I see your green eyes, every time I close mine.
You make it hard to breathe.
Your warmth is like the sunshine,
it radiates through me.
When I'm around you I believe,
everything will turn out right.
Without you I can't sleep,
I toss and turn, and cry at night.
but I never told you,
that I feel this way.
and my dreams won't come true,
if you don't stay.
but I hope one day you'll see me,
hidden among the crowd.
and Admire my love for you,
which speaks so LOUD.♥
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125,014 Literary Works • 672,845 Reviews
Hello
I think this is a cute poem. It is actually really good. The emotions are true as the words are. I mean these are issues that affect us a lot and this is a good adaptation of it. The problem I have is that it is a bit ordinary for me. I feel like it is something I read about every single day and there is nothing different that catches my attention. 'Safe', that is the word I am looking for. But away from all that, your writing style is pretty good. I like how you were able to throw all your feelings in there well, and then at then in the end conclude it like you did.
...but, I am not really fond of the last bit. I know the name of the poem is loud, but It just doesn't fit. Maybe in the last line you can come up with something else other than 'speaks'. Or just completely change the line and be able to squeeze in 'loud' so that it can sort of roll off the tongue. I am sorry that I can't think of anything right now that could help. I hope I am helping though hey. Good job though on the entire thing. I like your style.
May I just suggest that you don't type your poem in neon pink? It makes it rather hard to concentrate.
The poem itself is very sweet. I'm sure whomever it's directed too would think so too.
I would, however, try to add in a bit more of creative elements to it. Something out of the ordinary, a metaphor perhaps, that you don't see too often. Just to make your poem stand out from the twenty-two million other love poems in the world.
Keep writing.
Thanks for the advice.
that helped alot(:
My problem with this is that there are a lot of lines in here that I've heard a thousand times before. It just makes the whole thing sound kind of cliche, although I know that's hard to avoid in any romance/love writing. Still, I think you should work on finding ways to add more originality. Try to find things that haven't been said so many times before; find words that are more your own.