Published June 6, 2009
Hey indie kid!
Sitting at your computer screen,
baring into a tungsten beam.
Trying to do something obscene;
wishing to be part of the scene.
You want to be an indie kid,
so folks would care about the things you did.
Preach to their friends of how you lift the lid
on life, death and everything in the mid(dle).
So now you are so intriguing,
it's hard to guess what you're thinking.
You cut yourself unblinking
and those meds you take have you sin...king...
But now you are truly depressed
and all your 'friends' have up and left.
Now that your life has become a mess.
It's all your fault, but I digress...
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Hey Kris ^^ Shina here ;P I'll be your reviewer for today.
I'm going to go against what lin said about being more sympathetic towards those type of people, because I think the way you're sending this message out to them, and to people considering doing this, is the right way to go. With teens and kids these days, you can't talk to them with all sorts of sappy sentences and planned out guidebooks that'll 'help them' or whatever their parents think those therapists do.
More than anything, those kids want to be accepted. They want to other people to know they exist, and sometimes they'll aim for acceptance no matter what the cost. I'm not saying to not be sympathetic to these kids, but just not in this particular poem.
I can't say much about the grammar and punctation, mostly because I have to eat breakfast right now ><
But Alyssa is right. "no" should be "now" and the "mid(dle)" part is hard to understand when it's in here as poetry. If it were in the lyrics section I think it would've been understood more.
-Shina
Preach to their friends of how you life the lid
on life, death and everything in the mid(dle).
this part didn't really make sense to me. this is pretty straightforward, which lends it some effectiveness, but still, aren't we being a bit cruel? is "indie" the new emo? i mean, you can write about whatever you want. i'm not stopping you. but the content here would seem to go against the tone you're assuming. perhaps it would be interesting to take a sympathetic point of view towards someone so desperate to be heard that he/she hurts him/herself and clings to words on a computer screen.
Hey there Kris!
I really liked this poem. I love how you weren't afraid to play with the rhyme scheme by throwing in the parenthesis. You certainly tackled the mindset of kids who live like that. Everyone want to be a part of something but they lose things along the way. There was a natural rhythm to the poem, which was nice. I'm sorry if you did not mean this to be funny, but I thought it was hilarious. Nice job. Oh! One little nitpick! In the first line of the third stanza, I believe 'no' should be 'now'.
-Alyssa