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Young Writers Society


Language Violence

Valiant: Book 1 Chapter 1

by kman134


The city of Raleigh was just as busy-bodied as usual. The stench of raw sewage festered from the manhole covers and storm drains. The citizens roamed the streets in groups, going about their day while they headed to either work to wherever. Most of them were expecting rain, carrying umbrellas in their hands as clouds covered the once blue sky.

Walking down the street, a young man staggered his way passed the crowd. His nose wrinkled as he walked through the steam, taking in the repugnant odor while he stifled a little. The wind blew through his neck-length black hair. putting his red hood over his head, he stuck his hands in his pockets before he walked into the bodega on his right.

The bell rang. The young man could hear the news on the TV when he walked in: “Notorious terrorist Dogma remains at large as the United Nations discuss preemptive procedures in preparing to tackle with this international criminal mastermind. Once thought of being an internet prank, many Dogma-inspired incidences have surfaced around the world, ranging from assassinations to revolts. With a death toll of 3,000, the world has never seen such bloodshed since IS…”

The cashier turned her attention to the young man. She was about the same age as him, having long black hair, brown skin, and hazel eyes. she was dressed in a teal buttoned shirt with white pants and a name tag on her left breast.

Her tired expression brightening up with a soft grin when she saw him.

“Hey, Alex. Good to see you’re back in action. Where the hell have you been this past week?”

“My parents took me out of town, Lena. We went to see grandma in Georgia.”

“I take it, it wasn’t all that fun, huh?”

Walking up to the dairy section, Alex scanned every row before grabbing the whole milk. He sauntered over to the cash register and was getting ready to pay. He frowned while staring into Lena’s eyes.

“Lena, we’ve been friends since we were in second grade. So, you would know the answer to that.” The young woman smiled half-heartedly while she ranged him up.

Shrugging her shoulders, Lena stared back as she scanned the product on her counter. “Yeah. It’s been a while since I been down there. However, from the perturbed glare and the slack jawed expression, I deduced that your experience wasn’t a delight.” Suddenly, the young woman’s face fell. Alex took notice and sullenly lowered his head, pursing his lips while rubbing the back of his neck.

“I’m sorry, Lena. I forgot today’s the anniversary.”

“Honestly, seeing family members can also be a blessing. What I wouldn’t give…”

Her body tensed up while she gasped. She felt Alex’s hand resting softly on her own. Letting out a sigh, his brows rose as he stated, “It’s been five years. I know you would do anything to see them again, but, sometimes, it is best to let go of the past and just keep moving forward.”

A smile cracked on the young man’s face while his brows rose. “No matter what, I’m always there to see you all the way.”

The young woman’s cheeks turned a little red. Lena grinned as she moved a strand of hair away from her face. Suddenly, a loud siren was heard as a red light flashed throughout the bodega’s interior. The two looked and saw it was coming from the TV. On the screen, a warning sign flashed on and off, but ended as the newscaster’s face appeared.

“Attention! We are getting a report that several ballistic missiles had just been launched from China and are heading straight to the Midwest and South of the U.S. Luckily, the military was able to intercept and shoot most of them down! However, only one has been missed and is heading straight to Raleigh, North Carolina! This is not a drill! An evacuation has been initiated…and…will…”

Suddenly, the screen became static and was changed, replacing the former as a new face appeared. On the TV was a man wearing a clay mask with graffiti printed all over. Clearing his throat, he spoke in such a calm demeanor that it brought chills down Alex and Lena’s spines.

“People of Raleigh. I am Dogma. This broadcast you are watching is only exclusive to your city. So, no one, not even your government, is aware that this is being shown and even if they managed to see this broadcast, we’ve taken certain precautions for them not to track our location. By now, you have heard that a surviving missile is about to land into your city. Though the missiles I had launched were much more prominent, I had calculated the military’s intervention in hindering their designated arrival, which is where I knew one would remain. Be not afraid, my brothers and sisters, for your sacrifice will bring my plan into fruition.”

The broadcast was cut out and there was only static. Then a series of loud screams was heard from outside. Alex and Lena rushed out of the bodega and were in shock. Raleigh had quickly gone to hell. All of the millions of people living in the city were running and screaming in hysteria, smashing through the windows of every store and stealing whatever they could carry from food to typically a TV set.

“What the hell in happening?” Alex asked. His breathing increased while beads of sweat fell from his brow from witnessing such madness.

Despite her calm demeanor, Lena was also perturbed by what she was watching. Crossing her arms, she replied with a slight jitter in her tone, “E-everything we are seeing is typical mass hysteria. Their whole world is coming to an end and their basis instincts are telling them all to do whatever the hell they want because nobody’s coming to save them, and this is the only thing they can do.”

Suddenly, Alex and Lena perked up as he heard a high-pitched whistle. It was coming from the sky. The two looked up and right before their eyes was the instrument that would bring upon their impending doom. The warhead was coming in fast, flying about 15,000 miles and was about to hit in a matter of minutes.

Alex was frozen in place. However, feeling a hard tug on his arm, he snapped his neck and saw Lena trying to get him to move.

“Come on, Alex! We have to get out of the city before it’s too late!” however, the young man pulled away and started running in the opposite direction.

“I have to go get my parent!”

Right when he ran down the street, Alex disappeared into the mist. Lena couldn’t wait for her friend to return. So, she ran up the street but looked back with hope the young man would make it out alright. she even clenched her chest, feeling a sharp tinge of guilt forming with tears caressed her cheeks.

~~~~~~~~~~~

5 minutes later. On the other side of the city, Alex stopped in his tracks and looked up in the sky. His fists clenched while his eyes narrowed. The missile was coming in close. Thoughts began to formulate in the young man’s head.

There’s not a moment to lose. If I don’t do something quick, then the thought of millions of people dying will be a great weight on my shoulders that I just wouldn’t be able to bare.

Looking around, he saw that he was the only one in the vicinity. There was not a soul in sight, which gave the boy the opportunity he needed. However, he threw his hood up to further conceal his identity. After this whole ordeal was over, he didn’t want anyone to recognize his face. He even saw a black blanket laying in an alleyway, grabbed it, and quickly tied it around his face. This has nothing to do with hiding my identity. I just always wanted to wear a cape when doing something like this.

Bending his knees, he leaped and started to soar into the air. He was heading straight for the missile head on with his fists sticking out and his teeth gritting with anger. My mono-directional field has been altered. With the gravity around me loosened, I can easily float up into the air. Nevertheless, behind that anger lied a tint of sadness as tears started to form in his eyes. His life was starting to flash before his eyes and a sense of melancholy washed over him.

His gaze was directly at the missile. He was about three feet close to it as he about to make contact. Closing his eyes, he was preparing to meet his fate as his life flashed before him.

~~~~~~~~~~~

It was five years ago. A boy with black hair and blue eyes was hanging out in a repair shop as he watched a middle-aged man working under a Chevrolet. In his hand, he was reading an issue of Action Comics while sitting on top of the garage’s work bench.

“Need any help dad?” the boy asked.

The man stopped and rolled out. “No, son. You’re thirteen years and too young to do this kind of greaser work. Wait until you’re older. Then you can help.”

The boy frowned in disappointment. For a kid, there was nothing for him to do but sit around and watch. The only time he was able to do anything was when his dad asked to grab him a beer. Suddenly, something snapped as a loud thud was made. Then came a loud painful scream. Alex cringed. He covered his ears to block out the sound of the car’s alarm as it went off. When he looked up, his eyes bulged at the sight before him.

“Dad!”

The boy stood in shock as he watched his father struggling to crawl out. The jack had broken, and the Chevrolet came down on the mechanic with his legs flailing for aide. “Quick! Son! Get your mother! Tell her to call 911!”

However, the boy didn’t listen and charged at the car. Reaching under the bottom, he bent his knees and pulled with all of his might, but it wouldn’t budge. He wasn’t giving up as he used all of his strength. Suddenly, a serge coursed through his muscles. The boy felt an overwhelming sense of power. The Chevrolet slowly moved up and was gently pushed over his side. This gave Alex the advantage he needed to get his father out from under the hood and onto his feet. Once they were out of the way, the car soon dropped onto the ground, standing back onto its tires as a loud thud was made on the concrete floor.

Helping his father to the bench, Alex was concerned by the state he was in. his right leg was broken with blood on the pants sleeve while the way he clenched his chest indicated a possibility in fractured rips. The man didn’t care about that. Instead, he was shocked at the sight of what his son had accomplished.

“Hang on, dad! I’ll get mom and she’ll take you to the hospital!” Alex was about to dash out of the garage. However, his father stopped him before he could head out.

The man turned to the boy with his jaw nearly hitting the floor. the silence his father emitted was very perturbing for the boy. Finally, he spoke.

“Son. What did you just do?”

“I…I don’t know. You told me to go get help, but when you were struggling under the car, I just rushed over and tried desperately to get you out. That’s when I felt something in me giving me the power to push the car over.”

Tears fell from the boy’s eyes. The man became less surprised from seeing this. Placing a hand on the boy’s shoulder, the man’s eyes narrowed, and he tried his best to bend his knees, ignoring the pain brought on from the gesture. “Listen, son. What you did today, you will never do it again. If people found out what you could do, bad people will take you away and will do horrible things to you. It’s better to keep it to yourself and never use that power again. Do you understand?”

Alex nodded his head. he didn’t understand what his father meant but making a promise seemed like the best option for the boy. Patting him on the shoulder, Alex’s father gestured for him and his son to head back into the house, so to find the boy’s mother and tell her what had happened while also calling for medical attention.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A loud boom was heard while Alex felt a burning sensation onto his skin. Opening his eyes, he found himself surrounded in a cloud of vapor as he smelled its’ searing fumes singed his nostrils. Sure, hope this isn’t radioactive. Alex cringed as he patted himself.He looked around him, finding himself still in the air while seeing that he was left unscathed, albeit with his red hoodie burnt and in tatters. Looking down, he saw the people gathering under in awe, looking up and pointing at him. most of the citizens had already evacuated as there was only a small crowd of people in the area. Luckily, since he was high up, nobody would be able to recognize him.

Cringing in agony, he gritted his teeth as a high pitch sound erupted his eardrums. He clutched his ears and wince. However, shooting his eyes opened, the sound became clear and became alarmed of what he was hearing. Red-one reporting in! We have a bogey in midair! Take it out and bring it back to home base! It wasn’t the police since they had left with a majority of Raleigh. Alex realized that the air force was heading his way. Copy that, wingman! Will be there on the double! Without a moment to spare, Alex flew away with lightning speed, going far away from the city as possible.

Suddenly, he saw a flash from the corner of his eye, but he ignored it as he headed back home. Before he could head back into the city, he needed to change (and possibly burn) his tattered clothes. During his flight, thoughts plagued his head as he frowned.

“I hope Lena is okay,” Alex muttered worriedly.


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37 Reviews


Points: 1517
Reviews: 37

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Sun Apr 29, 2018 11:39 pm
Boluk wrote a review...



Ello old chap, Boluk is here and he's ready to review.

What I liked: The pacing seemed to be gosh darn near spectacular and had a perfect balance of well drawn out moments and awesome action scenes both of these work well on their own like peanut butter and jelly. But also like peanut butter and jelly when they are combined spectacular things can an in the most often cases do in fact happen, and they are motherluvin glorious. I mean 98% of this is amazing! If it sounds like I'm hyping this up a lot more that I should be I ain't it's just I have a massive amount of respect for people who can write better than I which is pretty much every single person in this website so that explains that.

What I disliked: you remember how in the beginning of the like section I talked about how great your pacing was and how for 98% of the time it was amazing? Well now I'm going to tell you about the remaining 2% percent. You see the pacing in this story is still like a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and just like any peanut butter and jelly sandwich if there is too much of one of the substances the entire sandwich feels a bit sloppy.
Conclusion: in conclusion this story is awesome and I do not just love it but adore it as well.
I am Boluk, the god of writing terrible stories with equally as terrible grammer, signing out...but not really.




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557 Reviews


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Wed Apr 04, 2018 4:36 am
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Ventomology wrote a review...



Hey yo! I saw this in the GR, and I was like, instantly intrigued. Superheroes are so fun!

Technical Commentary:

1. You might want to do a little bit more proofreading, or run the work through a word processor. I noticed more than a few little spelling, capitalization, and other such errors. They don't seriously detract, but they are a teeny bit distracting.

2. Be careful with how you describe sounds. Both of the instances where you began a sentence with sound description, you slipped into something called the passive voice, which is where you put 'was' (or any conjugation of 'is') in front of a verb so that it pairs with a noun without really having any subject performing the verb.

Passive voice is generally frowned upon in fiction, not because it's grammatically incorrect, but because it has a tendency to take away the power of whichever action verb you pair with the helper.

So, if you want your sound descriptions to really pop, try personifying the sounds, or giving some attention to everyone hearing those sounds, instead of using the phrase "insert sound was heard."

Plot, Characterization, and Misc. Items:

1. I like the villain name! The term 'dogma' is just loaded with some possible plot points regarding rules and morality, so that makes it pretty exciting.

2. You might want to do little more research on your science and government?

On the science end:

Magnetic fields can interfere with gravity, but you're looking at creating magnetic fields about the same size and strength as what Earth's already got, and then your protag is going to start interfering with a lot more than just gravity. The car example in the flashback was fine, since cars tend to have plenty of magnetic parts, but be careful with your flashier moves!

On the government end:

I don't think there are any precautions you could take to keep an entire well-populated area from losing contact with the outside and keeping the government out of the loop through it. Information travels along so many different routes now, and a lack of information would be equally noticeable.

Now, as a disclaimer, I will tell you that you don't have to get everything perfect! However, be careful not to break too many regular-earth rules without explanation. It hurts your reader's ability to suspend disbelief and might distract from the story.

3. Having magnetic interference is a super cool superpower! It's not one that gets used often, so it'll be really interesting to see where you take it.

Thanks for this! It was an overall fun read, and I think there's a lot of potential in terms of themes and characters and fun plots. Let me know when you update. I'll do my best to come back for the next chapter!

Good job!
-Buggie




kman134 says...


Yeah, the magnetic reference is a reference to superman. Alex has the ability to control his own mono-directional gravity field to give him the ability to fly, similar to superman.



kman134 says...


the government part was suppose to show Dogma's hacking skills and how he is able to digitally isolate a whole city enough to keep government out of his hair before bombing the place.



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212 Reviews


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Mon Apr 02, 2018 12:30 am
EverLight wrote a review...



1. What I liked
I love your imgaionation. I loved that part where he save's his dad. I also think you have yourself a good hero and villain.
1. Character & character devoupment
They seem to have a sense of personality but . . .I think you could give them more or a sense of personality. They could use more juice.
2. Feeling & Action
I think you could describe Alex's feelings more clearly also give the readers a good picture of what that car inncident looked like.
3. Grammar & Spelling
I didn't see anymistakes but that doesn't mean they aren't there. One thing I'd like to call attention to is Mid-air. I don't think that shouldn't have a dash inbetween
4. Overall & encouragement
Good job! I think you did great giving them that super hero feeling. Keep this up!





What's the point of being a grown-up if you can't be a bit childish sometimes?
— 4th Doctor