It all started when you left me,
The storm began to churn.
My emotions faded,
As my soul began to burn.
Now as the clouds roll in,
I feel so dry and empty inside,
As the darkness seeps out,
From the places I've tried to hide.
This storm beneath my shell of lies,
Will always burn within me.
It brings about all the dark secrets,
I've kept under lock and key.
The dark side of me is coming out,
And while it seems you might have won;
My heart writhes in pain,
And the storm rages on.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Thanks everyone, for the great advice! I edited it, and I hope you find this version a little better? I know I did. You're the best.
Hi
First of all, this is really great! I like it a lot! One thing:
The first line has too many syllables and is awkward compared to the rest of the poem which flows so smoothly.
This may just be me, but I would definitely prefer it if it weren't bold. I realize that you want it to stand out, but it does that for itself. Making it bold just makes it hard on the readers' eyes.
I really liked this:
I love the shell of lives. Nice and dark and classy!
Great job with this!
Sarebear
Hello
Yep, you delivered here girl. This is some great stuff. You did a good job at keeping the poem dark and stormy like I expected which is why I am impressed.
This part right here, I nearly jumped out of my chair. You nailed it over here. It is vengence with style. Good!
I like how you connect what the narrater is feeling to a storm. It is a good way to explain what the person is feeling. I say this to a lot of people; if you are going to capitalize the first word in the line, do that in every line or don't do it at all. It would look better and more complete that way! I love the poem! Keep writing! PM me if you have anything for me to review!
-KAH