The world it seems, surrounds us,
But has it ever really found us?
With secrets hidden,
And thoughts forbidden,
Are we able to expose ourselves?
Or do we just live in our private hells?
.
If we just opened up,
And together we supped.
Exposing what’s within,
Like we were the closest kin.
Would we finally see?
Would we be set free?
And to be at least,
For once at peace?
.
I’d say we’d be.
That we’d live set free,
Of all the turmoil,
That follows us to the soil.
So why don’t we tell,
Of our personal hells,
And find in other’s haven,
A route to our own heaven.
.
Angels and daemons alike,
Together for salvation we fight.
To make our earthly stay,
Easier in a way.
Peace between us all,
Otherwise together we must fall.
.
To take that chance,
Engage in blasphemous romance.
To fight for the good,
Which unites us, the fooled.
As sheep and lions,
Let us find our own Zions.
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Questions & More
Your rhyming sceme! Your message! This was beautiful!!.. But as a reviewer I must critque. To start I have a question-
Does this line really flow the rest? Do you think the comma here should be reviewed? Does this thought seem incomplete?
Critique
.I don't exactly like these stanzas-
Using would, we, threw me off, and I don't think it's a good idea to use see and free. They just sound too similar.
.In your third set of stanzas I notice you start with these lines-
That doesn't make sense. Try starting with the secant line.
JazenKnight Out
Thank you for the reply and positive comments!
As for the first question, I actually spent sometime pondering how I wanted that to flow, and obviously I couldn't figure it out before I had posted the work. How do you thing this flows:
If we just opened up
And together we supped,
Exposing what%u2019s within
Like we were the closest kin.
I personally still have trouble with how that flows and honestly at this point don't know where to turn.
As for your critiques, I find them very useful, its just that I don't know how to adjust them quite yet in this piece. Obviously a change in words, but that requires a words that still rhyme and of course give off the desired meaning.
Thank you,
kstav
Hi there! Popping in for a review
To start, I like the implementation of a rhyme scheme. It's a good way of keeping a steady rhythm flowing in the mind of your readers and keeps everything smooth in terms of readability.
The message of the poem itself comes across as poignant, but confusing at times -- it feels like you're trying to hit a lot of different topics at the same time, which is not necessarily a bad thing, but a bit of clarification or more detail in terms of your main message could help clear the air a little bit.
I personally enjoyed the second stanza the most, as it made the clearest point about getting along with others and forging peace in a world so determined to be divided. I did, however, come across some awkward punctuation in the opening lines of this stanza:
"If we just opened up,
And together we supped."
Did you mean to put a period at the end of "And together we supped"? It comes across as a jarring stop to an incomplete thought, so I figured I'd mention it in case it was unintentional.
All in all this is a powerful poem and I like the message I drew from it. Wonderful job and write on! <3
Thank you for the reply and the encouragement.
I agree with your stance that the poem needs some narrowing so to speak. When I wrote it I was maybe not in the clearest mindset. So although inspired I was all over the place. So the poem could definitely be refined in that sense.
And in regards to the lines in the second stanza; I think that I am going to change up the punctuation of the first four lines. I was thinking something along the lines of this:
\If we just opened up
And together we supped,
Exposing what%u2019s within
Like we were the closest kin.
Let me know what you think of that change.
Thanks again,
kstav