December shivers [x3]
Crawl down your back
and the fever sinks into your soul
Takes hold, shows you the truth
as your mind floats
through the frosted air.
The body lies resting
but the mind flies away.
Or so the story goes.
Reckoning with past
facing future
unhinged, uncontrolled.
December shivers [x3]
roll you around in a coffin
shaped like a bed.
Grips the body, so it doesn't even know
Till its all bound down, in the snow.
The mind still soaring
high above its host,
smiles as its free home.
The body is strangled by an invisible force
much stronger than he.
Sinking into the ground
feeling paralyzed.
There is not an escape
to be seen.
December shivers [x3]
......fades out
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Thank you for the review!
Its my first one
Yeah, my lyrics often come out more like poetry than lyrics and I don't usually do choruses, but I think it helps more when you can here it to music, which obviously you cant do here, ha ha. My best friend writes most of the music and I write the lyrics.
Thank you again, its so exciting to get the first review! I'm probably going to post some excepts from my novel soon, but I though I'd start with something small.
Excuse my laziness in this review.
Ok, I know this is lyrics and not poetry but shouldn't you at least keep the stanzas to 3 lines or 4 lines? I guess what I'm trying to say is that some of your stanzas are 3 lines and some are 4. I would suggest trying to use either one of them to keep it "universal".
Caution: Most of these remarks are purely suggestive.
Ok, now that I got that out of the way. Aren't all coffins shaped like beds?
I had problems with this part...I don't know if its wordy or what but it didn't really make sense to me.
Ah, the "he" threw me off here. Maybe "it" will serve you better.
Overall: I loved it. Very interesting though I don't know exactly what its talking about. "December shivers" to me illustrate a picture of someone shivering in the cold with snow flakes falling around them. Though, here it makes "December shivers" sound like quicksand or something. Like you are getting pushed down to your death where your body is seperated from your mind.
Also, this sounds more like a poem except for the (x3)s and fading out. Especially since you don't have a chorus. Then again...
So, yeah. I loved it. Welcome to YWS!
- JC
feel free to PM me if you have any questions etc. or if you just wanna talk. thats cool too!