The pencil in my hand is shaking nervously. I am trying to write a speech for my graduation. This speech has to be good enough so that my teachers and principal will me proud of me and I want it to be memorable. The only thing I have written so far is...
Hello my name is Rose Jones.
It is hard for me to think. This week has been horrible, Colton broke up with me. I don't want to talk to anyone else besides Kyle. When ever I was having a bad day or I just wasn't myself or I was having some problems he would always be there no matter what. But he isn't answering my calls or texts and I'm starting to worry because we have been friends ever since we were 2 years old. I am so tired today was a long day at school. Then after school I had track. I look at the clock, it is 10:22 pm and I am supposed to get some rest for tomorrow. I start to doze off and my head begins to fall towards my desk. I jerk my head back up. I have to finish my speech. I lean back in my chair and stretch letting out a big yawn. Then I sit back up and set my arm on the desk. Then I lay my head on to my arm and try to finish the speech. A few minutes later my eyes start to close.
The next morning I wake up I have a neck cramps. "Owww!" I yell as I lift my head up from desk. I must have slept here last night. I glanced at the paper with my speech written on it. It was done. I read over the speech but I still want Kyle to look over it. I must have finished it last night. I looked over to the clock and my neck cracks again. "Crap!" I yell. It is 6:40 a.m. and I have 40 minutes to get ready and drive to school.
It takes me 20 minutes to get ready and fix my hair. I want to look nice for graduation. I stand up and put my speech in my backpack. Then I walk out to the kitchen to make myself some breakfast. My parents are always at work. So I'm here alone.
After I finished my breakfast I put my dishes in the sink and run back to my bedroom to grab my backpack and my car keys. Then I rush down the stairs and out the front door. I run down the porch steps and realize that I left the door wide open. So I lock it and continue my daily boring routine.
The traffic was calm and easy to drive through. That surprised me a little for some strange reason. Today I just feel like the world is telling me something I just don't know what it is.
When I got to school it was 8:22 a.m.. Kyle still isn't answering me. I walk to my locker. I grab my speech and put the rest of my stuff in my locker. He is usually always here before me and waiting at my locker for me to get here. Last week we agreed to meet here 1 hour before everyone else so that we can hang out. I hope that he didn't forget. There is 1 hour and 10 minutes until I have to get ready for the graduation. I lean my back against my locker and start to call Kyle. As I begin dialing his number I hear footsteps running down the hallway.
"Hey Rose I'm sorry I am late. I couldn't call you beca-"
"Why?" I yell interrupting him.
"Can I finish?" I nod "Okay. Now I couldn't call you because my phone has been broken and I am late because my car wouldn't start."
"Why are you making excuses?" I don't care if it is an excuse or not I was worried sick about him any other time he always answers me.
"It's not an excuse. Look I'm sorry. How many times do I need to apologize?" He yells.
I didn't rely know what to say. The first tear slides down my cheek. Sometimes he scares me when he yells.
"I'm sorry Rose. What's wrong?" he asks concerned. I start to tell him about the speech and about Colton. "Slow down Rose I can't understand you."
"Okay. I am expected to write a graduation speech and I'm so nervous. I was worried about you because you didn't answer my calls or texts." I don't know if I could rely tell him about Colton it just breaks my heart what he did to me.
"I know and I am sorry, I rely am!" The second tear falls down my cheek. "That isn't all that is wrong, is it?" he asks with worry in his eyes.
"No........ I had a date with Colton two nights ago. He broke up with me. He said that I am not good enough and that I'm not worth it." I tell him as the tears start to fall down my face. I lean back up against the locker and slide down to the floor with my face berried in my knees, the tears won't stop. Then, Kyle comes over, sits next to me and pulls me into his arms like he always has. I lay my head on his chest. Being in Kyle's arms makes me cry even more. But he has always been there for me.
"Colton is a jerk and if he can't see how beautiful and kind you are then he sure as hell doesn't deserve someone like you!" he says in a stern voice. I look up at him with a smile and the tears seem to stop! Then I lay my head back on his chest. We have been through so much together. He was still my friend during my Gothic stage that lasted a year that was surprising. I only became Gothic because I liked this guy named Trent. When he asked me out Kyle didn't seem very happy but I sill said yes. We went out for a couple of months but then he broke up with me and I went straight to Kyle for comfort.
"You're always there for me, you mean so much to me but you don't have to lie to make me feel better."
"What do you mean?"
"By saying I'm beautiful and kind, because if I was, he wouldn't have broken up with me." He grabs my chin so that I have no other choice but to look at him. We are so close... closer than friends should be.
"DON'T YOU DARE SAY THAT!"
"Kyle, it's true."
"No it isn't Rose."
"Yes it is. If I was all those things that you called me then he would have actually said that he loves me when we were together!" Kyle looks shocked.
"Every girl deserves to have someone tell them that they love them. That someone should be someone that thinks that you are beautiful, kind, and so many other things"
"Kyle I-." I rely don't know what to say but before I can think of anything he pulls me in even closer and kisses me. My eyes just fall closed by the warm tenderness of his lips. Then he pulls away.
"I'm so sorry." He says trying to avoid eye contact with me. I don't know why but I was blushing bright red.
"Why did you kiss me?" I ask. Okay now that is a stupid question.
"It's not that hard to figure out Rose. I am in love with you... I have been in love with you for as long as I can remember!" he says still avoiding me. I don't know what to say again. I don't even know my own feelings anymore. Except for when he kissed me it was amazing. Oh no. I pull his face up to mine.
Is it possible that we could we actually be more? I only thought of him of my friend but now.... Everyone used to make jokes about Kyle and I dating but we always denied it saying that we were only friends. He was one of the cutest guys in high school but I never thought of him as ever loving me.
We are still very close. I wrap my arms around the back of his neck. Then I close my eyes and lean in and kiss him, but he pulls away. Oh no what did I do wrong?
"Why are you doing this to me?" he asks.
"I think I can do this," I reply.
"What do you mean you think?" He looks at me Heart broken.
"I-I mean be with you?" I'm confused I thought he would be happy and kiss me back.
"You th--" he snaps his mouth shut. "Forget it," he yells. All the girlfriends that Kyle has had just broke his heart because they thought that they loved him but they really didn't. I wasn't thinking when I said that. He stands up, grabs his stuff and shakes his head as he walks toward the guys locker room to get ready. But something inside me feels the same way about him as he feels about me.
I chase after him yelling, "Kyle, wait. I'm so sorry." I catch up to him and squeeze his bicep.
"What do you want, Rose?" he asks turning around and facing me.
"I want you Kyle, look I'm sorry for saying that, but the truth is that I really do love you." Looking into his blue eyes I feel like I am drowning in the sea! I study his profile to see if I can figure out what is going through his mind. His dark brown hair goes down just above his eyebrows. It's a little messy but very cute. He's been looking into my blue eyes for what seems like an eternity without saying a word. He takes his hand and tucks one of my red curls behind my ear. Then places his hand on the sides of my face.
"Rose, I love you. I have to be sure that you love me too," he says with those sparkling blue eyes. I smile, lean in, and give him a kiss on the cheek.
"Yes, Kyle, I do. I love you!" Next thing I know his arms around my waist pulling me in close to him. I love how close we are hoping we can be closer. I wrap my arms around the back of his neck looking into his eyes. I intertwine my fingers into his soft, dark brown hair. He leans in and kisses me. I don't ever want this to stop. I realize how much I really do love him. He is so strong that while we're kissing he lifts me up and sets me back down. I smile which ends up breaking our kiss.
"What time is it?" I ask. He looks at his watch and back at me.
"Time to go," he says with a gloomy look on his face. He leans over and gives me a kiss on the cheek. We have to get ready. "I love you but we have to go get ready. I will meet you in the gym." He turns away and takes a couple of steps toward the locker room then turns back around. "And knowing you, your speech will be amazing!" he said with a smile as he walks back down the hallway I turn the opposite direction and pick up my speech. Then I walk to the girl's locker room. I can't wait to see him at the graduation! I hope I don't run into any problems with Colton
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Hello there! Here to review your work for review day!
I will review as I read to make it have more sense for me and you. I tend to ramble on otherwise. Here goes!
The first thing I would say, is that you need to look at the length of your paragraphs. If you read your writing aloud, you will be able to hear when you should be starting a new para. New thoughts, or new scenery etc.
You also need to decide if you're going to be writing the whole thing in past or present tense because right now you're dabbling with a bit of both. Just choose whichever you feel most comfortable and natural with and it'll all work out just fine and dandy.
Where you write, "“After I finished my breakfast I put my dishes in the sink and run back to my bedroom to grab my backpack and my car keys. Then I rush down the stairs and out the front door. I run down the porch steps and realize that I left the door wide open. I walk back up to the door, close it, and lock it. Then I walked to my car, got in, and drove to school." - You're telling us every tiny little thing rather than letting us imagine it for ourselves. Just remember that we only need the important details, we can conjure up the rest on our own
“He was still my friend during my Gothic stage that lasted a year that was surprising.” - This made me laugh! You should try and use a little more of your comedy throughout the whole chapter!
“I smile which ends up breaking our kiss.” - I like this line. It's really sweet and endearing.
Overall - I think you have a good base for a story here. Will Colton come back into her life and make her question the decision she's made about Kyle? It's all a little exciting! I do think that you need to decide what the important details are and only include them. Your first chapter needs to be so FANTASTICAL that we can't bare to not read more. You don't want the reader to get lost in a pile of information that we don't really need.
Good luck! And I hope this helped!
Olive <3
thanks
Okay. This is quite well written! Besides a couple of comas that are left out, your sentence structure is pretty good and it flows well! (Note: If you are connecting a sentence with and, or, but, for, nor, yet, or so, and the sentence you are connecting has a subject and verb, you need a comma. For example, when you said, "I looked over to the clock and my neck cracks again", and since "my neck cracks again" has a subject and a verb, you need a comma before "and".)
However, I would say, just like whitneypaige did, that it moves really fast. You need more before you jump around like this. Introduce your characters! Who is Rose? I don't know. Who is Kyle? I don't know. We, as the readers, do not know anything about their past history, and their relationship development seems really sudden. Slow it down. This chapter could be put into two or even more chapters! Talk a bit more about Rose; talk about how she knows Kyle, and how long they have known each other, and what Colton thought about their relationship. You, as the writer, might know all of these details in your head, but the reader does not. We don't know anything about your characters, besides what you have already shown us. So, slow it down! Let their relationship develop!
Also, how will this first thing she said influence their relationship in the future? Things that are said stick with people in relationships. They don't blow over so quickly. Even if the couple pretends that the argument is over, and everything is fine, they could still be thinking about it.
This story is well written and if you take the time to let your readers get to know the characters and get to know the story, they have time to become attached to your characters. They will want to read more and more. So, keep writing! Good job with what you have now!
Hi there, I wanted review your chapter.
Good luck and keep up your writing! 
First thing is, that maybe instead of putting "...." That down when Rose says nothing, you should say something like I didn't know what to say, so I said nothing at all.
I feel like it moves really fast, no worries I do the same thing while writing my books. But I think you should try to slow it down a little. Take you time and describe the things that happen, why is he so angry? Why is she so upset? And then describe what she's feeling. things like that.
Next, maybe a few less explanation marks. Just because I guess I don't see them used that often in a book and you can use your words to tell how excited and angry they are.
All in all, I think you've got a really good start here