Oh gods of my father land,
Why have you forsaken your infants?
To be castrated like a beast without value.
My songs of sorrow grows by the day,
My vision and dreams silent in death,
I swore to defend the integrity of my land,
I promised to roar like a lion in your defense,
But now my hands and feet are bound,
Compelled with strokes to move.
My movements are restricted to the call,
The wild call of my master with light skin.
I watched in despise as my loved once fell,
Fell and carried away by the dust of the earth,
Fell to forever remain silent in death,
And the white devils trample past them.
Who will I call in my days of adversity?
When the gods are as good as dead in action,
I am a man of great strength and valor,
I am a warrior of the land,
But now I plead for one thing: freedom,
For my chain to fall off my neck,
Now I realize that freedom is a great asset.
Oh gods of my father’s land, why?
Why have you failed the land that loved you?
Why have you slept in the midst of battle?
The white skin brutes have taken your place,
Now reality stands before me,
I am a slave in my father’s land.
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Hey there! First, to get the details out of the way:
"I watched in despise as my loved once fell" - I'm not really sure that "in despise" is a valid combination of the two words!
The next two lines, "Fall and carried away..." and "Fall to forever...", are in the present tense, while the previous line used "fell". It's inconsistent
Aside from these trivialities, the content of the text itself was very well done! It truly conveyed a sense of what a person in such a situation must have been feeling, at least as much as a poem this size could convey such a horror - the overall sense of undeserved helplessness. Well, at least it conjured up the pictures from my history book! >.< But yes, I certainly can't see anything wrong with the piece. Keep writing! ^^
thanks
Hello, there! This is IronSpark. I only have a few comments--because this is really good!
Okay... this is a beautiful poem. I just want to nitpick a little, if that's okay.
1. This could be a little clearer/easier to read if you added a little punctuation at the line breaks and within the poem.
2. "Why have you slept in the midst of battle?" Maybe you should try, "Why did you sleep in the midst of battle?" Just a suggestion.
3. "The light skin brutes have taken your place" You should try, "The light skinned brutes have taken your place"
4. "And the white wizards trample past them" Try a word other then 'wizard' because 'wizard' is a positive word, and you seem to use negative words to describe the white-skinned people. What about 'devils'?
5. "But now I plead for one thing; freedom" This shouldn't be a semicolon, it should be a colon.
("But now I plead for one thing: freedom")
Maybe remove the inappropriate-for-under-twelve word in the third line? It seems like a waste to make it suddenly not child-appropriate. D:
Keep writing!
-IronSpark
thanks
This was such a beautiful and emotional poem. You can see the raw emotion put into this poem and describing the terrible era that once grieved our country. I love the emphasis that you place on freedom and the rhetorical questions you have throughout the poem. Nice job.
thanks