Ugly Monster

Hi there klenineWELT! This is Kays here dropping in for a review on an early morning. Let's start off by welcoming you to YWS! If you ever have any questions, don't be afraid to ask me or any other names in green or red. Without making this intro too lengthy, let's delve right in, shall we?

With delving right in, the first main problem that I found in this poem happens to be the use of emotion words, or to be more specific, the excessive use of emotion words. Anger, sadness, regret, anguish--all of these words are what I'm talking about and there are a portion of them especially for a shorter poem. The problem with this is that emotion words can only scrape the surface when actually portraying those emotions. The reader doesn't automatically feel anger or sadness because the author or poet says one of those words--that's not how emotions work.

Make us feel these emotions via figurative language, imagery, symbolism and other means that can be called poetic devices. There are two more emotion words: Emptiness and desire. There are also a few adjectives in here and I wanted to note that adjectives, even when strong don't have a lot on strong nouns and verbs. Work on that. The rule "Show, Don't Tell" can apply to poetry as well, and this is one of those cases. Show us the feeling of anger--don't tell us about it.

For example, what is the feeling of anger like? Is the feeling of anger a rag that's been doused in gasoline and lit on fire? Is the feeling of anger dwelling inside of 'you'? That's another critique I have--who is 'you' in this poem? Are they at all important? Is this is the speaker writing their own person as 'you'? I'm confused by that much. Looking past all of that, I can see potential in this piece. Looking past the awkward flow/rhythm of the poem and the rest of the emotion words and adjectives that hold this back from being more smooth or having more imagery, the middle or the body of the poem is actually my favorite part.

The part that starts on with the emotions twisted into one (in this case I can understand emotion words being used but even then these can be swapped for stronger emotion words or metaphors even) and continues with this beast or 'ugly monster' as called by the poem is intriguing. Now, make this even more interesting by adding more strong imagery and making this beast truly terrifying as to get the message across better that anger, sadness and regret can and will make an ugly beast. Work on this one, because this is a theme worth tackling and I believe that you're able to do this one right.

If you have any questions, don't be afraid to ask! Have any more review requests? Check out my Will Review For Food thread! I hope I helped and have a great day.

Hello, G here for a quick review

Firstly, I want you to know that I have reviewed little to no poems, so this may not be that helpful when it comes to critiquing your rhyming.

Secondly, I think it is great that you shared this with your class before putting it out here. This website is clearly filled with writers, readers, reviewers, etc. Regardless of their title, everyone on this website is aware of the dos and don'ts of literature, and what sounds good vs what doesn't. In a classroom situation, though, you have a mix of different people from different social backgrounds, ethnic groups, and friend circles. Some of these people may not understand poetry at all, while others may practically swim in a pool of haikus. Anyway, that being said, before I even read the poem I knew it was going to be good simply because you opened it up to the critiquing of people who may not be as skilled in the subject, which gives it an extra little bit of character.

Overall, I enjoyed this poem. There was no rhythm, which I didn't dislike, but it made the beginning a little difficult to get through. Once I was able to get through it though I realized that there was no one emotion that you were pin pointing. Now, whether you did that on purpose or you had a select emotion in mind, please let me know, because otherwise it was incredible how subjective your poem was! Each reader could have a different vision of which emotion you are describing, and not many authors can do that. So good job.

What you should take away from this, is that it was very good. This poem stirs some sort of emotion in the reader, but allows it to brew enough, but doesn't let it boil over. I suggest that you continue sharing your work with amateur writers, skilled writers, and even people who don't enjoy writing at all. It brings a type of flavor and individuality to work, and I believe that every good author/artist needs to pull their inspiration from all walks of life. Please message me when you upload a new work, I would love to read and review it

-G