Vermillion Tide - Prologue & Chapter 1

I agree with shadowbox, My own sentence structure is terrible so I tend to over look that, but my biggest problem when I read something is having the characters name used over and over and over and over. It's like your story was saying "Look at me! Me, me, me, me, me!" instead of focusing on the story I found myself counting the number of times the name dan is mentioned, and how many more times I would have to read it. Other than that I'd follow the experts advice. Great story Btw.

I have to agree with Lena, Dan seems really nervous for his supposed age of 17; perhaps you could lower the age of Dan a bit? I feel that 17 is a bit too old for an apprenticeship; maybe you could make him a timid 14 year old?

I see that you have already written more chapters following, so if my suggestions become unreasonable, I apologize.

Asides from that and the grammatical issues pointed out earlier by other users, I thought it was a good read; it kept me reading, instead of just glancing.

You have a gift for description to be admired, but I fear you use the name Dan far to often. I know it is easy to feel you are using the word 'he' to much, but same goes for the proper. In using his name so frequently, especially so in the beginning, it gives it a childish air, where repeating words is encouraged. I will say that you do third person writing with extraordinary skill, however, and I have very little qualms with this piece. In fact, I must read more.

It was Morning in the city of Derc, and the dim light that had begun to climb over the looming mountains[s];[/s] bathed the city in a mellow gold. Only the city's' old quarter was still in darkness, save for sparse pin-pricks of light that broke through the canopy of the masonry above. [s]Down in the old quarter of the city of Derc,[/s] the poor and destitute reside in the old quarter- hidden away from the wealth of the new city above[s], by pristine plateau and bridges[/s]. [s] remember to keep your passive voice to a minimum, and phrases after semi-colons must be able to stand on their own. 'Bathed the city in a mellow gold' is not a full sentence because is lacks a subject[/i]

It had been this way[s],[/s] ever since the small kingdom of Dercia began it[s]'[/s]s quest for empire. Ashamed of their nation's[s]'[/s] humble beginnings[s];[/s] the senate brushed their old culture aside, and renamed it "the loe-town.[/color" loe[s], being[/s] [color=red]mean dirty in old Dercian[s] for dirty[/s]. again, the phrase on each side of a semi colon must be a full sentence. 'Ashamed of their nation's humble beginnings' is not a full sentence

[s]Slowly, [/s]over time more [s]and more [/s]laws were passed to restrict the movement of the poor within the city[s].[/s], Until [s]the[/s] loe-town was completely sealed by walls and armed guards [s]and walls[s/]. Until the loe-town was completely sealed by armed guards and walls is, again, not a full sentence

[s]But[/s]Somewhere there is a Dercian saying:"The wind of change will find a way, and the loe will have their day". never start a sentence with 'but'

Chapter one.

The Loe-town had just begun to wake[s],[/s]. [s]as[/s] vendors and traders readied their wares.

One by one lanterns in the windows of homes that lined the streets[s],[/s] popped into brilliance - flooding the allies [s]and ways [/s]in a patch-work of colour.

Dan Kevalis[s],[/s] started his journey through the meandering streets of the Loe-town. Today he was seventeen[s],[/s] and he could begin his first day as an apprentice - his uncle [s]had[/s] pulled a few strings to get the local blacksmith to take him [s]o[/s]in. Dan had no interest in becoming a blacksmith. Most folk down in the Loe-town could only afford practical tools, but if he was a good enough smith[s];[/s], he might have the chance of moving up to the new city. you are using commas in areas where the sentence should be left free, and you are using semi-colons where there should be commas

That was what made Dan so enthusiastic.

However the position was not guaranteed[s], knowing this -[/s]. he stopped at a window that was still darkened by [s]the[/s] curtains on the other side. Dan licked his hand and wiped it over his hair, sweeping it to one side. ',knowing this -' and 'he stopped at a window that was...' have no connection. they don't need that little line thingy

Looking at his reflection[s],[/s] in the slightly warped glass[s];[/s], Dan saw a young, fair skinned man[s],[/s] with rich blond[s]e[/s] hair. Dan knew he had fine facial features, but the glass distorted his reflection. He was of an average height[s],[/s] and slim but had broad shoulders for his age. one of the best tips I've learned about creating your characters is to NOT make them pretty. It gets sort of boring and not very realistic. How likely is it that the person who goes through all of these amazing adventures is also the one guy in loe-town that is incredibly handsome?

[s]Satisfied that he looked somewhat tidy, [/s]he quickly straightened his shirt out and tidied the rolls in his sleeves. [s]Before[/s] a face emerged on the other side of the window[s],[/s] as the curtains were drawn apart. Startled, Dan jumped back and turned back into the street. 'before a face emerged on the otehr side of the window....' is NOT A FULL SENTENCE. and if he was satisfied with his appearance, why would he straighten his shirt more?

While Dan had been looking at his reflection, the street had started to become busy. [s]As[/s] stores opened, and women made for the public water fountains with buckets.

Dan cursed under his breath. He must be late now!

Breaking into a sprint, he navigated his way through the thickening crowds as quickly as he could.

Turning the corner, he arrived at "Crafts way"[s],[/s]. he searched the signs for an anvil, but [s]he[/s] could find none. Only a small sign that read "Griffin's works". Bingo, Dan thought to himself[s].[/s], Remembering the name of the smith.

Gingerly, Dan made his way over to the workshop. He stopped at the entrance, where steam was escaping from the door[s] hanging[/s]. try not to use adverbs. i think Stephen King said that they are a 'gateway to hell' or something because they are really bad for your writing.

"Hello? Is this Griffin's blacksmiths?" Dan said in a shaky voice as he opened[s]pulled[/s] the door [s]hanging aside[/s].

There was no answer, only the sound of the cracking embers in the fire, punctuated with the hiss of boiling water.

Dan ventured into the shop. It was dark, light [s]only[/s] only by the large fire in the [s]centre[/s] center of the room[s];[/s], which flickered, [s]-[/s] casting long shadows on the walls[s],[/s] and illuminating threatening looking tools.

going further into the shop, Dan found a small room at the side that was sparsely furnished with a simple bed and wardrobe.

"Like it?" A large, bear like paw landed on Dan's shoulder. Turning round, Dam saw a man more than six f[s]oo[/s]eet tall, with [s]long[/s] tussled black hair [s]tussled and unkempt[/s]. He was broad[s],[/s] and had powerful arms from years of working steel. Dan could not see much of the man's face, as he was turned away from the fire.

"I'm sorry Sir, I didn't mean to intrude. I came to be an apprentice for Griffin," Dan said hurriedly.

"[s] [/s]I know, and this is where you'll be staying - you'll be working long hours son. So you'll need a place to sleep," The man explained. remember your dialogue rules[/color]

A sudden feeling of excitement and relief swept over Dan. Firstly, he wasn't going to have his legs broken for trespassing, and secondly he had the job! Dan beamed at the man before him. [i]this is a little cheesy...

"Thank you sir! I promise[s],[/s] I'll work really hard and i won't let you down, and I'm a really hard worker..." Dan cut himself short, just as he [s]had[/s] started to ramble.

Griffin released a deafening laugh, as he stepped away from the room and back toward the fire. He Scooped up a bucket full of hot coals and retreated into the darkness at the back of the shop. Where, without a moment's break, the sharp chime of metal being shaped commenced.

"So what's your name, boy? You're Errin Kelavis' nephew, right?" Griffin asked[s].[/s], His words punctuated with grunts as he struck steel. your overusing the words punctuated and steel

"Dan. My name is Dan, and yes Errin's my uncle." Dan felt a little lost for words, he milled around the room[s];[/s] playing with the soot on a work bench.

A long silence passed, and the awkwardness grew. Dan had no idea of what he was expected to do, but didn't have the courage to interrupt Griffin while he was busy. Dan looked around the room for a chore that he could busy himself with. Spotting a broom, he seized it and began to sweep the metal filings and dieing embers into a corner.

"What are you doing there?"

"Sweeping," [s]R[/s]replied Dan nervously.

"Sweeping?[s]![/s]" Griffin gave out another roar of laughter. "Come over here and make yourself useful". Griffin seems a little to hearty and cheerful to make Dan so nervous

A wave of embarrassment and awkwardness swept over Dan. Throwing the broom into a corner, he hurried over to the anvil at the back of the shop. you're overusing awkward

As he passed the great fire in the middle of the room, an agoni[s]s[/s]zing [s]pang of[/s] pain seared through the left side of his body. The pain tore into his skin, biting at his flesh. Before he Dan could figure out what was wrong[s];[/s], he was on the cold ground looking up at Griffin, but the man's words were muted, and slowly everything faded to black.

Hey kris! Here's my crit key:
Red= My comments
Bold = Words I've inserted that I think work better
Let's do this thing!

kris wrote:Prologue


It was morning in the city of Derc, and the dim light that had begun to climb over the looming mountains; Take out this semilcolon bathed the city in a mellow gold. Love the description Only the city's' old quarter was still in darkness, save for sparse pin-pricks of light that broke through the canopy of the masonry above. [s]Down in the old quarter of the city of Derc,[/s] There the poor and destitute reside - hidden away from the wealth of the new city above, by pristine plateaus and bridges. Love your description.
It had been this way, Take out this comma ever since the small kingdom of Dercia began it's Take out the apostraphe on it's quest [s]for[/s] to become an empire. Ashamed of their nations' Apostrophe should be before the s in nations humble beginnings; Take out the semicolon and insert a comma instead the senate brushed their old culture aside, and renamed it "the loe-town". Loe was the old Dercian word for dirty. [s]being old Dercian for dirty. [/s]
Slowly, over time insert comma more and more laws were passed to restrict the movement of the poor within the city. Until the loe-town was completely sealed by armed guards and walls This last sentence was a fragment. I would reword it to say: Ultimatly, the loe town was completely sealed off by armed guards and towering walls .
But there is a Dercian saying:"The wind of change will find a way, and the loe will have their day" Always have parallelism (that's why i inserted the will) . I absolutley loved that ending line, just to let you know! It was overall, a beautiful prologue. I pointed out the grammatical problems, but it really was poetic


Chapter one.

The Loe-town had just begun to wake, take out the comma as vendors and traders readied their wares.
One by one lanterns in the windows of homes that lined the streets, popped into brilliance - flooding the allies and ways in a patch-work of colour.

Dan Kevalis, Strike the comma started his journey through the meandering streets of the Loe-town. Today he was seventeen, and he could begin his first day as an apprentice - his uncle had pulled a few strings to get the local blacksmith to take him on. Dan had no interest in becoming a blacksmith. Most folk down in the Loe-town could only afford practical tools, but if he was a good enough smith; he might have the chance of moving up to the new city. I'm a bit confused especially with the next line. The part where you say he has no interest in being a blacksmith, I don't feel any enthusiasm on his part. If you're trying to be sarcastic I would make that a bit clearer.
That was what made Dan so enthusiastic.

However the position was not guaranteed, knowing this - he stopped at a window that was still darkened by the curtains on the other side. Dan licked his hand and wiped it over his hair, sweeping it to one side.
Looking at his reflection, [s]in the slightly warped glass; [/s]Dan saw a young fair skinned man, with rich blonde hair. Dan knew he had fine facial features, but the warped glass distorted his features [s]reflection.[/s] He was of an average height, and slim but had broad shoulders for his age.

Satisfied that he looked somewhat tidy, he [s]quickly[/s] straightened his shirt out and find another word for tidied [s]tidied[/s] the rolls of [s]in[/s] his sleeves. [s]Before[/s] A face emerged on the other side of the window, as the curtains were drawn apart. Startled Insert comma Dan jumped back and turned back into the street.

[s]While Dan had been looking at his reflection, [/s] The street had started to become busy while he had been gratifying his vanity. [s]As [/s]stores opened, and women made for the public fountains with buckets.
Dan cursed under his breath. He must be late now!

Breaking into a sprint, he navigated his way through the thickening crowds as quickly as he could.
Turning the corner, he arrived at "Crafts way". He searched the signs for an anvil, but he could find none. Only a small sign that read "Griffin's works". Bingo Italics on the the bingo Dan thought to himself, remembering the name of the smith.
Gingerly, Dan made his way over to the workshop. Since he's late you should show us how he feels (nervous, guilty because he's late here. Show us that he hesitates more before going in He stopped at the entrance, where steam was escaping from the door hanging.

"Hello? Is this Griffin's blacksmiths?" Dan said in a shaky voice as he pulled the door hanging aside.
There was no answer, only the sound of the cracking embers in the fire, Take out this comma punctuated with the hiss of boiling water.
Dan ventured into the shop. It was dark, li[s]gh[/s]t only by the large fire in the centre of the room; Take out semicolon, insert comma which flickered - casting long shadows on the walls, and illuminating threatening looking tools.
Going further into the shop, Dan found a small room at the side that was sparsely furnished with a simple bed and wardrobe.

"Like it?" A large, bear-like paw landed on Dan's shoulder. Turning round, Dam saw a man more than six foot tall, with long black hair tussled and unkempt standing in front of him. He was broad, and had powerful arms from years of working steel. Dan could not see much of the man's face in the sparse light Okay, here you should be showing and instead you're telling. Watch out for that. Have Dan squint at the figure through the darkness. He could only see the vague outline of his face... or something like that , [s]as he was turned away from the fire[/s].

"I'm sorry Sir, I didn't mean to intrude. I came to be an apprentice for Griffin" Dan said hurriedly.
" I know, and this is where you'll be staying - you'll be working long hours son, so you'll need a place to sleep" The man explained.

[s]A sudden feeling of [/s] Excitement and relief swept over Dan. [s]Firstly he wasn't going to have his legs broken for trespassing, and secondly he had the job![/s] Too much telling in that sentence, your readers can discern why he's happy Dan beamed at the man before him.
"Thank you sir! I promise, I'll work really hard and I won't let you down, and I'm a really hard worker..." Dan cut himself short, just as he had started to ramble.

Griffin released a deafening laugh, Take out this comma as he stepped away from the room and back toward the fire. He scooped up a bucket full of hot coals and retreated into the darkness at the back of the shop. [s]Where, without a moment's break[/s] The sharp chime of metal being shaped by a heavy anvil commenced.
"So what's your name boy? [s]You're Errin Kelavis' nephew right[/s]?" Griffin asked. His words punctuated with grunts as he struck steel.

"Dan. My name is Dan, [s]and yes Errin's my uncle[/s]." Dan felt a little lost for words, he milled around the room; playing with the soot on a work bench.

A long silence passed, [s]and the awkwardness grew[/s]. Dan had no idea of what he was expected to do, but he didn't have the courage to interrupt Griffin while he was busy. Dan looked around the room for a chore that he could busy himself with. Spotting a broom, he seized it and began to sweep the metal filings and dieing embers into a corner.

"What are you doing there?"
"Sweeping" Replied Dan nervously.
"Sweeping?!" Griffin gave out another roar of laughter. "Come over here and make yourself useful".

A wave of embarrassment [s]and awkwardness [/s]swept over Dan. Throwing the broom into a corner, he hurried over to the anvil at the back of the shop.
As he passed the great fire in the middle of the room, an agonising pang of pain seared through the left side of his body. The pain tore into his skin, biting at his flesh. Before he [s]Dan [/s]could figure out what was wrong; he was on the cold ground looking up at Griffin, but the man's words were muted, and slowly everything faded to black.

Hello, I'm rubric and I'm honoured to be your reviewer today

Morning in the city of Derc, and the dim light that had begun to climb over the looming mountains; bathed the city in a mellow gold.

by pristine plateau and bridges.

:"The wind of change find a way, and the loe will have their day".

The Loe-town

One by one lanterns

the streets, popped

flooding the allies

guaranteed, knowing

and slim but had

Satisfied that he looked somewhat tidy, he quickly straightened his shirt out and tidied the rolls in his sleeves. Before a face emerged on the other side of the window, as the curtains were drawn apart. Startled Dan jumped back and turned back into the street.

the street had started to become busy

. As stores

Dan cursed under his breath. He must be late now!

"Crafts way",

Bingo Dan thought

blacksmiths

light only by the large fire in the centre of the room; which flickered

bear like paw

as he was turned away from the fire.

and i won't

deafening

Griffin released a deafening laugh, as he stepped away from the room and back toward the fire. Scooped up a bucket full of hot coals and retreated into the darkness at the back of the shop. Where, without a moment's break the sharp chime of metal being shaped commenced.
"So what's your name boy? You're Errin Kelavis' nephew right?" Griffin asked. His words punctuated with grunts as he struck steel.