Prologue
It was a bright sunny day in the middle of summer when they came. There was nothing out of the ordinary, nothing to foreshadow what would happen in the next few moments. A cheerful black-haired woman, with a dark past, but bright future went to answer a simple knock on the door. There stood two men in suits, on her doorstep. One of them removed his sunglasses and spoke to her.
"Hello, Donna. It's time." As the woman gazed upon the men, her expression turned to terror.
"Who are you?" she demanded.
"You know who we are." Donna gulped; her palms started sweating, her heart started racing.
"And what do you want?" she gasped.
"You know that too."
"No!" she shouted, shaking her head. "You aren't taking my daughter away from me!"
"You have no choice, Donna. You knew this day would come."
"Please! She's only seven. She's just a little girl."
"That doesn't matter," they said. "We need her, and we shall have her."
"Just one more year, please. Just one more year!"
"Don't resist, Donna. You're only making this harder on yourself. Now, move out of the way."
"No. I'll die first!"
"Mommy!" Donna turned her head as her daughter entered the living room.
"No! Run, Tamara, Run!" The little girl, seeing her mother's fear, darted towards the back door of the house. As she ran she heard a thud and then she felt a painful jerk backwards, bringing her to a quick halt. One of the men held her arm tightly.
Immediately the girl began pounding on the man with her other fist, shouting, "Let me go! Let me go!" But the man refused. He grabbed on to her other arm and forced the girl to look into his face.
"You, Tamara, may be young, but we have huge plans for you."
"No! Go away! Go away! Mommy! Mommy!" But Donna didn't reply, lying unresponsive on the floor.
"Your mother is dead, Tamara. You belong to us now."
"No! I want my mommy!" The man slapped her in the face, startling her into silence.
"You will not utter a word unless spoken to. And you will cease your crying this instant." The child obeyed, having become quite afraid. "That's more like it. Now, you will come with us without fuss, or else we'll be forced to punish you. Do you understand?" Tamara nodded. "Good. Let's go."
The men took the girl outside to the backseat of their car, and locked her inside. Then they got in themselves and drove away. Tamara stared out the back of the car, watching her home as it grew smaller and smaller.
"Turn around and put your seatbelt on!" one of the men ordered, and reluctantly Tamara obeyed. "You won't ever be returning to that house again. You belong to us now. Don't ever forget that. You belong to us... and always will."
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Canary word: Present
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125,013 Literary Works • 672,842 Reviews
I just had an idea. What if I start a bit earlier, like inside the house when Donna and Tamara are doing something fun together, like... I don't know... baking cookies or something. And THEN the doorbell rings.
Well, I can't suggest how to start something like this. It's your story, it's your style. My only warning was to stay away from cliches and to take a more literary, character oriented approach to this story. Take more time with this baby. I know you want to get the story moving and dig into the good stuff, but the reader isn't on the same plane as you. You're already sucked into the story. A reader isn't. Your job is to paint a realistic world for your audience. Spend some more time fleshing out this prologue.
Also, I didn't mean "special powers" as in flying or x-ray vision, but as in breaking-and-entering or lock-picking or safe-cracking.
Cheers, anyway.
-Kylan
Okay. How do you suggest I start it? I mean, its supposed to be everything is all peaceful and then bam something bad happens. And no, Tamara doesn't have special abilities, it's not sci-fi. If you read Ch1 you'll understand more of what's going on. Anyway, I can see your point about the first paragraph, should I just delete it?
And I'll try not to use the pre setting next time, I just joined today, so I'm still figuring stuff out. At least read Ch1 and see what you think.
Your first paragraph is incredibly cliche. It does nothing to hook the reader, it does nothing to pique my interest. Bright sunny day in the middle of the summer. Blah. You're a writer for goodness sake! Utilize your talents! Describe, use similes and metaphors, characterize! Make my mouth water with your style. This being a prologue beside the point, use the first several paragraphs to first describe your characters and then your setting and then your story. That's the hierarchy. Characters first, description second, story third. You have no story (of which this piece is mainly structured by) without those first two elements.
Seccondly, I would avoid using the "Pre" setting. It hurts my eyes. Block formating is so much more reader friendly.
So yeah. Overall slightly cliche. There must be thousands of stories that start out this way. In chapter one, let me guess, young Tamara will be several years older and will have special abilities or some such talent that the mysterious men who spirited her away as a child have taught her. Yeah, I've heard that rap a thousand times. Shoot for original, my friend. A reader doesn't care about this dime store stuff. I know you can do better.
I hope you enjoy YWS. See you around.
-Kylan
Whoa... awesome!
I don't agree that it was bland.. In fact, it was awesome! It grabbed my by surprise, and it really makes you wonder what the heck is going on. Great job!
The only thing that was a teeny weenie bit unrealistic was when the bad guy told the girl to shut up and she did. Shouldn't she be trying to fight back? I mean, she couldn't do anything, but for her to show a little resistance would be good.
Other than that, this is awesome! PM me when you post (as jonny said) numero uno.
BBB
Ok. It's a good prologue, if a little on the short side. The first paragraph seemed a little cheesy to me. I'm not sure how to explain it, but it's a little too much for one paragraph. Other, than that, It's fine, if a little bland. I'll be looking out for chapter uno!