Young Writers Society

That’s it for today I think, though Dan. As he proceeded, to mop the sweat from his brow. He idly meandered his way back to the horse cart. Exhausted from harvesting the tall lavender all morning. Tall lavender only grew in this region of the world, sometimes growing to six feet. It was all the work of the mages, who crossbred wheat with lavender.

Dan inspected the bundles of lavender crop that lay in the cart. Before jumping into the cart, as well. Taking hold of the reigns his horse jerked expectantly. It had grown impatient, in the heat.

“On Bess.” Dan commanded, as he gave the reigns a slight tug.

The horse exploded into motion, impatiently. Eager to be back in the stable; out of the sun. Dan could empathize with Bess’s discomfort, as he fidgeted in his seat of lavender bails. He pulled at his saturated shirt, that clung to his frame. His leather trousers too had come to irritate him, chafing against his thighs.

The two of them proceeded down the sun-baked road, flanked by lavender crop at either side. As they travelled the crop began to melt into a purple haze, which had no end in sight. Dan began to plan his evening out, in his mind. I really need to see about fixing my roof, before I go out. I wonder if the tavern is putting on a band tonight. If not, I can always find some drunkard to sing to me. Dan thought to himself. Breaking into an unrestrained fit of laughter, as he imagined Lord Olan serenading him, in the tavern. The humour hung in his mind, as he began to plot how he might get the old man into the tavern at all.

Dan shook his head violently, shaking off the thoughts. He must have been lost in his memories for some time. The cart had side tracked off the road and had begun to cut into the field. The cart, shook violently on the uneven terrain. Dan looked behind him, to find that the horse had trampled nearly, one hundred yards of the crop. Dan’s heart sank into his belly – the thought of having to explain this, to Olan, gave him chills.

Hey again Kris!
Let's see what you got!

kris wrote:Hi - i am only posting the first 400 words or so, because i am not sure whether or not it works, and i don't want to carry on down the wrong road...if you get my drift.

Chaper 3 -

That’s it for today I think, thought Dan. [s]As [/s] He proceeded Take out this comma to mop the sweat from his brow. He [s]idly[/s] meandered [s]his way [/s]back to the horse cart, exhausted from harvesting the tall lavender all morning. Tall lavender only grew in this region of the world, sometimes growing to six feet. It was all the work of the mages, who crossbred wheat with lavender.
Dan inspected the bundles of lavender crop that lay in the cart, before jumping into the cart, [s]as well[/s].He took [s]Taking[/s] hold of the reignsInsert comma his horse jerking expectantly. Specify of your horse is a boy or girl She had grown impatient, in the heat.
“On Bess.” Dan commanded, as he gave the reigns a slight tug.
The horse exploded into motion, [s]impatiently.[/s] eager to get back in the stable and out of the sun. Dan could empathize with Bess’s discomfort, [s]as he fidgeted [/s] fidgeting in his seat of lavender bails. His saturated shirt clung to his frame and he pulled at it trying to dispel the heat [s]He pulled at his saturated shirt, that clung to his frame.[/s] His leather trousers [s] too had come to [/s]irritated him too, chafing against his thighs.
The [s]two of them [/s] pair proceeded down the sun-baked road, flanked by lavender crop at either side. As they travelled Insert comma the crop began to melt into a purple haze, [s]which had no end in sight[/s]. Insert paragraph break here Dan began to plan his evening out Take out comma in his mind. I really need to see about fixing my roof, before I go out. I wonder if the tavern is putting on a band tonight. If not, I can always find some drunkard to sing to me. Dan thought to himself. Dan's thoughts should always be in italics. When you are telling in the third person and then switch to the first put the thoughts in italics Breaking into an unrestrained fit of laughter, [s]as[/s] he imagined Lord Olan serenading him, Take out comma in the tavern. The humour hung in his mind, as he began to plot how he might get the old man into the tavern at all.
Lord Olan has always been good to me. The first and second sentences of this paragraph should be one sentence. Take out the period and insert a comma Dan thought, as a sweet sentiment came through. He began to recall his life as a street urchin, in the back allies of Derç. He had worked [s]Working[/s] as an errand boy for the smugglers Take out period, this should be one sentence fighting for morsels, Take out all these commas of near rancid fish, that lay discarded in the streets. [s]Until[/s] One day, he was caught carrying goods for the smugglers, Take out this comma by the city guards. Dan’s blood began to boil as the remembered how they nearly beat him [s]nearly[/s] to death.
Dan shook his head violently, shaking off [s]the[/s] his thoughts. He must have been lost in his memories for some time. The cart had [s]side tracked[/s] turned off of the road and had begun to cut into the field. [s]The cart [/s] It shook violently on the uneven terrain. Dan looked behind him, to find that the horse had trampled nearly, Take out comma one hundred yards of the crop. Dan’s heart sank into his belly – the thought of having to explain this, Take out these two commas to Olan, gave him chills.

I really like your writing style. The main thing i look for in an opening scene/chapter is always the first paragraph, if you made the reader gripped a bit more, and not want to think of anything BUT finish the book, i think it's a great start