Vermillion Tide - Chapter 2

Hey Kris! I saw you put up installment 2! Let's see what you got!

kris wrote:"Awake, Dan Kevalis...I have much to say. Awake" Boomed a voice from deep within, each word reverberating through Dan's skull like thunder. Okay, I had trouble with the second sentence. I think it should be reworded because it sounds awkward, but I don't know how to fix it.

White shapes rippled [s]into being[/s], [s]cutting[/s] through the thick blackness that shrouded his vision. Slowly Insert comma the shapes centred, and came into focus; revealing an old man dressed in white, surrounded by emptiness [s]standing as the sole existence within the surrounding emptiness[/s].

"Dan Kevalis. I have many things you need to hear, and precious little time to do it in." The man repeated, his body pulsing with light [s]with each beat[/s]. Show us how Dan feels about this. Is he freaked out???

Without even a second passing, the man moved closer toward Dan, his footsteps, leaving undulations in the abyss. As he grew closer, Dan could make out the features of his face. His face was riddled with deep furrows and creases like the cracks in a stone, and pigmentless skin that complimented his long red hair. Dan could not see his eyes, even though he was [s]now[/s] not even [s]but[/s] a hundred yards from him. They were hooded by heavy lids, [s]which blocked out even his out radiance[/s].

The air around Dan grew warmer, Take out this comma with each step that the strange old man took. Closer and closer [s]t[/s]he came Take out this comma , at a determined, measured pace. Dan could see his eyes now [s]that he was, only four paces away[/s]. [s]These were eyes unlike [/s]Dan had ever seen anything like them; They looked like fire opals.
The heat that had been rising gradually had now become unbearable. The heat clawed at his skin, searing with a familiar ferocity. Show us more of his pain, his surprise!

“Dan Kevalis. Do you know me?” The Old man enquired. He stopped, mere feet away from Dan [s]no only a single pace away from Dan[/s]. “We have met, I am the spirit of the fire that burnt you.”

Dan’s mind reeled; h[s]e[/s]is eyes bore [s]searchingly[/s] into the old man’s face for any semantic gesture. But there was none to be found. The old man’s face was blan[s]c[/s]k, with only the slightest pursing of his mouth.
The memory of his last moments before he fainted raced into Dan’s mind. He would normally have felt a wash of ice, as his feeling of dread crept in. However, all he felt was the terrible heat.

“I am the spirit of the fire, whether you believe me or not” The old man continued. “I have chosen you Dan Kavalis, to be my host” He peered back at Dan, his eyes squinted and intense. “We need each other; I have many tasks that I need to be completed, and you will complete them for me.” His mouth stretched into a rye smile. “In return, I will take you to heights you could only dream of. That is what you crave, is it not? Fame, power, notoriety, I can give all of these to you Insert comma my child. If you would be my host.” Does he have a choice?
The old man patted Dan’s cheek lightly, sporting a miscreant grin, his eyes full of noxious intent.
“Think on Dan Kevalis… Think on”.

With these parting words he blurred out of focus, and retreated back into the white ripples in the darkness; Take out the semicolon until he was gone.

O-k, first off: I think the whole "mysterious pain" thing is a little cliched. And second, unless Dan is used to dealing with spirits, I think he'd be a lot more nervous.