Young Writers Society

I'm sorry I don't have anything super incitefull to say but I would like to say I loved it. I'm not really sure why I like it so much I just does. Something about the way it sounds in my head strikes a chord in my soul. Yeah I know I sound really fake, but it really did. Even though this isn't really helping with your poem (and I'm sorry about that) I just had to say I love it.

Really very nice, I have one problem with

Perhaps a bit more planning,

could have prevented...

this unforgiving scar,


This is just sort of awkwardly worded, just consider smoother language.

Great job!

No time was right,

but no time was truly wrong,



I tried so hard,

to comprehend why...

I had waited so long,



The time was close,

yet somehow a bit too far,

Perhaps a bit more planning,

could have prevented...

this unforgiving scar,

Life now is fine,

Thanks to a choice now so old,

The healing has now begun,

because I achieved my goal...

to be in your loving hold,

By the way guys, call me Jacob.

Well, I was going to post another poem ,nut people wanted a better version of "The Two of Us". I am still testing some new ways of punctuating to add a type of anxiousness. Thanks again. Also, I'm lazy so do the the editing on your own please.

I would also suggest a more structured form. I would also put a period at the end instead of the last word. I would suggest also that you keep rhythm in mind. I tend to read my poetry out loud to ensure that I keep a steady beat. The life is now fine line seems a bit out of place, but that just could be me. Great job, keep up the poetry and remember that practice makes perfect. It would also be great to see you write some poetry that isn't related to teen love angst. The best of luck.

~Alyss Heart

Sorry, I thought I had made at least three reviews. Thanks for the critique. I really couldn't figure out a real scheme. I just let it flow.

Before I review this I want to give you a big happy welcome to YWS and to let you know that before you post somthing you have to give two reviews. This ensures that everybodys work gets critqued
my names tiffany and PM me if you have any other questions.

No time was right,
but no time was truly wrong,

I tried so hard,
to comprehend why...
I had waited so long,

kudzugenius,


I think this poem would be better served in an established form—a sonnet or the like—with a defined syllabic and rhyme scheme. There is certainly enough open-endedness in the poem for that sort of elaboration.

Should you not agree, one thing I'm concerned by is the ellipses. They aren't doing anything for the poem; rather, they seem solely to disrupt the rhythm of it and can ruin the rhymes (which is why I've suggested a more structured form).

The vagueness of the story works for me, but just barely. (Others will disagree.) In your revisions, you should really try to keep an eye on the tension between the cause and effect—between the love that hurts and the love that heals. It's a tension not fully resolved here until the final line, and I'd recommend keeping that intact, if at all possible.

Otherwise, I think you should consider expanding the first and third strophes. Time is one of the most interesting things about love (what it does to time--how it's never right, but never wrong, always close but always far; what does love do to time? how do we love someone "in time" if love is what complicates time itself?), and I think those momentary, passing lines could be more profound here if you gave them some additional thought.


All the best,
Brad

Great poem
I really love it.
It's really showing a deep feeling in it and I like that.