Young Writers Society

Home » Literary works » Short Story » Romantic

E - Everyone

do you promise?

by krisms


“That’ll be us one day.”

“What will?” I ask her. I open my eyes and remove my head from the place between her shoulder and her neck; the place where I fit so perfectly. When I look at her, she’s smiling. Her smile is unlike anything I’ve ever seen before. It’s contagious, and I find myself smiling, too, despite still having no clue what she’s talking about.

“Over there.” She points to a mother, a father, and their two children. They’re walking by a large water fountain when all of a sudden, they stop. The father lifts his first child, places him on the edge of the fountain, and, handing him a penny, introduces him to the concept of wish-making. The mother watches them in both amusement and adoration as she holds their newborn daughter. They are a family beaming with joy. Even from where we are, sitting on an old wooden bench on the far side of the park, we could see that they are filled with nothing but love for each other and for what they share.

The next thing I know, she kisses the side of my head, because she knows that I am watching that family in awe and with desire. She knows that as I watch that family, I am imagining me and her instead. She knows that I am thinking of us and of what our future may hold.

I grab her hand, dancing my fingertips on top of hers, nervous to ask a question that holds too much. A question that scares me.

“Do you promise?” I finally ask her. She looks into my eyes with such intensity that I begin to hear my heart pounding inside my chest as I struggle to hold her gaze. The air feels thick with my words, and I start to get breathless waiting for her answer. But somehow she knows this, too, as she then places her hand ever so gently on my chest and grins.

“I promise.”

~~

“It’s a shame, isn’t it?”

I’m shaken out of my reverie when the woman standing beside me attempts to start a conversation.

“It is,” I reply quietly as we both observe the two construction workers who have been demolishing what was once a beautiful three-tiered water fountain.

“I used to come to this park every weekend with my kids, and they would make the most ridiculous wishes,” she explains, a hint of laughter in her voice. I remain silent, though the mildly intrigued expression on my face prompts her to continue. “It’s a little sad knowing that our little tradition has to come to an end.”

After a brief moment of silence from the both of us, I decide to speak. “Look at it as a chance to find something new.” The corners of my mouth rise as I give the woman a small smile. She smiles back at me, nods, and begins her walk toward the tall office buildings across the street at the other side of the park.

I stay in my spot for a little while longer, breathing in the crisp air of winter. It’s beautiful, I think to myself. But soon enough, the smell of coffee draws me toward my destination and away from the sight of the wooden bench where initials were carved and empty promises were made.


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
55 Reviews


Points: 6
Reviews: 55

Donate
Mon Jul 19, 2021 8:15 pm
Rosewood wrote a review...



Hey, Rosewood here! 🌹

I'm just stopping by for a quick review. But first, I would like to start off by saying how much I enjoyed this. I really like the main character's approach to life and the way they quietly accept life. At least, that's the way I interpreted it.

“Over there.” She points to a mother, a father, and their two children. They’re walking by a large water fountain when all of a sudden, they stop.


Nothing big, but I would add 'and,' after "fountain".

“I promise.”

~~

“It’s a shame, isn’t it?”


I know that you used this to show that time had passed, but I wanted to point out something I had noticed. Whether you intended it or not, I think it's actually quite clever how you insinuated that the promise had been broken before the reveal- foreshadowing basically.

“I used to come to this park every weekend with my kids, and they would make the most ridiculous wishes,” she explains, a hint of laughter in her voice. I remain silent, though the mildly intrigued expression on my face prompts her to continue. “It’s a little sad knowing that our little tradition has to come to an end.”


Again, I know I'm probably stating the obvious, but another reflection of the broken promise. This new person's feelings on the experience sum up the change- oblivious to the real meaning she, as a character, portrays.

In conclusion, I like how much you brought to this piece in such few words. And I hope to read more of your work in the future. Good luck and as always...

Keep writing!




User avatar
123 Reviews


Points: 9450
Reviews: 123

Donate
Fri Jul 16, 2021 5:14 am
View Likes
FireEyes wrote a review...



Hello krisms! Incoming review!

I really like this piece you made. I feel like it is a great transition from the past to the present. And I can feel the emotions you are conveying quite well! Now let me speak some critiques.

The only thing I find that jumps out at me is this

“It is,” I reply quietly as we both observe the two construction workers who have been demolishing what was once a beautiful three-tiered water fountain.
It could get a little confusing with saying "we" in here. We have not yet had the stronger hints to tell us the narrator and his girlfriend are no longer together. Perhaps you could set the woman behind the narrator and re-word the sentence like this, "I reply quietly as she came up beside me to observe..." I think this gives more clarity to the grounding of the people and makes it a little less confusing.

But now let me praise your wonderful work! I'm a sucker for romance that doesn't end up. And it's especially touching when it is presented in such a realistic way. You excelled at that! It echoes real life so well that it haunted me a little when i finished reading. But in a good way! <3 It took me a little bit to realize that the woman our narrator is talking to, was the woman he looked at from afar with his girlfriend. And from personal experience, the world is small, so this could absolutely happen.

But soon enough, the smell of coffee draws me toward my destination and away from the sight of the wooden bench where initials were carved and empty promises were made.
I think this is a great ending line for your story. It sends across that the narrator has moved on, but a part of him is still broken from the broken and empty promise. It really touches me!

I also love your use of dialogue. It speaks mountains without having too much be there. It reads as a real conversation you saw and it was executed very well!

But that's all I have for today! I hope you found some of it useful! I think the difference between the past and present brought more to the story than if the present came first and then a past explanation. Keep on writing! Anyway byeeeeeeeeeeee<33




User avatar


Points: 250
Reviews: 1

Donate
Fri Jul 16, 2021 4:05 am
View Likes
noctifer wrote a review...



Hi, I'm Noctifer, dropping off a quick review.

Truthfully, I can't find any grammatical flaws, other than in in the last sentence of the third paragraph; it's written in present tense, but it says "we could see" rather than "we can see." That's all that I noticed, however.

You packed quite a lot into a rather short amount of words, from the promise to the realization that it would never be fulfilled. The last sentence wrapped the short story off nicely whilst leaving the reader wanting to reread it again.

This is a wonderful piece, and I look forward to reading more of your writing!





I know history. There are many names in history, but none of them are ours.
— Richard Siken