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Twilight of the Worlds and the Fall of Reality - Chapter 1

by kman134


It was the final day before the great event began. I lay in my bed under the silk sheets. There was so much to think about for once it began, I would never see my family again until it was over. It was a warm night in Castle Kufu and the cooling touch of my ancestral home’s stone-brick walls made me feel comfortable, especially in this change of weather that the realm was experiencing.

The wooden door at the end of the room opened and my mother walked in. She had long black hair that reached to her waist, a pair of hazel eyes that glistened like the night forests, and pale skin like that of marble. She was dressed in a long kimono of green and white with blue patterns of flowers all over, a short light-green jacket over her shoulders, and a black sash around her waist.

“My son, it is late and you are still awake. What’s wrong?” the woman asked with concern in her voice. She sauntered up and sat at my bedside.

I turned and sighed. “Mother. There is so much I am supposed to do. Will I be capable of committing such a feat? Will I be able to rise up against my brothers and sisters in the eyes of my father? Or will I fail and fall as they suspect me to do?”

My mother smiled and caressed a hand against my face. “Do not fret, Mishima. Everything will be all right. Do not believe what they say for you have the potential to rise up above everyone else.”

“How can you be so certain?”

“A mother knows what powers her child possesses and a mother knows that her child will become extraordinary.”

Hearing those words calmed my nerves a little, feeling a bit of weight leaving my chest and mind as I smiled back at my mother.

My mother turned the lantern off and waltzed to the door, saying goodnight before leaving me alone in my dark room. However, as I tried to fall asleep, I couldn’t help but remain perturbed throughout the night while closing my eyes and drifting to sleep.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My eyes fluttered open and I gazed out of the window and stared lazily at the ethereal sky that hung over the lands. The realm in which the castle stood always had such an atmosphere, which for some reason brought comfort to the people as the sky dance in an array of colors, mesmerizing many of the denizens who gaze at the heavens. Moving the sheets away, I got out of bed and headed to the bathing quarters where my attendant, Marina, accompanied me as she held my change of clothes.

“You know, you don’t need to follow me, Marina. I can bathe by myself.”

“Yes, but it is an honor to cater you, my prince,” she stated with a humble grin.

After I had finished, I donned my attire for the gathering that began at 11:30AM. Looking in the mirror, I admired the soft feel of my tanned buttoned tunic and my dark-green trousers that felt nicely around my persons before combing my raven black hair through my fingers. Once I was ready, I walked down the staircase and out the front door. I didn’t bother with the breakfast that was prepared for my mother, my grandparents, and I for I didn’t have the luxury of time today, nor did I have the time to say goodbye to them’ all.

I headed out of the house, but stopped to turn and look at my home for one last time. I wouldn’t be able to return for a number of days. So, I wanted to take it all in before I leave. I took notice of the terracotta tiles and the wood and stone exterior that surrounded it. I walked through the cobbled-stone walkway and passed under the torii stands that hover my head. At the end, I stopped and stood in front of a deep edge, stretching down presumable 100-meters down from where I was standing. I waited as the airship soared over, listing to its four-way engines roaring fire as it stopped in front of me. The door slid open and I walked inside before taking a seat next to the door. I felt the ship take off as the chair and the floor began to vibrate under me.

I looked through the porthole behind me and watched the ship pierced through the veil of reality, observing the scenery becoming more transparent as it proceeded into the void. From then on, I had to wait two hours until my transport arrived at my destination. So, I stood up and decided to explore my surroundings. Luckily, since the airship was reserved only for me, there weren’t many people on board but the pilot and the engineers, which meant I could freely walk around without disturbing any other possible passenger on board. Walking pass the long corridor, I made a right turn and descended down to the engine room.

My hands trailed against the metallic walls as I ventured further. At the end was a bright light and right when I passed through, I found myself surrounded by a variety of machines and pipes spewing steam all interconnected to a large tube standing in the center of the room.

“Hey! What do you think you’re doing…oh forgive me, your grace. I didn’t recognize from behind.” I turned around and saw a man wearing a metal mask with a rebreather and dressed in a ragged jumpsuit standing behind me. It was a good thing he did recognize my face before he struck me with that monkey wrench in his hand. He bowed his head in apology, but I gestured my hand for him to lean back up.

“It’s okay. It’s my fault for coming down here without warning. I was curious and wanted to see what was down here.” I moseyed over to the container, gazing at the black smoke floating inside while arching a brow. “So, what’s inside of this thing?”

However, when I tapped the glass, I lurched backwards when I saw a pair of red fists thumped against the inside of the tube. Sneering its’ glowing yellow eyes, the creature bared its’ fangs and snarled. It shouted, “Release me, humans, and I’ll be sure to make your deaths slow and painful!”

My heart wouldn’t stop beating, breathing heavily while feeling beads of sweat fall from my brow. I took a deep breath and finally calmed down.

“Don’t mind that Dyre Demon. He may seem dangerous, but inside that container, he’s all talk and no bite,” the engineer chuckled. He stood beside me with his arms crossed.

I was familiar with the Dyre Demons and their usefulness among airships and other transport vehicles. Apparently, it’s these creatures and the dark aura they produce that powers the ship, not coal or wood.

“Tell me, how long did it take the hunters to capture this demon?” I asked.

“About 5 days and it took 50 men to restrain it and bring it home,” the engineer stated with his expression turning mournful. I guess some of those men were people he knew.

Raising my brows, I patted the man on the shoulder and flashed him a sympathetic expression. Then I walked away and headed back up.

Before I could proceed, I turned and said, “Well, thank you for letting me see all this, good sir. It was all very diverting.”

He simply nodded and returned to his post, checking the gauges and making sure the pressure was balanced. I went back to my seat and waited for the remaining hour and a half until we arrived.

Suddenly, I perked up as I heard a voice coming from the speakerphone. It said, “Attention, passenger. We have finally arrived at our destination. Please, return to your seat as we prepare to dock and before we do, all I would like to say is welcome to Earth.”

I looked out and saw the marble capital below with the bronze tiled roofs reflecting the sun’s light. The site of it was breathtaking with the structure standing on top of a beautiful, fertile plain. If I remembered my history correctly, the area was once known as the Himalayas before the ice and snow melted, and was replaced by a kaleidoscope of flowers and trees.

The airship carefully docked beside a tall tower that stood about 20 meters in the center of the palace. I walked out and strolled across the stone walkway towards the entrance. It was a windy day, the breeze caressing my hair.

Walking into the tower, I made my way to the elevator and headed down to the 12th floor. Sauntering out, I gradually walked across the red carpet and through the decorated hall. Around me were portraits of the previous Emperors that ruled in the past and more distinguished they looked, the more I admired each and every one of them. Just then, I tripped and fell on my face. I turned around and seethed as I rubbed my forehead.

Sticking out from behind the curtains was a leather boot with a steel spat. Then the boot moved, and walking out was a tall man with long blond hair and blues eyes, who flashed a smug grin directly at me. He was dressed in a blue tunic and pants with a belt over his shoulder, a pair of leather shoes with spats, and a red cape around his neck.

Crouching down, the man never averted eye contact, which made me angry. He said mockingly, “Well, I see you haven’t gotten over your clumsiness, brother. Such flaws are unfit for a member of royalty.

I gritted my teeth at him, but he merely laughed while standing back up. Standing up and brushing the dust off my tunic, I replied sardonically as I hissed, “I know you were there, Ivan. I just wanted to show you how childish you really are, brother.”

That hit the nail on the head for my brother. I watched him growl while I felt his hand grabbing me by the collar before cocking his hand back. He roared irately, “You miserable bastard child! You dare insult the true son of this estate?! I’ll make sure you relearn all the lessons I’ve given you years ago!”

“What in God’s name are you doing, Ivan?!” standing behind us was my older sister Victoria who glared daggers at our older brother.

She was a tall beautiful woman that stood three inches over me and was the same height as Ivan, having light-brown skin, long curly black hair, and hazel eyes. She was dressed in a short white dress with golden lines horizontally trailing around her skirt, a pair of thigh-high boots with armor plating and a pair of long armored gloves, and a silver cape around her neck.

Letting me go, Ivan backed away with a timid grin. He answered, “Nothing, sister. I was just merely helping our little brother up off the floor, that’s all.” He turned around and walked away from the two of us. He continued, “Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to head straight to the throne room that goes for you two also. We don’t want to keep father waiting, do we?” his timid tone faded and changed to a sly one as he flashed a grin at us over his shoulder.

Victoria released a sigh while retaining her scowl before turning her attention towards me. I stormed past her but immediately halted when I felt my sister’s hand on my shoulder. She twirled my around and brought me to her face.

“You know, one of these days you are going to have to deal with Ivan and your snarky remarks aren’t going to protect you? When that happens I won’t be around to save you, brother.”

I replied somberly, “I’m aware of that, Victoria. Unfortunately, if I do manage to fight him, then I surely will fail because he’s stronger than me.”

Slap! A seething pain struck me against my face. My sister’s hand was raised as she glared. The one thing Victoria hated more than my brother was my low self-esteem.

“Does anything else come out of your mouth besides excuses?! Ivan is a coward who only picks on you for being the son of a concubine. However, you are no different for you are all talk,” she stated, pointing her finger at me with a chastising demeanor. “I have watch you be subjected to our sibling’s abuse and every time your show one sign of resistance, they immediately attack and you revert to being a punching bag to the lot.”

She was right. That’s how I act around them. One moment when I try to fight back, I recoil and get beaten by them because I don’t want to cause trouble among my family. I’m just a son of a concubine from a small noble house and I have no right to fight back. I watched her gesture a hand for me to move.

She commanded with a placid expression, “Come on. Let’s get moving. We don’t want to keep father waiting any longer.”

We both proceeded down the hall and stopped when we reached two large oak doors gilded in gold and silver. we waltzed through the doors and stood twelve feet away from the throne. I looked around as I took in all that was around me, admiring the French Rococo style that decorated the entire chamber. Hanging over my head and the heads of everyone in the room were banners of different colors with the only commonness being the golden tree printed on the fabric.

However, my train of thought derailed as I overheard everyone around me. Although I pretended to not listen, I took in every comment they had of me:

“I can’t believe he’s here. Why did father invite that excuse for a sibling?”

“Well, his mother was his favorite in the harem. So, I guess he just felt sorry for rarely bringing him to our gatherings.”

“It’s still disgusting to look at him. That bastard child reeks of weak nobility and common folk. He’s nothing but a poison to our bloodline.”

“Oh please, it’s fun having him around. Besides, who else are we going to mess around with that still has a little bit of spirit left?”

I clenched my fists as I felt my rage building up, but after taking a deep breath, I let go and tuned them out. However, my attention shifted after hearing the trumpets being sounded.

“Ladies and gentlemen. It is an honor to announce that his imperialness Emperor Valentine Sol Aurelius has arrived,” said the courtier with his hand behind his back.

Walking through the door on the right side of the throne was my father and accompanying him were his four wives all of whom were dressed in extravagant, and colorful, fashion. I could feel his gaze as he observed the room, bringing shivers down my spine as he furrowed his brows.

Brushing his gray mustache and beard with his fingers, he gestured his hands outwardly and smiled. Then he spoke in hospitality, “Thank you all for coming, my children! I’m glad you’ all could make to such an important event. Now, you’re wondering why I have called you here to the capital!”

That was a question that had been on my mind, and possibly the minds of my siblings also, since I had arrived. Many of us had assumed that father had finally decided to choose an heir to the throne, but that was merely out of speculation, which puzzled me on why father would invite me as well.

Then he continued, “The reason why I have invited you is to inform you that Yggdrasil—the world tree that connects Earth to all realms in the multiverse—is dying!”


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Sat Aug 19, 2017 7:17 pm
IcyFlame wrote a review...



Hi there kman.
It's rare to see a first chapter with so few reviews, so I've come to do one.

It was the final day before the great event began.


I understand that you’re being deliberately ambiguous with this line because you want to create mystery, but it would be nice if you could do it a little more subtly. It’s a nice short sentence, but I wonder if you could open with something else and throw this in slightly later to make the flow better.

I like the pacing of this story, but I feel it is compromised by the way it flows. You have a tendency to put in a lot of information all at once in what takes the form of an information dump and it becomes off putting to read. This would really benefit from you focusing on cutting out words that aren’t necessary. If it doesn’t further the plot then you don’t need it. Imagine you’re writing to a word limit and try and say all you want to say using as few words as it is possible to do so. Of course, you can always go back and put some words back in, but you definitely don’t need as many as you have currently. It interferes with the feel of the story and stops the reader getting lost in the world you’ve been doing so well at creating thus far.

It would also be good for you to practice writing your dialogue. Try reading it aloud, with another person if possible and see where it doesn’t sound natural. Some of the dialogue you’ve written is stilted and jarring and again, it takes away from the magic of the piece.

I’m not going to pull out the nitpicks and grammar issues because most of those should be picked up on a proofread. I think you’ve done a good job of creating an interesting world here, and with a few tweaks this could be even better.

I look forward to seeing the next chapter.

Hope this was helpful.
Icy.




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Wed Aug 02, 2017 4:06 pm
Panikos wrote a review...



Hi, kman134! Pan here for a quick review.

Good to see some more work from you. It's a promising start to the novel. It gets straight into the action, doesn't muck about with exposition and the pacing is pretty well pitched. I'm already getting a really strong sense of setting, too; this seems to be a strength of yours. Liking the multiverse stuff as well. Love anything to do with parallel worlds.

I've reviewed some of your work before, so you'll be familiar with the formula. I'll go through the piece for nitpicky stuff and close with some overall remarks. Here we go.

Nitpicks

It was the final day before the great event began as I lied in my bed under the silk sheets.


Two things:

1) The past tense form of lie (as in to be horizontal) is lay, so it should be 'I lay in my bed'.

2) I don't think 'as' works as a connective in this context. It feels awkward, perhaps because him laying in bed and it being the final day before the event aren't really that closely connected. 'It was the final day before the great event began and I lay in my bed under the silk sheets' would work better, though I think it would actually be best if you had them as separate sentences, like:

It was the final day before the great event began. I lay in my bed under the silk sheets.

In my opinion, this gives a bit more weight to the first clause - which is good, because that's where the hook is.

There was so much to think about for once it begins, I will never see my family again until it is over.


Tense slippage. It should be 'there was so much to think about, for once it began, I would never see my family until it was over'.

The wooden door at the end of the room opened and walking in was a beautiful woman in her middle age.


Why does he talk about his mother as if she's a stranger? You could just as easily say 'the wooden door at the end of the room opened and my mother walked in', before going on to briefly describe her.

I turned and sighed. I answered, “Mother. There is so much I am supposed to do. Will I be capable of committing such a feat? Will I be able to rise up against my brothers and sisters in the eyes of my father? Or will I fail and fall as they suspect me to do?”

My mother smiled and caressed a hand against my face. She assured warmly, “Do not fret, Mishima. Everything will be all right. Do not believe what they say for you have the potential to rise up above everyone else.”


You don't need these dialogue tags. We can tell who's speaking.

The next morning…


It feels a bit cheesy to have transitions like this. It would be more professional to have a gap or an asterisk. We'll easily figure from the scene itself that it takes place the next morning.

My eyes fluttered up as they gazed out of the window


'As' implies that the two actions are happening simultaneously, which doesn't fit. What's actually happening is that he opens his eyes and then gazes out the window. Maybe rephrase it as 'My eyes fluttered open and I gazed out of the window' or something like that.

The realm of which the castle stood always had such an atmosphere, which for some reason brought comfort to the people.


1) You mean the realm in which the castle stood.

2) Not really sure what you mean by a whole realm having a comforting atmosphere. It's too vague.

Moving the sheets away, I got out of bed and headed to the bathing quarters where I was accompanied by my attendant, Marina, accompanied me as she held my change of clothes.

“You know, you don’t need to follow me, Marina. I can bathe by myself,” I reassured nervously to the young handmaiden.


1) You repeat 'accompanied'. You could change it to something like 'I was accompanied by my handmaiden, Marina, who carried with her my change of clothes'.

2) You don't need to clarify who he is speaking to when he says her name within the dialogue. You also don't need to tell us that he's reassuring her - we should be able to tell that from his words.

After I had finished, I donned on my attire


Just 'donned' is fine.

Looking in the mirror, I admired the feel of my tanned buttoned tunic and my dark-green trousers that felt nicely around my persons.


Be more specific about the feeling of the fabric. Is it soft, silken, light, airy? 'Nice' tells us almost nothing.

It's also kind of strange that you juxtapose looking in a mirror with a comment about the feeling of the clothes. You'd think the focus would be on what he looked like.

I didn’t bother with the breakfast that was prepared for me, my mother, my grandparents


The more grammatically sound way to write this would be:

'I didn’t bother with the breakfast that was prepared for my mother, my grandparents and I'.

I won’t be able to return for a number of days.


Tense slippage. It should be 'wouldn't'.

Also, I got the impression from the beginning that he'd be away for much longer than days. That seems barely any time at all.

I said with a half-heart grin, “It’s okay. It’s my fault for coming down here without warning. I was curious and wanted to see what was down here.” I moseyed over to the container, gazing at the black smoke floating inside while arching a brow. “So, what’s inside of this thing?”


These unnecessary dialogue tags really slow the conversations down. When you place them before the dialogue, it feels like the characters have missed a beat and are responding too late. Only use dialogue tags when it's key to clarify who is speaking. Scrap them otherwise; free direct speech is far more immersive.

However, when I tapped the glass, I was taken aback as I red figure bashed its’ fists against the inside.


1) Show us that he's taken aback, don't tell us. Specify his actual reaction rather than summarising it. For example, you could have something like:

I tapped the tube, then lurched backwards when red fists thumped against the inside of the glass.

With this, we get a better picture of his response, and from it we can infer that he's been surprised. It's a small detail, but it does make a difference.

2) The possessive form of 'it' is just 'its', with no apostrophe.

Sneering its’ glowing yellow eyes, the creature bared its’ fangs and snarled. It shouted angrily, “Release me, humans, and I’ll be sure to make your deaths slow and painful!”


You don't need to tell us it's shouting angrily. We can tell it's angry from the fact that it's shouting at all.

the engineer stated, having a mournful expression at the end of the sentence.


'Having a mournful expression' is a clunky way of putting it. Perhaps 'his expression turning mournful' would be better?

"...Please, return to your seat as we prepare to dock and before we do, I would like to say to all of you is welcome to Earth.”


Messy sentence. Did you mean to say: 'before we do, all I would like to say is welcome to Earth'? Given that Mishima is the only passenger, it doesn't make much sense for them to say 'all of you'.

It was a windy day as the breeze caressed through my raven hair.


Again, another strange use of 'as'. It makes it sound like it was a windy day because the wind is caressing his hair. It might be better expressed as something like:

It was a windy day, the breeze caressing my hair.

Sauntering out, my feet gradually walked across the red carpet and through the decorated hall.


Portraying a body part as the agent of a verb can be great when you want to give it a sense of autonomy (as in 'my hand leapt up and struck her face' - it suggests that the hand did it without the person's consent, and thus the person wasn't thinking about their actions), but I don't think it works here. The situation is too casual. It would be better if you just said: 'Sauntering out, I walked across the red carpet and through the decorated hall'.

Sticking (out) from behind the curtains was a leather boot with a steel spat and walking out was a tall man with long blonde (I don't think you have an 'e' on the end when referring to a man) hair and blues eyes who flashed a smug grin directly at me.


The syntax here makes it sound like the leather boot behind the curtains belongs to someone other than the tall man walking out. You need to re-express it. Putting it into two sentences would probably help the confusion, something like:

Sticking out from behind the curtains was a leather boot with a steel spat. Then the boot moved, and walking out was a tall man with long blond hair and blue eyes, who flashed a smug grin directly at me.

Just an example, but it helps illustrate what I'm getting at.

“I know were there, Ivan. All you’ve done is humiliate yourself with such a childish antic and here I thought you were oldest, but I guess I was wrong.”


If this is supposed to be a zinger of a comeback, it doesn't read like one. It's so convoluted I can't even work out what he's trying to say. Keep it short. Don't try and make him say too much or it just reads like he's lecturing him.

I watched him growl while feeling his hand grabbing me by the collar before cocking his hand back.


It's that part of the review where I start banging on about filter words. Filter words like 'felt', 'heard', 'saw' etc. are necessary at times, but they can create a barrier between the reader and the action, which is really not what you want in a moment like this. 'I felt a hand grab my collar' has less impact than 'a hand grabbed my collar', if you see what I mean.

Moreover, try to keep your sentences brief and to the point when writing conflict - when lines are too strung out, the pace seems to dawdle.

I angrily walked passed her


You mean 'past'. Also, rather than saying 'angrily walked', you could go for a more powerful verb. I stormed past her, I pushed past her, that sort of thing.

She chided with a calm demeanor, “You know, one of these days you are going to have to deal with Ivan and your snarky remarks aren’t going to protect you? When that happens when I won’t be around to save you, brother.”


Again, you don't need this dialogue tag. We know who is speaking, and we know she's chiding him from the dialogue itself. If you want to get the calmness in somewhere, maybe you could put the dialogue tag within the speech somewhere, perhaps like this:

“You know, one of these days you are going to have to deal with Ivan and your snarky remarks aren’t going to protect you," she said calmly. "And when that happens I won’t be around to save you.”

If you're going to use dialogue tags, try to align them with natural pauses in the conversation. This is often the end of a turn, or perhaps during a hesitation in the middle of their speech. It may just be me, but I almost always find it unnatural to read a dialogue tag before the dialogue itself.

“Come on. Let’s get moving before father grows weary from waiting for our arrival.”


This is a bit convoluted. Read it out loud - does it sound like something someone would realistically say? It doesn't to me.

Walking through the doors, we waltzed in and stood twelve feet away from the throne.


Why have two verbs describing motion within one sentence? Why not just say 'We waltzed through the doors and approached the throne'?

That was a question that’s been on my mind, and possibly the minds of my siblings also, since I have arrived. Many of us have assumed that father had finally decided to choose an air (heir) to the throne...


Tense slippage. Should be 'That was the question that had been on my mind, and possibly the minds of my siblings, since I arrived. Many of us had assumed that father had finally decided to choose an heir to the throne...'

Hearing that, everyone gasped hysterically, especially me as my eyes widened and my jaws nearly dropped to the floor. Then there was only silence, but that was only the beginning.


This is quite a weak ending to the chapter. It feels too melodramatic. Personally, I think you could cut this and just close with the king announcing that Yggdrasil is dying.

Overall Thoughts

1) The strengths in this piece are the pacing, the setting, and the premise. It's a well realised world and you're easing us into it quite gradually, by way of active scenes rather than just paragraphs of exposition - that's the best way to do it. The cliffhanger is highly intriguing and a great note to end the chapter on.

2) One of your weaknesses is dialogue. Some is okay, some is stilted and feels very much for the audience's benefit. Your characters are often awkwardly over-formal in places and jarringly informal in others, and I don't get much sense of an individual speech style from any of them yet. Remember to read all your dialogue aloud and try to distinguish each character's speech patterns, because that will give us a better sense of them as individuals.

3) I think you overwrite. A particular offender is with the dialogue tags. You constantly tell the reader who is speaking, how they're speaking, what expression they have as they're speaking, and it's just completely unnecessary. It slows the pacing of the conversations down and makes them feel like they're littered with pauses. You need to work on cutting out unnecessary words in the rest of the narrative, as well, because you do have a habit of phrasing things in an overly lengthy way. Be concise. Say as much as you can in as little words as you can.

4) I'd recommend you proofread your work thoroughly before you post it. There were a lot of typos and tense switches in this chapter, and they'd be easy enough to catch if you just combed through your work a bit more. Reviewers can't catch everything in a chapter this size, and it's good practice to get used to self-editing.

I'll call the review there. I hope this was helpful. I know I'm a thorough old stickler and I can be pretty harsh, but I'm just the same with my own work and I think it's the best way to learn. Despite my nitpicks, I'm still looking forward to the next chapter - I really want to know more about your interpretation of Yggdrasil and where the story is going!

Keep writing!
~Pan :D




kman134 says...


Overwriting has been a habit of mind. sorry if it gets on your nerves.



Panikos says...


Not at all, I'm here to help. :)




The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made.
— Groucho Marx