Electric Current p.1-12

by kshsj777

Published October 22, 2007

*NOTE: IF THIS IS TOO LONG, JUST READ PART OF IT AND LET ME KNOW WHAT YOU THINK. IF YOU CAN THINK OF A BETTER TITLE FOR THIS, LET ME KNOW

FADE IN:

EXT. ELECTRICAL POWER PLANT - NIGHT

ALLISON MCGRAFF, fifteen years old, is dressed in dark sweatpants with her auburn hair coiled tightly underneath a woolen hat. She is creeps slowly along the chain fence towards the gate with a flashlight in her hand.

ALLISON

This is stupid. Using electricity to get some.

Still holding the flashlight in her right hand, Allison slowly extends her left hand towards the lock. A small amount of electricity fizzles out of her fingertips towards the padlock, and it slides open, allowing her to enter inside. Allison performs the same technique on the lock on the side door of the power plant and closes the door behind her.

INT. ELECTRICAL POWER PLANT - NIGHT

Allison meanders around the heavy machinery in search of something. Finding two loose wires in a corner, she sets down the flashlight and takes the wires in her fingers.

Holding one in each hand, she presses the tips against her shoulders. Electricity immediately flows all throughout her body. But instead of recoiling in pain, Allison remains perfectly still as her body absorbs, evens devours, the electric current. After a few moments, she pulls the cords away and tucks them back in their proper place.

EXT. ELECTRICAL POWER PLANT -- CONTINUOUS

DR ROBINSON, in his forties, hurries along the electrical plant fence toward the gate where Allison entered, a baseball ball bat clutched in his hand.

INT. ELECTRICAL POWER PLANT -- CONTINUOUS

As Allison emerges from the building, she sees Dr. Robinson walking toward her. She runs through the gate.

DR. ROBINSON

Hey! What are you doing here?

Dr. Robinson sprints after her.

But Allison doesn’t bother to stop. She bursts from the building and sprints away out of sight.

INT. MCGRAFFS’ HOUSE, ALLISON’S BEDROOM - NIGHT

Once home, Allison peels off her outfit covering her pajamas, and after stowing it away in the bottom drawer of her dresser, Allison tumbles into bed.

An image flashes in her mind of the flashlight she had forgotten behind.

ALLISON

Oh well. It can’t be helped.

EXT. DIRT ROAD – DAY

Allison pedals on her twelve-speed light blue bike down the dirt road to her house in the country. Her hair, neatly done in a French braid, blows around in the gentle wind.

Allison enters her house and after setting her backpack down in the hall, she gives her mother, EDNA MCGRAFF, a hug.

EDNA

Hey, honey. How was school?

ALLISON

It was okay. I'm heading over to Doc's. Bye.

Allison leaves.

INT. DR. ROBINSON’S BARN – DAY

Allison bounds inside the barn where her neighbor, Dr. Robinson, is forking some hay to the loft.

ALLISON

Afternoon, Doc. What are we doing today?

He looks up, noticing her and beams.

DR. ROBINSON

My, you sure are quite perked up this afternoon.

Something good happen at school?

ALLISON

Yeah. It’s over for the weekend.

Dr. Robinson chuckles.

DR. ROBINSON

You wanna help me with the horses?

ALLISON

You bet. Is something wrong, Doc?

DR. ROBINSON

Oh. Nothin’ a fifteen-year-old should worry much about.

ALLISON

Come on, Doc, please. I’m gonna be sixteen in a few months and then I can drive.

DR. ROBINSON

You already drive me crazy, Al. Well, I suppose it wouldn’t hurt ya none. Ya see, somebody’s been comin’ in nearly once a week and takin’ some of the electricity from the plant. What I canna figure out is how or why. I offer decent prices an’ I don’t know why anybody need more than they got.

ALLISON

Maybe they’re scared.

DR. ROBINSON

Scared? How’d you come up with that? There’s nothing to be scared of.

ALLISON

I dunno. (She shrugs her shoulders.) Maybe you should put a better lock on the gate?

DR. ROBINSON

Well locks don’t seem to be a problem for him. Now don’t worry your little about it, Al.

ALLISON

Okay. Can we do the horses now?

DR. ROBISON

Sure.

INT. MCGRAFFS’ HOUSE, LIVING ROOM – DAY

Edna is thumbing through the mail from yesterday. Most of them are bills from various companies. Then Edna reaching the last envelope.

It has Frank Steel written on the top left hand corner. Her hands trembling with a mix of excitement and dread, she opens it.

A minute later, Allison skips down the stairs passing the living room where her mother is sitting.

ALLISON

Goin’ to the Robinson’s, Mama.

EDNA

Just a second, honey. I know it’s Saturday, but… we’re having company over for dinner.

ALLISON

Company? What’s goin’ on?

EDNA

You father is coming to visit.

ALLISON

My father? But you told me he went off and abandoned us.

She nodded and sighed.

EDNA

He did.

ALLISON

Then why’s he coming back all of the sudden?

EDNA

It’s complicated, Allie. I suppose it’s ’cause you’re nearly a grown woman and he figures he outta see what’s become of you.

ALLISON

Well tell him I’m busy, then. If he didn’t have time for us before, why should I have time for him now?

EDNA

Allie! That’s no way to act. Don’t you remember what the Bible says? (Then her face softens) Look, I'm not too happy about him coming either, but he is and that's the way things are.

ALLISON

(sighing)

I know we’re supposed to be nice to everybody, but why couldn’t he stick around and take care of us like he should?

EDNA

Not everybody listens to the Bible or does what it says, Allie. I wish everybody would, but they don't. Now you can go ahead to the farm, but be back here by five, okay?

She reaches for her daughter and squeezes her tightly. After embracing for a moment, Edna releases her.

ALLISON

Okay, Mama. But don’t expect me to like him.

EDNA

You don’t have to like him. Just love him.

ALLISON

Yeah.

Allison grabs her jacket and exits out the front door.

INT. MCGRAFFS’ HOUSE, DINING ROOM – EVENING

Allison is sitting at the table when a car pulls up into the driveway and a middle-aged man, FRANK steps out. Edna quickly puts the last of the dishes in place, and opens the door to let him in. They stare at each other uncomfortably, but then Edna manages to greet him.

EDNA

Frank. It’s nice to see you.

FRANK

You, too, Edna.

EDNA

Come in; make yourself comfortable.

Franks hangs up his coat and hat on the rack and seats himself across from Allison. He tries his best not to make eye contact with his ex-wife, and instead focuses on his daughter.

FRANK

So this is…?

ALLISON

(annoyed)

Allison.

FRANK

Yes. Yes, Allison. And you’re… how old?

ALLISON

Fifteen.

FRANK

Ah. Well, I uh… I’m sorry. I’m really sorry, Allison. I should have known these things. I just…

ALLISON

It’s okay.

FRANK

No, it’s not. Look… I…

Frank gives up, and picks up his fork to dig in. Allison glances at her mother, waiting. Edna just stares at her plate, her lips forming a thin line.

EDNA

You don't pray anymore, Frank?

Frank sighed, looks at Allison and puts down his fork.

FRANK

All right, then.

They bow their heads and fold their hands.

EDNA

(praying)

Dear Lord, thank you for this food You’ve provided us. In the Name of Jesus, Amen.

ALLISON & FRANK

Amen.

They begin eating roasted chicken, potatoes with gravy, and corn.

FRANK

(to Edna)

I came here for a specific reason. I’d like to take Allison with me, just for the summer.

ALLISON

Why?

Frank reaches over and touches her hand, allowing electricity to pass through. He notices that she doesn’t react like she’s been shocked.

FRANK

I’m sorry, Allison, that I wasn’t there for you as a father. I got so caught up in my work that before I knew it, years had passed.

ALLISON (V.O.)

Was that me… or him?

They eat in silence for a few moments.

EDNA

I made up the spare bedroom for you, Frank.

FRANK

Thank you. I... I appreciate it.

ALLISON

Wait a minute? Who said anything about staying the night?

EDNA

He asked me, too. In his letter.

ALLISON

Why? I don't want him, here.

EDNA

Allie.

ALLISON

You don't want him here either, but you're too goody-goody to say anything.

EDNA

Allison! Go to your room!

ALLISON

Fine! I will. (She turns to her father) And I hope you're gone in the morning.

INT. MCGRAFFS’ HOUSE, HALLWAY – NIGHT

Allison gets up and comes out of her bedroom into the hallway.

FRANK

Does your mother know?

Allison spins around to find her father leaning against the wall, still dressed in his business suit

ALLISON

What do you mean?

FRANK

You know what I mean.

A beam of electricity passes from Frank’s right hand to his left. Allison sighs and nods.

ALLISON

Sort of. She knows I don’t get hurt if I get shocked, but she has no idea I need to absorb electricity.

FRANK

Then how have you survived all this time, if she doesn’t know?

ALLISON

There’s a power plant here.

FRANK

And you go there.

ALLISON

Yeah. At night, alone. I went Thursday night, so I’m fine.

FRANK

You don’t need to go everyday?

ALLISON

No. I only go once a week.

FRANK

Can you show me? The power plant?

ALLISON

You need it? (Frank nods.) Okay, I’ll be right back.

Allison returns a few moments later in her outfit.

ALLISON

We have to be careful. We can’t let Dr. Robinson catch us. He owns the plant and he’s our next door neighbor.

FRANK

Lead the way.

They sneak into the power plant.

INT. ELECTRICAL POWER PLANT – NIGHT

Allison shows her father the wires, and he proceeds to take some electricity. While it is flowing into his body, they start talking while Allison keeps her eye on the gauge.

FRANK

So will you come with me for the summer?

ALLISON

You got enough electricity for both of us?

FRANK

Plenty. So you are addicted, aren’t you?

ALLISON

Addicted? What are you talking about?

FRANK

I mean our relentless craving; the fact that we’ll die if we don’t absorb some. That would qualify as an addiction, wouldn’t it?

ALLISON

Are there others like us?

FRANK

No. Not that I know of… I’ve got a mansion; nobody would notice a few extra volts.

ALLISON

I don’t know. What about Mama? She’d miss me.

FRANK

It’s just for the summer. Come on, Allison. I know your secret; I share it.

Allison bends down to retrieve the flashlight she had left behind, and holds it in her hand.

ALLISON

Well what’s so important that you show up now? I’m not exactly buying the whole I-want-to-be-a-good-father-now routine.

FRANK

But it’s true. I do. I know its sounds lousy, but it’s true.

ALLISON

It’ll take a lot more than talk to convince me. Now haven’t you taken enough? You’re making me nervous.

FRANK

You don’t need this much electricity?

ALLISON

No.

FRANK

How’s your retention and output?

ALLISON

What?

FRANK

I mean… (He removes the wires and puts them away.) How long can you hold the electricity in your body, how much can you hold, and how much can you ‘shoot’ out?

ALLISON

Oh. Well show me what you can do first.

Frank scans the room for a moment with his own flashlight they had bought on this trip. He sets it down carefully on the ground, still lit.

FRANK

Watch this.

He stretches out his hand and a large bolt of electricity shoots out into a piece of metal, briefly illumining a large area of the room before it’s absorbed.

ALLISON

(slightly impressed)

Cool.

FRANK

Now your turn.

Allison also extends her arm, and attempts to repeat what her father did seconds earlier. This time, less electricity comes from her fingertips and it doesn’t light the room up as much.

FRANK

Not bad. But I’m guessing that’s ’cause you only got half my DNA anyways.

ALLISON

But I need a lot less than you do.

FRANK

True.

ALLISON

We better get back. I don’t want Dr. Robinson to catch us. Next time, don’t take so much… unless you have to… I wouldn’t want’cha to die, but…

FRANK

Let’s go.

They leave the power plant and sneak back into the McGraffs’ house without incident.

INT. MCGRAFF’S KITCHEN – DAY

Edna is washing dishes after breakfast while Allison comes into the house after morning chores at the Robinson’s farm.

ALLISON

I want to go with him, Mom.

EDNA

What?

ALLISON

I want to go with Dad for the summer.

EDNA

Now wait a minute. Last night you couldn’t stand the thought of him, and now you want to go live with for three months? What’s going on?

ALLISON

I just… I need to give him a chance. He is my dad, you know.

EDNA

All right. Be sure to tell Dr. Robinson.

ALLISON

I already did.

EDNA

Is there something you’re not telling me?

ALLISON

I dunno. Maybe. I don’t wanna scare you, that’s all.

EDNA

Scare me? All right, spit it out, young lady.

ALLISON

You know that I can’t get hurt by electricity, right? Well… there’s more. My body absorbs it, needs it, to live.

EDNA

Are you telling me that if you don’t shock yourself, you’ll die? (Realization comes over her face.) You’re the one. The one who’s been taking Dr. Robinson’s electricity.

At this, Allison squirms uncomfortably.

ALLISON

Yeah. But I needed it, Mom.

EDNA

That doesn’t mean you can be a thief!

ALLISON

Why do you think I work on Doc’s farm all the time? It’s my way of paying him back. Every hour I work for him, I pay off the amount that would be spent using the electricity.

EDNA

That doesn’t mean you can go around stealing!

ALLISON

What would have me do? Tell him that I can shoot bolts of electricity from my fingers and that I must absorb it or die?

EDNA

Shoot bolts of electricity?!

Allison proceeds to zap the metal pot on the stove, causing Edna to jump back a step.

EDNA

Allison… How…?

ALLISON

It’s Dad. He can do it, too, only much more than I can. We have a connection. And besides, if I go, I won’t be taking any of Doc’s electricity, ‘cause I’ll be using Dad’s.

EDNA

Well… I don’t know what to say about all this. I…

ALLISON

Can I go with Dad?

EDNA

If you want.

INT. MCGRAFFS’ HOUSE, ALLISON’S BEDROOM – DAY

Allison is packing her clothes inside the suitcase, when her father knocks on her door.

FRANK

You ready, Allison?

ALLISON

Just a minute.

INT. MCGRAFFS’ HOUSE, HALLWAY – DAY

Allison opens the door with her suitcase in hand.

INT. MCGRAFFS’ HOUSE, LIVING ROOM – DAY

Edna sits in one of the dining room chairs, staring out the large window in front of the house. Frank and Allison come bounding down the stairs.

ALLISON

We’re ready, Mom.

Allison sets down her suitcase, and Edna holds her arms out to her daughter, and they hug.

ALLISON

Love you, Mom.

EDNA

Love you, too, honey.

They pull back and Edna looks back and forth between the two of them.

EDNA

You be careful. Both of you.

As Frank and Allison head towards the front door, the doorbell rings. She opens the door to find Dr. Robinson on the other side.

EXT. MCGRAFF’S HOUSE – DAY

ALLISON

Doc!

DR. ROBINSON

Allie! I came to say goodbye.

ALLISON

This is my dad, Frank. Dad, this is Dr. Robinson.

The two men shake hands.

FRANK

Nice to meet you.

DR. ROBINSON

You, too. (to Allison) Well, Allie, I’m gonna miss you. You’ve sure been a good help to me.

Allison hugs the doctor very tightly.

ALLISON

(whispering)

I’m sorry.

DR. ROBINSON

Oh! You don’t have nothing to be sorry about, Allie! Nothing wrong with visiting your pa.

ALLISON

That’s not what I meant.

She lets go of him, and retrieves her suitcase. The doctor nods once towards Frank in acknowledgement, walks back over to his property. Frank and Allison pile into Frank’s car, and head out of town.

Comments & reviews · 5
User avatar
kshsj777
Comment
kshsj777 commented Comment · Nov 28, 2007

Okay, I'll try to work on the dialogue. Thanks for the critique! Just so you guys know, I'm hearing impaired, so it's more difficult for me to write realistic dialogue.

User avatar
smorgishborg
Review
smorgishborg wrote a review Review · Nov 25, 2007

Very interesting premise... Interesting indeed.

I agree with Cade's comments on the dialouge. I'll add that I didn't like how certain characters acted to extraordinary events. e.g.
+ Alison doesn't seem to react when she learns that her father is coming back. This is a big mistake, so I have to mention it again.
+ Alison seems unsurprised when her father speaks to her as she sneaks out of her room. She should be nonplussed to say the least.
+ And Edna should be absolutely horrified when she figures out what power her daughter has. Stealing from the doc. ought to be the last thing they talk about.*
+ Edna seems to not put up much of a fight when Allison decides to stay with her father. I realize she may be a little disturbed by the information she just recieved but I think she would fight a little harder to keep her daughter. This is not a man she holds in high regard.

But I promise I'll read the second installment, and I look forward to future episodes. This idea has promise!

*My idea: Have Alllison recount the first time she knew she needed electricity to live.

User avatar
kshsj777
Comment
kshsj777 commented Comment · Nov 25, 2007

Thank you for the critique. I had posted this on another site and gotten similar comments about the dialogue. I will put in the changes I made there, and hopefully it will be a bit more realistic.

User avatar
Cade
Review
Cade wrote a review Review · Nov 25, 2007

This is a very interesting beginning. At first I was confused--I didn't know what you meant when you talked about her body taking in the electricity, and then I was like...oh...just like that...well that's different.

Your main problem is making the dialogue realistic. There are a few instances when important things happen but the characters don't react as I thought they would:

EDNA
You father is coming to visit.

ALLISON
My father? But you told me he went off and abandoned us.

EDNA
He did.
Allison's response is very matter-of-fact. It's almost like her mother said, "We're having potato salad with dinner," not "Your father, who abandoned us when you were little, is randomly coming to dinner tonight, and I found this out from a letter, incidentally."

FRANK
Plenty. So you are addicted, aren’t you?

ALLISON
Addicted? What are you talking about?

FRANK
I mean our relentless craving; the fact that we’ll die if we don’t absorb some. That would qualify as an addiction, wouldn’t it?
This really threw me off, especially Allison's line in the above excerpt. It would be better if she just said, "Addicted?" or better yet, "Huh?"
Frank's last line in the excerpt is strange too...I actually think you could cut it out entirely. It's not really necessary to the piece; I think we understand that they need it to live, after all.

ALLISON
You know that I can’t get hurt by electricity, right? Well… there’s more. My body absorbs it, needs it, to live.

EDNA
Are you telling me that if you don’t shock yourself, you’ll die? (Realization comes over her face.) You’re the one. The one who’s been taking Dr. Robinson’s electricity.
Again, it's a little too matter-of-fact to be believable. This is a big thing for Allison to be telling her mother. It's like a superpower; a pretty big thing to reveal, no? And her mom's just like, "Oh, so you're the one stealing from the power plant?" Spice it up a little. Put in a really good reaction. Or just take it out entirely; maybe Allison doesn't have to explain it to her mom. Would make the story juicier, wouldn't it?

Other than that, you did a decent job on the dialogue. I think you did a good job of setting the characters apart just by the way they speak. That's very important.

I think there are a lot of things you could take out in here. Remember that your viewer (this is a screenplay, huh?) has a very short attention span. If it isn't completely necessary, don't put it in. Also have more things shown by actions; they do speak louder than words!

Also, proofread. I noticed a few instances where names were misspelled or words were missing, etc. Or have a friend look it over on paper for you; other people can usually get mistakes you won't find in your own writing if they're looking over a paper with a red pen in hand.

Keep at it!
-Colleen



That awkward moment when you jump out a window because your friend jumped out a window, then you remember that your other friend can fly.
— Rick Riordan, The Ship of the Dead