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Young Writers Society


Language Violence

Nevermore: A Hero's Rising - Chapter 2

by kman134


Night had quickly fallen onto the farm. Gabriel was in the old barn with a lantern on one side to shine him some light while sitting on top of a stepping stool.

The building was falling apart with much of the ceiling covered in holes while much of the wooden foundation was patched up with metal and screws. The only occupant within the barn was a lone old ox lying in a bed of hay while eating it.

He looked at the sword that was in his hand. He waited until he could carefully bring it into the barn without alarming his father.

Arching a brow, he said to himself, “Just what the hell are you made of?” Grabbing a hammer, he gingerly hit the blade and watched it vibrate as a blue glow flowed throughout.

The sight mesmerized the boy with eyes lighting up in both awe and wonder. It was made of a metal he was not familiar with and wished to take it to the local blacksmith tomorrow morning.

He stuffed it into one of the large blocks of wheat, tucking it in, so that no one would find it. Afterwards, he blew out the lantern and proceeded out of the barn, closing the door behind him and heading back into his family’s cottage. Compared to the barn, the house was in seemingly perfect shape, albeit with the patches on top of the roof and the cobblestone chimney cracking as smoke began seeping out of the creases in the middle.

“Welcome back, Gabriel. I hope you put everything away before coming in?” Gabriel turned and was met with the green eyes of his mother who was standing in front of the hearth, stirring a pot of stew in a gradual manner with a wooden spoon. Throwing another fire into the hearth, she added in a calm, yet commanding tone, “Make sure you wash up before coming for dinner. Also, if you see your father, tell him dinner is almost ready.”

“Okay, mother!”

Gabriel sauntered back outside and headed to the well behind the house. After he finished, he returned through the back, only to find his father sitting on his bed with an open wooden box on his lap.

“Mother told me to tell you that dinner is almost ready,” Gabriel informed.

Putting the box to the side, Gabriel’s father turned his head towards his son, having a somber expression with his eyebrows raised and his mouth creasing.

Letting out a sigh, he rubbed the back of his neck as his shoulders slouched. He answered, “Alright, son. Tell your mother I’ll be there in a minute.”

Arching a brow, the boy asked, “What are you doing?”

“Just looking through the mementos my father had given to me, a long time ago.”

He hands the box to his son and one of the contents Gabriel picked up was a red rag with a golden symbol written in strange scribbles.

Looking back at his father, the boy inquired, “What is this?”

Standing up off the bed, his father pointed and explained, “This is a token from our homeland of Sino. My father told me that it is suppose to mean ‘prosperity’ in our native tongue.” His face frowned as his gaze became bleak. “Unfortunately, that is all we have left of our homeland as it is now lost to us.”

“What happened to it?” Gabriel asked.

“My father told me that, a long time ago, our kingdom was at the height of peace and prosperity, living in a golden age that would last for a thousand year. That is, until the demons of iron and oil came, and turned the lands barren as they poisoned the soil and lakes while slaughtering our people. Those who survived fled and never returned.

When the demons disappeared and peace was finally given back to the world, many of our people had lost their way home and could no longer returned to Sino. Our family soon found their way to the Empire on the other side of the world and it was then that we made it our new home,” Gabriel’s father had finally finished. However, expression was left unchanged and remained in a somber gaze.

“Do you think we will ever return home to our land?” Gabriel said.

Pursing his lips, his father shook his head and answered, “I doubt it.”

He placed the box back under the bed and left the room, telling his son, “Come on, son. Let’s not make your mother wait for her stew to get cold.” He smiled at the end of his playful remark.

All three sat around a small circular wooden table with wooden bowls of barley stew with chicken cutlets in front of them. After they had finished, the whole family went straight to bed early to get a good night’s sleep for tomorrow morning.

The next day came and the sun was barely up in the heavens as its morning as the red and gray-pink light it cast still shined across the lands. Gabriel and his father drove up front on a wagon with their ox, pulling it by the reins, as the wheat they had harvested was stacked symmetrically in the back. They drove for an hour from their house to about a mile until they reached the town of Penshaw.

The town was small with many of the houses made of wooden and stone with the roofs covered in hay. Gabriel and his father passed by building to building before stopping at the local market.

“Joseph! I see your harvest came in pretty nicely!” stated one of the vendors. Getting off the coach, Gabriel’s father sauntered over and began conversing with the fruit vendor.

“Indeed it has, Malachi, and it’s all thanks to my son’s help I was able to harvest it all so quickly,” Joseph stated. Then he continued, “Hopefully, this will earn enough to satisfy that old windbag’s ridiculous taxes.”

However, the old man Malachi shushed in panic. Furrowing his brow, the old man whispered, “You can’t say that around here at the moment! Didn’t you hear?! Emperor Sigmund had just sent his paladins to scour throughout the imperium! Apparently, there’s a rumor that they’re hunting down conspirators who are planning to overthrow the monarchy. So, they’re going from town to town, searching and bringing those cretins to justice!”

Meanwhile, while his father was busy talking, Gabriel searched through each and every wheat bale for his sword while taking them down to the stand. After bringing down the last one, he managed to find his sword and quickly headed to the town’s blacksmith without telling his father.

Tucking the sword under his tunic, he strolled over to the other side of town without alarming the local guard. Finally, he reached the smithy without causing trouble. That was a close one. He wiped the sweat from his brow before walking in.

The sight of sparks flying in the air brightened the shaded room as the blacksmith hammered away at his latest work.

He noticed the boy’s presence and stopped. He questioned in a gruff tone, “Yeah, what do ya want! Can’t ya see I’m busy, ya git?!”

“My name is Gabriel Yu and I need your help,” the boy introduced himself before pulling out the sword. He presented it to the blacksmith. “I found this sword out in the fields and don’t know what sort of metal it’s made of. I have money and can pay you if that’s what’s required.”

Seeing the sword, he gave the boy a suspicious glare as he was taken aback. He stated, “Normally, ah would turn in peasants with weapons over to the authorities but since ya got money, ah let it slide.”

“Hand the sword to me,” the blacksmith ordered calmly.

The blacksmith slowly grabbed the sword with both hands and placed it on top of the anvil. Moving it close to his face, he examined the blade with one closed and when he placed it down, he quickly grabbed the hammer and struck it against the blade, becoming mesmerized by its reaction. This left the man baffled with his mouth agape at the sight.

“This is amazing! Neither bronze nor steel, ah have never seen a metal such as this in my life! Even after hitting it with my hammer, ah’ve never seen a sword react like this before!” the blacksmith remarked. He handed the claymore back to the boy who was just as baffled as he was.

20 minutes later, the boy returned to the wagon and saw his father waiting for him at the stand. However, he could tell he was not happy.

Walking up to his father’s stand, he smiled meekly and said, “Hello, father. Have you made any sales lately?”

“Yes, I did. I sold three bales of wheat to a brewer earlier ago. Where were you, son?! I turned around and saw you had disappeared!” he questioned.

The boy’s façade faded into a frown. He showed his father the sword and he became furious. Joseph shouted with gritted teeth, “Do you have any idea what will happen if the local guards, or the lord’s men, discover you have a sword?! They’ll lock you up, or worse!”

“I know, father. I found it in the fields and was just curious of what it was made of. So, I secretly went to the local blacksmith to see what it was made of, but even he didn’t know,” Gabriel explained. He tried making eye contact with his face, but was too afraid to do so.

“What were you planning on doing with the sword after finding out what it was made out of?” Joseph inquired. His ire did not fade.

Rubbing the back of his neck, the boy gave his honest answer, “I was hoping to sell it to a merchant and use the money to help improve the farm.”

Finally, his father’s glare disappeared as he let out a sigh. However, before he could say anything, they heard someone screaming. Smelling the scent of burning hay and wood, Gabriel and his father looked back and saw the town was on fire while the townspeople ran for their lives.

“Run, everyone! Bandits!”

Riding on horseback, twelve men dressed in beaten and rusty armor drew their swords and flails and began terrorizing the town, setting fire to the local establishments and striking down anyone who got in their way.

“Kill all the men, but take the women and children! They’ll fetch a nice price in the black market!” shouted one of the bandits authoritatively.

The local guards retaliated. Drawing their swords, they struck at the bandits with fury. Unfortunately, they were outnumbered by six to twelve and were quickly taken down by their foes, taking delight in their screams of agony and woe while feeling their opponents’ blood drenching their faces. Luckily, the townsfolk were quick to react as they retreated to their homes and gathered whatever they could use as a weapon to defend themselves.

Gabriel and Joseph lent a hand. However, Joseph stopped his son before he could proceed.

“What do you think you’re doing?!” Joseph shouted in a puzzled tone.

“I want to help, too!” Gabriel stated straightforwardly. He was gripping the handle of his sword as he held it up.

“Absolutely not! You’re 15-years-old and it’s too dangerous for a child to fight in a man’s fight! Besides, if anything happens to me, I need you to take care of the farm!” stated Joseph with a hand on his son’s shoulder.

Unbeknownst to the farmer, a spear soon pierced right through Joseph’s shoulder. He screamed in pain as he cringed and collapsed to the ground. Gabriel’s eyes widened in horror at what he had just witnessed, stammering as his mouth fell open. Looking up away from his father, he was met with the sadistic grin of a bandit who was staring at him as well.

Tears fell from the boys’ eyes. He knelt down and dropped the sword to the ground. He held onto his father and murmured, “Father!” in a gasping manner.

“Oh, I’m sorry! Did I just kill your father?! Oh well, that’s life but lucky for you, we’ll be able to give to a loving new home…as long as your buyers pay the right price.” The bandit got off his stead and marched over, reaching a hand and attempted to abduct the boy.

Gabriel glared at the bandit and quickly snatched the sword, swinging it and slitting the bandits’ neck, watching him fall to the ground and squirm as blood began to seep out. Gritting his teeth, the boy gently placed his father down and stood up on his own two feet. Just then, the blade of the sword glowed brightly through the lines, much more than it did before.

Unfortunately, Gabriel’s action caught the attention of the others.

“Get that kid!” ordered one of the bandits. The horses charged at the boy.

Holding his sword up and keeping a tight grip at the handle, Gabriel was ready to fight as he stood in front of his father’s comatose body. Suddenly, he heard a voice from out of nowhere. Take the sword and swing it before they come any further! He did what the voice commanded and swung it with all his might when, out of a blade, a wave of blue light emanated and struck three of the bandits down.

“What the hell?!” Screamed one of the bandits.

The bandits halted their assault as they turned to their fallen comrades. The three comrades were covered in burns, wreathing in pain while boils appeared all over their skin. Horrified at the sight, the remaining bandits retreated, leaving the town in such haste while leaving the bodies of their comrades behind.

Once the sword’s glow had faded, the boy snapped out of his days awoken to hear the sound of cheers and praise as the surviving townspeople surrounded the boy in applause. At first, he smiled and thanked them for their appraisal. However, his smile faded when he realized something.

“Father!” he gasped. He turned around and knelt down, holding onto his father’s body. However, when he placed his ear on his chest, he smiled as he felt his father’s hand pat him on the back.

“I’m sorry to interrupt, boy, but you are coming with us.”

Gabriel turned and was met with two of the constables who were battered and bruised. They apprehended the boy and dragged him away, confiscating his weapon as they brought him to the town’s prison. Gabriel didn’t put up a fight and went with them peacefully. He knew why he was being arrested and didn’t care. All he cared about was that the whole ordeal was finally over.

Gabriel turned and asked, “What about my father? Will he be okay?”

One of the constable assured, “Don’t worry, kid. The town’s apothecary will heal your father as good as new, which is good because you’re going to need a witness for your trial.”

---------------------

The sound of clattering horses trotting up through the forests echoed throughout the trees. Riding on horseback, seven of the emperor’s paladins stood on top of the hill as they surveyed the landscapes.

They were dressed in steel plated armor just like any knight with gold symbols engraved all over, a blue tunic over their chest plate, and an insignia of a phoenix branded on the front.

“Well, this is the last town in the eastern region. If they don’t have who we’re looking for, it will take us another three days to reach the western region,” stated one of the paladins.

“Sometimes, I wonder why the emperor, or any of the royals, continues listening to that witch and sending us on this wild goose chase,” remarked another paladin irritably. “What’s the name of this town?”

“Penshaw.”

“Sounds like a hick town.”

Then one of them point and said in bewilderment, “Hey, isn’t that smoke coming from over there?”

All seven of them turned northwest and were surprised with their eyes widened to see a cloud rising a mile away. Pulling out a spyglass, one of the paladins looked through with his eyes raised.

“So, what do you see, Sir Andrew?” asked the second paladin.

“You won’t believe, but the town we’re looking for is on fire,” Sir Andrew stated.

The fourth paladin’s frowned in shocked. He interjected, “Well, we need to go down there and do something about it. There might be people in trouble.”

“Calm down, boy. It’s probably just another bandit raid. This stuff happens when you live in the east. If it was an enemy assault, or a drag raid, then we will intervene, but we’ll just leave this to the constables or the local guards,” said Sir Andrew as he waved a passive hand without taking his eyes off his spyglass.

As he continued looking, he discovered that there were no bandits in the vicinity whatsoever. He saw that they had already fled in terror, 20-feet-away from the town at high speed. Turning back, he watched as the town constables were dragging a young boy with black hair and green eyes away. He noticed boy’s back and saw a large bloodstain in the form of a raven, and the paladin’s face fell in astonishment.

Turning around to his men, his jaw nearly dropped to the ground as Sir Andrew grimaced. He said in a straightforward tone, “I t-think we might have f-found the right place.”


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Sun Jun 25, 2017 6:53 pm
Elijah wrote a review...



Hey there, Eli here from Team Marlins for a lovely review on this review day for you!

This part is actually even better than the last one. The way you connect the legendary story about the creatures of metal and iron makes it more thrilling. Now, we have a connection between our main persona and the telling of the oracle! Before, it was just a random boy used in the telling who is told to save the whole kingdom but now it makes more sense after the father explains us a bit more about their past and their old lands that do not exist anymore. It is good to add in some good past events and connetions with the present so make the story deeper. Anyways, finally he is found! What might happen next? Maybe he will be given to the King and be treated as a hero before even saving anyone? Or maybe caught by someone else and treated like a bandit? I am very interested in seeing what is going to happen, and most importantly, whose voice is it the one that told him to swing that heavy sword? It was amazing scene, by the way. I love the details you added involving the big sword the boy got.

And I am even more amazed at the fact that he is only 15 years old which makes the struggles even bigger and heavier for him, just liek the sword ha? Anyways, poor father! I hope he does not die. Though if he does, it will have a big impact on the boy and make him get stronger once again.



Gabriel was in the old (old what?) with a lantern on one side to shine him some light while sitting on top of a stepping stool.

Gabriel and his father drove up front on a wagon with their ox, pulling it by the reins,

“Indeed, (no need of that comma) it has, Malachi, and it’s all thanks to my son’s help I was able to harvest it all so quickly,”

However, the old man Malachi shushed in a panic.

Smelling the scent of burning hay and wood,


Keep on writing!




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Thu Jun 08, 2017 2:43 pm
Panikos wrote a review...



Hi, kman134! Back again to fry up another review.

I've been meaning to review this for a few days but I've only just got round to it. Reading this chapter, it's clear that pacing is one of your strengths - you have a light touch when you move from one scene to the next and you never dwell on anything for too long. I also like that the focus of this chapter is very much on Gabriel. It's good to get insight on his home and family life before it all gets turned upside down.

I'll work through the piece chronologically for this critique, same as I did in the previous review, then close with some general points. Here we go.

The building was falling apart with much of the ceiling covered in holes while much of the wooden foundation was patched up with metal and screws. Lastly, the only occupant within the barn was an old, lone ox lying in a bed of hay while eating it.


I don't like the use of 'lastly' - it's strange to read. I don't think it needs it. Also, it's ridiculously nitpicky, but I think the order of adjectives is off in the second sentence. Rather than 'old lone ox' I think it should be 'lone old ox'. There's this unspoken order that adjectives appear in (general opinion, specific opinion, size, shape, age, colour, nationality, material) which we mostly don't think about, but language stuff aside, I think 'lone old ox' reads better than 'old lone ox'.

It took him all day to carefully bring it into the barn without alarming his father.


All day? Why did it take all day? Wouldn't he just wait until he could slip away and carry it into the barn?

It was made of a metal he was not familiar prior to his knowledge


This reads a bit strangely. I feel like 'it was made of a metal he wasn't familiar with' would be more clear.

“I better hide this thing somewhere that no one else could find it. Don’t want to cause trouble with the lord’s men if they discover what I have in possession.”


I dislike this bit of dialogue. You get away with it when he first talks to himself, but this bit feels like he really is just speaking to the audience. There's no reason for him to say it either.

to remain inconspicuous, so that no one would find it


I'd delete the bold and have the line as: 'He stuffed it into one of the large blocks of wheat so that no one would find it.' It's more concise.

The next day came and the sun was barely up in the heavens as its morning as the red and gray-pink shadow it cast still shined across the lands


This is quite a convoluted sentence. I can't figure out what it's trying to say. How can the sun cast a shadow? Are you trying to say that the sun rose and cast grey-pink light across the lands? It definitely needs re-expressing.

“Do you think we will ever return home to our land?” Gabriel said in a quizzical manner.


You tend to clarify too much. You don't need to tell us he's being quizzical when we already know he's asking a question.

“This is amazing! Neither bronze nor steel, I have never seen a metal such as this in my life! Even after hitting it with my hammer, I’ve never seen a sword react like this before in my life!


The repetition makes this a bit weird to read. I wouldn't use 'in my life' twice so soon after each other.

I'm also a bit confused as to why the blacksmith didn't react suspiciously when Gabriel brought the sword in. If Gabriel is at risk of being arrested for owning it, that surely means swords are illegal, right? Wouldn't the blacksmith want to know how he'd come to have it in his possession?

a loud scream was heard


The passive voice reduces the impact of this. I feel like it would be better if you changed it to the active voice - e.g. 'they heard someone screaming'.

“Kill all the men, but take the women and children! They’ll fetch a nice price in the slave market!” shouted one of the bandits authoritatively.


If they're intending to sell the villagers to slavers, surely they would want to capture men too? The men seem to be the labourers in this society, so I'd expect them to be stronger and fitter and much more viable as slaves. I'm sure they'd fetch a better price than children would.

you’re going to need a witness for the trial you’ll be receiving.”


Do you receive a trial? I'd expect him to say something like 'you're going to need a witness for your trial'.

Overall Points

1) Expression. You can be a bit clunky with how you express things, often using more words than necessary. I don't know if you read your work aloud already, but that would definitely help in spotting odd bits of expression in your work. Always opt for the simpler way to express something if there is one, at least in the narrative sections. Dialogue can be a bit more rambly given that it's supposed to reflect human speech.

2) Dialogue. There's two things to say about this. The first is that your dialogue sometimes reads as...I don't know, too formal? It doesn't differentiate enough from the narrator's voice, which means it doesn't feel very realistic. Speech in stories obviously isn't like speech in real life, but it should still have a flavour of it. It could stand to be choppier, more colloquial, less measured. Reading dialogue aloud can help you figure out whether it's realistic or not. It can also help to have conversations with yourself, impersonating your characters and testing out different responses before you write any of it down. It might make you look a bit mad, but it's worth it.

The second issue is that you surround your dialogue with too much support and clarification. You have a particular habit of notifying your reader when a character is about to resume speaking. For example:

“This is a token from our homeland of Sino. My father told me that it is suppose to mean ‘prosperity’ in our native tongue.” His face frowned as his gaze became bleak. He continued, “Unfortunately, that is all we have left of our homeland as it is now lost to us.”


Presenting it to the blacksmith, he continued, “I found this sword out in the fields and don’t know what sort of metal it’s made of. I have money and can pay you if that’s what’s required.”


remarked another paladin irritably. Then he asked, “What’s the name of this town?”


The truth is, this just isn't necessary. You don't need to alert the reader that they're going to speak a second time - we can tell that from a) the context and b) the fact that you haven't started a new line. Reminding us just slows the dialogue down.

3) More detail. I don't think you have that much tangible description. You completely gloss over the bandits burning the village, never stopping to describe the smell of the smoke or the heat or the crackling sound of it, so as a reader I don't really feel transported to the scene. You don't need do much description - a little goes a long way - but you definitely need more if you want the scenes to be evocative.

I think I'll call the review there. The story is moving in a great direction and it's been paced very well so far; it's just a matter of tidying up your prose and making sure that every word is purposeful. I'll definitely be on the lookout for future chapters.

Hope this helped! PM me if you've any questions.

Keep writing! :D
~Pan




kman134 says...


Women and children fetch a better price for non-labor reasons.



Panikos says...


Even so, would they not still want to sell men for labour as well? It just seems a bit much to kill ALL of them.



kman134 says...


They would, but male slaves aren't worth much in the black market, unless they're exotic like a male elf or drag (drah-g) for various purposes.



kman134 says...


Which reminds me, i should change "slave market" to "black market".




There are three rules for writing a novel. Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.
— W. Somerset Maugham