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Nevermore: A Hero's Rising - Chapter 1

by kman134


The moon’s light illuminated the night sky over the Imperial Capital as a great parade marched throughout the streets. Dressed in their lavishing attire and ornamented jewelry, many of its denizens cheered for the floats that were passing by on the cobblestone roads, symbolizing the prosperity and wealth the Empire had obtained in the last seven hundred years while tents stood erect throughout the streets, serving food and games for every patron. Many of them watched on the streets, waving their hands with awe and amazement while others watched through the windows of their homes made of gray stone and mortar. This was the parade celebrating the coming of the Summer Solstice, which was a time that brought luck and fortune to the Imperium.

Within the center of the city lay a palace that stood 20 meters in height with its square structure stretching 3 miles in its area. The roof was covered in blue tiles while the walls were the color of ivory with the windows arched and the sashes made of gold.

Walking down the hallway, the vizier passed through oak door after door, ignoring the decorated walls that were covered in magnificent portraits of each member of the imperial family, until he reached into the throne room where he saw the emperor gazing out at the window and watching the spectacle that occurred below.

He was a tall, burly man in his middle age, having short black hair with gray sideburns, pinkish skin with crows’ feet and wrinkles, and brown eyes. He was dressed in red, wearing a long cape with white fur on the back and a gold crown covered in jewels.

“Marvelous, is it not? Better than last year, I do believe,” the emperor commented. Hand on his back and a smile on his face, he didn’t bother to turn and face his vizier to know he was present.

Nodding his head, the vizier confirmed as he adjusted the frames of his glasses. He replied, “Indeed, your majesty. However, I fear that this might diminish our budget in the treasury to a certain degree. The taxes are wading thin and the empire hasn’t had a war in quite some time. So, we have to be cautious with how much we’re putting into this festival.” Then he heard the emperor laugh.

Turning around, his majesty walked up and patted his vizier on the shoulder. “You must relax, old friend! This is a time of peace. We shouldn’t be thinking of war,” the emperor remarked in a jocular manner, laughing with his shoulders shaking.

“Pardon my intrusion, your majesty.”

The emperor and the vizier turned to the door and saw the great oracle Cassandra sauntering in.

She was a young woman with long violet hair and fair peach skin. She wore nothing but a white translucent leotard made of veils that were held together by three gold rings and a pair of white slashes each tied by her wrists and ankles at the end. On her face, she wore a green visor with the temples attached to a small metallic square that was connected to the sides of her head.

Stopped in the center of the room and bowed her head in the presence of his imperialness. Then she continued, “I must have a word with you.”

“What the hell do you think you are doing here, witch?! You dare have the audacity to demand an audience with the emperor without his highness’s permission is just plain arrogance!” the vizier admonished. Cassandra remained still, unmoved by the advisor’s words, as she remained indifferent.

However, before he could continue on, the emperor raised his hand and silenced his advisor. “That is enough, Roland. If the oracle has come uninvited, then it means that she has a message of the utmost importance,” he stated. He remained calm and firm. His face changed from a smile to a stoic demeanor.

“Indeed, sire. I have come baring bad tidings for I have received a premonition that our greatest fears will once again rise from the ashes. The metal monsters are returning,” said the oracle. Her tone changed from calm to sorrowful in a heartbeat.

The emperors’ face dropped into dismay and so did the vizier’s as well. Beads of sweat fell from his face as his hands started to shake in fear.

“How can that be possible?! The ancients destroyed them in the war!”

Then the vizier smiled, breaking his shocked expression with a laugh, “Calm yourself, my liege. The metal monsters are but an old fairy tale told to teach little children to behave. This witch is merely frightening us to go into mass hysteria, probably for some nefarious purpose of her own!” His voice soon rose at the end while pointing an accusing finger at the oracle.

Gritting her teeth, Cassandra became furious as she growled. Taking a step forward, she hissed in anguish, “Bite your tongue, boor! All that I say is true and what possible outcome would I gain from deceiving the emperor?! My body and soul belong only to the imperi…”

Suddenly, she gasped and collapsed onto the ground, wreathing in agony as her body contorted. The emperor and vizier stood out of the way, albeit shocked and perplexed by the sight. However, they knew what was occurring before their eyes and they made sure not to disturb the oracle. Suddenly, like a marionette, the oracle stood up and danced. She twirled and twisted her body while panting excessively for air. Finally, she passed out on her back onto the oriental carpet; the green vision from her visors faded into black, but while in her comatose state, she spoke the most profound prophecy ever heard.

As darkness falls and iron rises, kingdoms will burn and all will suffer as the dragon of silver ascends from the ashes. Fate will soon cast a judgmental hand on man, yet from darkness will come light and a savior will come to shine. He will have hair as black as the night sky, eyes as green as agates, and on his back will be a dark-red raven with its wings stretched as far to his shoulders.

Cassandra ceased and laid motionless. The emperor immediately called for the guards and they carefully escorted the oracle back to her quarters. Alone with the vizier, once more, the emperor pondered on the situation with his hand caressing his beard and his eyes scowling into deep thought.

“What do we do now, your majesty? If that witch’s prediction is true and the metal monsters are returning, then we must take evasive action on the matter,” the vizier pointed out with widened eyes.

Placing his arms down, the emperor took a deep breath and exhaled. Furrowing his brow, he ordered in the most earnest demeanor, “Round up the paladins of the church and bring them to me. The oracle has given us our savior’s description. So, they will be sure to find him posthaste, either within the imperium or outside of it.”

------------------------

Morning sun began to rise across the valley with its light caressing the wheat that encompassed the fields. It stretched unevenly from the flat surface to the downward slopes, something that would be seen as unusual for a normal farmer, and had stopped at the local river stream that flowed down through the rocky area until halting inside of the thick forests that surrounded the grasslands up north of the terrain.

A scythe in hand and a heavy swing, Gabriel Yu had already started working on the harvest as he descended further into the fields, only stopping to pick up the stalks and tie threat around them into blocks. For being a young man, Gabriel was surprisingly enduring. His agate green eyes remained focus on his work as he retained a calm, diligent exterior that refused to break under the heat of the sun. He felt the wind blew against his face at such a powerful gust, causing his tanned tunic to flap as his black hair flowed against the breeze, yet he continued to work.

Suddenly, the blade of his scythe broke off and flew three feet away before hitting the dirt. Looking at the end, Gabriel’s teeth gritted before driving it into the ground.

“God dammit! Not again! That’s the third time this week!” he shouted.

“Gabriel, what have I told you about cursing the lord’s name in vain?” Turning his left, he saw his father standing behind him with his hazel eyes staring daggers at him. Compared to his son, he was the only one that remained calm at the moment.

He held a plow in one hand while throwing a handful of seeds in another after making a new patch. He continued, “You need to have patience, son. No matter how many times we patch it up, that scythe is old and was bound to break eventually.”

Letting out a sigh, the boy managed to calm down. Then he replied, “I know that, father. It’s just so frustrating that it keeps breaking at the wrong time.” Gabriel sat down next to the stick and dragged his hands across his face. Then he added, ‘I just wish we had more money to buy some new farming equipment.”

“I think the same as you. Unfortunately, with patching up leaky roofs, feeding the family, and paying the lord of these lands, getting new farm equipment would be difficult to acquire at the moment,” he stated with a sigh. Putting the hoe and bag of seeds down, Gabriel’s father walked up and pried the pole out of the ground.

He motioned over and picked up the blade before walking away, saying, “Why don’t you take over replanting the seeds, son. I’ll be at the barn batching this damn thing back together.”

After his father left, Gabriel resumed his father’s job as he sauntered over to the second field and began seeding the soil before moving on to the third and last one. Suddenly, when he drove the hoe into the ground, he heard something clanking against the steel.

“What the hell is that?”

The boy reached down and dug through with his hands until he found something metallic protruding out of the ground. He stuck his hand in and grabbed the handle, pulling as hard as he could with all his might. Finally, he managed to pull it out while staggering to maintain balance, but what he discovered was something unusual.

“It looks like a sword. What is a sword doing in the fields?” he examined.

Stretching about 60 inches in length and heavier than anything he had ever held, the sword resembled a silver claymore with a blue orb embedded at the hilt. Tracing throughout the blade were small lines that didn’t appear to be breaking apart, but looked to have been put together piece-by-piece like a puzzle game.

“Gabriel! Have you finished with the east fields?!”

The boy became alert when he heard his father’s voice. He carefully hid the sword into the seed bag and went back to tilling the soil.

“Yes, father! I’m almost finished!”

Once he finished, he grabbed the bag and proceeded to the next field until the sun disappeared under the horizon and nightfall took its place.


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Sun Jun 25, 2017 6:31 pm
Elijah wrote a review...



Hey there, Eli here from Team Marlins on this review day to give you a short but hopefully useful to you review!

Let's start with what I like hm? The action! The simplisity of things that you describe so well and make them stand out. I would still cut off some places where you give us a bit too much about the building and all of that. You can instead of that create a bigger sight and include more points of the view instead of giving us so much information about the walls or just one spot from the whole big scenery that we are having. We want more, not just one bit of the whole thing! It is interesting after all, it gives us some freedom to imagine but also limits to our imaginations. I am a bit fantasy fan and I am already dying to have the time to read the second part. This kind of stories really thrill me and even if not the shortest, they will are read so fast by me because they interest me so much.

My favorite part needs to be when the oracle told them what exactly is coming, and what exactly they need to be looking after. And one more thing that is the most important and I should not miss to tell you about. I love the idea that it is not a royale who will be our main. I know that it might be a bit overused someone poor and unknown to suddenly become a hero. But it is stil great to give the role to someone like a poor farmer, this was we can see the sudden change in their life. How they will meet the new world, so much bigger than their little farm. You have good list of words and I do not have the annoying feeling that you have overused a word which happens a lots with writers who take one word that they like and use it in each second sentence.


“But I must have a word with you.” (why but? she just came in, why does she need to add 'but' to her askings?)

The emperors’ face dropped into dismay and so did the vizier's as well.

Suddenly, she gasped and collapsed onto the ground, wreathing in agony as her body contorted.

Cassandra ceased and laid motionless.

He felt the wind blew against his face at such a powerful gust, causing his tanned tunic to flap as the black hair flowed against the breeze, yet he continued to work.

He held a plow in one hand while throwing a handful of seeds in another after making a new .He continued,

I’m the same with you, too. (this sentence is a bit off, I know that you meant though; why not say something like 'I think the same as you' instead?)


[color=orange] Keep on writing!




kman134 says...


If you're wondering why the vizier is so contempt with the oracle, it is because the oracle is a part of the Sisterhood while the vizier is a member of the church. the sisterhood are a more pagan-esque mystical group that train newly born oracles in honing their skills and are similar to the Vestal Virgins from Ancient Rome and are treated like witches by the church.



Elijah says...


I understand why they are like that with each other now, thanks!



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Sun Jun 04, 2017 9:02 pm
Panikos wrote a review...



Hi, kman134! Pan here to fry up a review.

I like this opening. It took me a while to settle into it, but once I did I started to really enjoy it. It reads easily; your style of writing isn't ostentatious and your pacing is pretty good, and the story, while a tad formulaic, does provide a good hook and a lot of scope for world building. The setting feels well established - somehow, the world feels tangible to me already, which is great.

I'm going to go through the piece chronologically and give my critiques. My first point, before anything else, would be to scrap the paragraph in italics at the beginning. It adds absolutely nothing to the piece in my opinion. It's too vague to be engaging and it doesn't really summarise any ideas I haven't heard before, and it just acts as a blockade to the action.

The moon’s light illuminates the night sky over the Imperial Capital as a great parade marches throughout the streets. Dressed in their lavishing attire and ornamented jewelry, many of its denizens cheered for the floats that were passing by on the cobblestone roads


You write in present tense for the first two sentences or so and then move to past, which is quite jarring. Just switch this quote to past tense and it'll be fine.

of their homes made of brick and mortar


It seems strange to include the bold considering that bricks and mortar are what most houses (at least in my country) are made of. If these homes were made of plaster or black stone or something more unusual, I could see the sense in mentioning it, but I don't think saying they're made of bricks is necessary.

Within the center of the city lied a palace


You mean 'lay'. 'Lied' would mean the palace had been telling lies.

I also agree with MuslimPen that you definitely overdescribe the Emperor. A paragraph is too much, and the effect is that I actually have more trouble picturing him than I otherwise might. Briefly outlining two or three key elements of his appearance would suffice as a description.

Hand on his back and a smile on his face, he didn’t bother to turn and face his vizier to know he was present as his eyes raised.


This is a bit of a mouthful. I think if you deleted 'as his eyes raised' it would probably be okay, but it feels like this sentence has too much crammed into it right now.

The way she dressed was very revealing, wearing nothing but a white translucent leotard


You shouldn't have to clarify that her outfit is revealing; we should be able to gauge that from the description. I'd scrap the bold. It's also worth mentioning that I think the description of her outfit is quite confusing as well - it's like you're trying to convey a very specific image, but in outlining the exact detail it becomes quite hard to picture. Sometimes you have to sacrifice specificity for the ease of the reader.

“What the hell do you think you are doing here, witch?! You dare have the audacity to demand an audience with the emperor without his highness’s permission is just plain arrogance!” the vizier admonished with venom on his tongue.


Two things. One: the bold is unnecessary, as we can tell from the dialogue that he's being venomous. Two: the vizier is very uncouth to her here, which seems strange to me. The fact that her appearance isn't particularly unexpected, and that the Emperor hears her out at all, suggests that she isn't overstepping her bounds that much. It also strikes me as odd that he'd speak so rudely in the presence of the Emperor, too.

“Indeed, sire. I have come baring bad tidings for I have received a premonition that our greatest fears will once again rise from the ashes. The metal monsters are returning,” said the oracle.


This is the point at which I went 'ooh' and was roped into the story. Good bit of dialogue.

“How can that be possible?! The ancients destroyed the metal monsters at the end of the ‘Great War of Metal’ seven centuries ago!


This is what I call For The Audience Dialogue. Everyone in the room would know about this monumental war, so it doesn't seem likely that the Emperor would mention it so specifically - at most, he might say something like 'they were destroyed in the war!'. The line at present only exists to fill the reader in on backstory.

she spoke the most cryptic prophecy ever heard.


You say it's cryptic, but it doesn't seem all that cryptic to me. It's basically just 'the world's in danger; one guy can save us; here's what he looks like.' Either make the prophecy more ambiguous or don't mention that it is cryptic.

He will have hair as black as the night sky, eyes as green as emeralds


Beware of cliché similes. You just about get away with 'black as the night sky', but it's not particularly original. 'Eyes as green as emeralds', however, is a definite no-no for me. I've read the comparison a thousand times. It never feels particularly accurate, either, as I don't think it's even possible for a human to have genuinely emerald eyes - the pigment is never bright enough. They could have agate green eyes, if you still want a gemstone comparison, but definitely steer clear of emerald.

“Round up the paladins of the church and bring them to me. The oracle has given us our savior’s description. So, they will be sure to find him posthaste, either within the imperium or outside of it.”


Excellent ending to the scene.

he retained a calm, furrow exterior


A bit confused by your use of 'furrow'. It's not an adjective. Do you mean 'furrowed'? Even so, it seems a strange way to describe an exterior. It'd be fine if you were just talking about the face.

“God dammit! Not again! That’s the third time this week!” he shouted, cursing under his breath in a fit of rage.


Again, it seems to be a habit of yours to tag on a description of the dialogue rather than just letting the dialogue speak for itself. We know he's enraged; you don't need to tell us. Trust in the reader to work out attitudes from the content of the dialogue alone.

Stretching about 60 inches in length and about 3.2kg in weight


This is so specific? It seems a bit clinical, especially to people like me who struggle to translate measurements into an actual understanding of the weight and length. Saying it's sixty inches is probably okay, but I think it would be better for you to just say it was heavy rather than giving an approximate weight. Because I really have no idea what 3.2kg translates to in regards to how the sword feels.

Anyway, I think I'll call the review there. I've been pretty picky, but I think this is good start on the whole. I'm intrigued for future chapters and will definitely keep an eye out.

Hope this helped! PM me if you've any questions.

Keep writing! :D
~Pan




kman134 says...


I made the vizier act so uncouth just to express is distrust and hatred for the oracle whom he sees as a treacherous witch, despite her not overstepping her boundaries.



Panikos says...


I do get that he distrusts her, but I still think there would be subtler ways to show it. And it seemed like he would care more about the Emperor's impression of him than he would about being rude to her. Your call though, of course. :)



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Sun Jun 04, 2017 8:36 am
MuslimPen wrote a review...



Hello, hello! I'm Dua, your own pen for the day, and I would love to review this marvelous piece.
****

If we were in search of the ultimate page-turner, sophisticated and picturesque piece of writing, this would definitely be it. For a second (No, it wasn't just a second, but it was throughout the whole chapter) I was drenched in the story so deeply that I forgot where I sat, who I was and the fact that I was reading from my laptop. I truly felt like a part of the story, for every image was wildly realistic and amazingly descriptive.

However, I had one or two points that I thought I could share with you. First of all, sometimes as I read on, I felt that you were hasty a little in delivering the moods. I say sometimes, because most of the story speaks and feels and screams the moods of the characters quite well, but it lacked that trait at some points. When the king was addressing his vizier, for instance, I couldn't see the movements of his face and his body.

You told us he spoke in a jocular manner, but we never really saw what you meant. Did that mean his cheeks wrinkle as he smiled? His shoulders shook as he laughed? Maybe only his eyes smiled, in sarcasm, because he was so little interested in the man's advises? You needn't give us outrageously excessive details about the cheeks and the movements of the lips, of course, but only one or two details could be just fine.

The second thing I noticed was this: You, I think, have described the attires a little too excessively. While some emotions weren't perfectly clear, the king's outfit was described in great details which I, personally, didn't see necessary. He was a king and we could imagine how fancily he dressed, so writing a long paragraph about that wasn't very necessary. I'm not talking about the whole paragraph, of course! But I'm saying that SOME details wouldn't be missed.

BUT!! I loved how you so simply described Gabriel's look. You mingled the looks with the wind, the atmosphere with the person. Now, THAT is what I'm talking about.

Oh, oh! One more thing! Is the story setting in the Ottoman Era? Because the word vizier is only said, I think, about the ministers in that era and I just needed to check, out of mindless curiosity.

Can I say something else? Oh my God, I'm talkative and I'm sorry that I'm writing almost as much words as you wrote up here. >.< But I just remembered one more thing... The oracle, yes! I know you categorized the piece as 16+ for her sake, probably, but I saw that the way she looked and how she wore wasn't quite necessary in your story, but that's only me. I'm a twenty seven years old adult, but I still shied away from it. I'm an idiotic woman/child like that.. Haha! And this means that you're excluding a great number of readers, because readers under sixteen would have loved this SO much, if it weren't for the oracle.

****
I'm done!! I'm sorry, for talking too much. I'm a weirdo, like that. Loved it, loved it, and I NEED you to write some more.

~Dua (^.^)




kman134 says...


The story is not set in the Ottoman Empire, but in a time where people have forgotten about the past and had to start all over in the very distant future.



kman134 says...


it's kind of like Shannara Chronicles, but without the magic and more mutations.




Who wants to become a writer? And why? Because it’s the answer to everything. It’s the streaming reason for living. To note, to pin down, to build up, to create, to be astonished at nothing, to cherish the oddities, to let nothing go down the drain, to make something, to make a great flower out of life, even if it’s a cactus.
— Enid Bagnold