now so old,
The healing has now begun,
because I achieved my goal...
to be in your loving hold,
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140,567 Literary Works • 673,442 Reviews
I'm sorry I don't have anything super incitefull to say but I would like to say I loved it. I'm not really sure why I like it so much I just does. Something about the way it sounds in my head strikes a chord in my soul. Yeah I know I sound really fake, but it really did. Even though this isn't really helping with your poem (and I'm sorry about that) I just had to say I love it.
Really very nice, I have one problem with
Perhaps a bit more planning,
could have prevented...
this unforgiving scar,
This is just sort of awkwardly worded, just consider smoother language.
Great job!
These three stanzas are basically all saying the same thing. I would suggest that you only use one of these stanzas because in poetry you dont want to say the same thing over and over and over and over and well you get the point. This is just a suggestion. I do like the way you open this up though.
This catches the readers attention and curiosity. This presents the oppurtunity to put in and stretch more on this topic. If you really want to. Anyways once again just a suggestion. Ilike how you don't go out ahead and put what you mean.
I don't know. This stanza just seems so out of place with such language. Fine just irks me as Alyss above has said. I know you have a bigger vocabulary than this.
I love how you ended the poem however. And how you left the comma as if therer were more. Great job on this part. Keep posting. And good luck.
~Kaylyn
By the way guys, call me Jacob.
Well, I was going to post another poem ,nut people wanted a better version of "The Two of Us". I am still testing some new ways of punctuating to add a type of anxiousness. Thanks again. Also, I'm lazy so do the the editing on your own please.
I would also suggest a more structured form. I would also put a period at the end instead of the last word. I would suggest also that you keep rhythm in mind. I tend to read my poetry out loud to ensure that I keep a steady beat. The life is now fine line seems a bit out of place, but that just could be me. Great job, keep up the poetry and remember that practice makes perfect. It would also be great to see you write some poetry that isn't related to teen love angst.
The best of luck.
~Alyss Heart
Sorry, I thought I had made at least three reviews. Thanks for the critique. I really couldn't figure out a real scheme. I just let it flow.
Before I review this I want to give you a big happy welcome to YWS and to let you know that before you post somthing you have to give two reviews. This ensures that everybodys work gets critqued
my names tiffany and PM me if you have any other questions.
I think this stanza sounds much better with out the but in the second line. Also for that to work you would have to take out the 'truely'. its completely up to you.
I think the third line reads better like this: Had I waited so long,
Unlike Incandescence I don't see alot of emotion. Maybe more imagery or a rhyming sceme would make it more emotional and relatable
I liked this piece.
Much encouragement and i hope my review was helpful
-Tiffany
kudzugenius,
I think this poem would be better served in an established form—a sonnet or the like—with a defined syllabic and rhyme scheme. There is certainly enough open-endedness in the poem for that sort of elaboration.
Should you not agree, one thing I'm concerned by is the ellipses. They aren't doing anything for the poem; rather, they seem solely to disrupt the rhythm of it and can ruin the rhymes (which is why I've suggested a more structured form).
The vagueness of the story works for me, but just barely. (Others will disagree.) In your revisions, you should really try to keep an eye on the tension between the cause and effect—between the love that hurts and the love that heals. It's a tension not fully resolved here until the final line, and I'd recommend keeping that intact, if at all possible.
Otherwise, I think you should consider expanding the first and third strophes. Time is one of the most interesting things about love (what it does to time--how it's never right, but never wrong, always close but always far; what does love do to time? how do we love someone "in time" if love is what complicates time itself?), and I think those momentary, passing lines could be more profound here if you gave them some additional thought.
All the best,
Brad
Great poem
I really love it.
It's really showing a deep feeling in it and I like that.