Published September 20, 2008
Act1 - Scene 1/4
Performance time: Scene 1 - 8minutes (entire play 60mins).
Rob -
Hi my name is Robert Josef Fitz-William... Well Robber to those to know me, but no body really knows me. I guess this is why I'm making this video. I'm lonely; really desperately lonely - the kind of loneliness that only a poet can understand.
*pause*
I Live alone, I have no family; Mother and Father both passed away some time ago, in a car accident - subsequently I don't drive any more...
*Awkward laugh*
You are my last chance I guess, I'm out of options. Believe it or not but I don't really hit it off with people. I'm not what you'd call mister personality.
So I'm making this movie to let you see what my life is like, and what I'm like day to day so-to-speak.
*mumbles* "So-to-speak"? what the fuck? you knob!
*awkward laugh*
You'll be watching 5days of my private life - well, not all... *counts* 120 hours of it!
*jitter*
I will edit it - just the times when I'm not in and that!
*pause*
I don't know if you've read by bio - I think it's attached with the DVD.
*long silence*
I'm erm...
*Scans the room desperately*
Twenty-two, Caucasian male. British but Russian by birth so I'm a right cosmopolitan - yeah!
erm...
I'm a telesales man for a well known banking company, I'd tell you who it is but I'm not getting paid that much!
*gun sign at the camera, and odd snorted laugh*
I Love walks in the park, but I think you've heard this before...Probably fed up of this tired cliché, but I have so much love to give, and never had anyone to give it to... So I'm hoping your interested - anyway.
I've got to get up pretty early tomorrow morning, so I'd best get to sleep... I'll leave the camera on for you - don't you perv now!
*Waits in seat for a few moments before clumsily getting up and undressing*
*to self*
Where the fuck did I put my pajamas?...Might...Ooo...Washed 'um...
*to camera*
I guess I'll be sleeping this one in the buff ladies, hope you don't mind. I'll keep things clean as I can.
hmmm...
*goes off stage, and returns with a glass of water. Sets it down on the bedside table and removes his underwear and crawls into bed*
* Lights out*
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141,379 Literary Works • 674,383 Reviews
Hullo!
I must say I did enjoy this. I really did. I think it would be really funny to actually see. This kind of thing is hard to write and make look pretty. Simply because it is a one character thing. This is something that would be more visually pleasing and I think it would be great if you actually made it.
As for what you could do to improve I guess the format of the script:
Bold the title
Whenever Rob is talking put maybe his name in bold before hand, it just got a little confusing to me.
put directions like *awkward laugh* and such in () instead, it just looks better
Of course those are all just my personal little things...Im kind of a format freak.
Now a question: Were you intending this for stage or film?
In my opinion film would be better, you could play with it more and do more funny things...tripping with the camer and such. It hasn't really been done much..the whole "a day in the life of" thing. Not that I have seen anyways.
I think it is funny though, and you could really turn it into something great.
This was...really funny. XD I loved it. Your character is great, and the story is interesting. You draw the audience in without giving too much away, which is great. I have just a few little grammer critiques...
You needed either a period or a comma there.
It was a run on sentence. :)
These two sentences strike me as really awkward. Expecially the first one. Perhaps you could change it to something like "I don't really hit it off with people, believe it for not." The 'but' doesn't really fit and breaks up the word structure. The Mister Personality is capitolized because its a name.
Too many 'like's
Awww X3 You've thought up a really loveable, funny character.
I will definately be keeping an eye out for more. I would absolutely sit down and watch this as a play or movie (Though I'm not sure he would be allowed to take off his underware if it's a play XD). Keep up the great work!
that one made me laugh out loud! that was pretty good, and the only critique i can give you is when he asked the audience if they read his bio, he said "by" instead of "my.. but that's just a typo.. Other then that one little problem, i loved it.. You really gave the guy a personality..