Published November 11, 2008
Pain,
you can run all you want
but in the end its still there
the pain inside of you
you wishing for it to dissapear
but its still there
no matter what you do
you can cut your rist
or ignore it
but it still there
no matter what you do
the pain is always there
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139,639 Literary Works • 672,637 Reviews
this was really good. i'm kinda confused because i wrote on this before but i don't think i posted it because for some reason it's not on here. I wrote you a whole little 'thingy' explainin how i like your poem and the goods and bads odds and evens but i guess it didn't save... sry
This poem captures the jist of depression, but if you want it to really touch someone, I would add a lot more. there are a few spelling errors, such as "rist" should be spelled "wrist". I know that I have suffered depression, and this, to me, feels kind of like a mockery of it. If you want to really capture the pain and loneliness of depression, add a lot more detail to it and dont repeat yourself so much. i dont want to seem rude, and if i do, im sorry, but that is my take on things. i hope this helped you.
Okay, you have the basics down, but I believe that this poem could be great with some polishing up.
Work on your grammar some. I noticed several words that were misspelled. And others had the wrong word. There They're.
Add some more to it. Put in some more details and emotion. It could be great, it just needs some additions.
If you need a more specific review, or have any questions PM me.
Keep writing, and good luck in the future.
I agree with most of the users above me. It's a good basis, but it is very vague and somewhat bland. Try to spice up your word choice and add more emotion to it. Also, clean up your grammar mistakes.
Depression is a very powerful subject and there are a ton of ways to represent it through poetry. Keep cleaning this one up and you'll have a good work. (:
This is an extremely vague poem. What kind of pain is it, what causes it. It makes you cut your (w)rist, but why.
Your grammatical errors are not intentional by the looks of it and really distract from a poem that cannot stand any sort of mistakes.
Also, your poem three maybe four lines long. Everything else meaningless. Here is your poem.
the pain inside of you
you('re) wishing for it to disa(p)pear
no matter what you do
you can cut your (w)rist
but it(s) still there.
One stanza
I agree with the user above me. People like meat and potatoes! This wasn't anything but a salad dish. I am not trying to be rude, but if you changed the words around and just felt the poem and let it feel you then this could be great!
This wasn't a very strong poem. it expresses feeling, but i think you could add a lot more. i would say really add a lot more emotion and this could be amazing!
wow.
this poem is great
i love it..
my good friend suffers with depression
but truly i think every does.
some people just take it further then others and think things will never get better
maybe some are just more poisitve,
but anywho,,,,
great job