Untitled...What do I call this?

This is not about me.... I had a spur the moment writing ideas so I wrote them down. They are based on a book I'm writing...not me. I just randomly wrote them that's all just needed to write

I'm gonna say good things about this, and then some other stuff. I like the beginning of the poem very much. It's very sturdy, rhythmic, gives us a sense of direction of where the poem's going. You kind of lose it in the middle. Rhythm gets very choppy, inconsistent. I suggest rewording the poem, mentioning stuff that's a little deeper and not so cliche--we all know about the golden/pearly gates, we all know about St. Pete, we all know that we see family and friends when we die. What do "you" feel about it? Do you want to see an uncle that just passed away? A favorite grandmother? I don't know, but you do. Put some personality to this poem. Fake it if it's not there. You can do that for a poem. And I'd take a different spin on what heaven's like cause it's much more interesting on what you think it'd be like--some people say it's flowers, some people say it's Las Vegas. But create the image in your head first, THEN write it down.

All in all, not bad. But keep working at it.

EDIT: Oh and I have a funny name... maybe you'll like it. "Where Good Things Come To Die".

I'm not a poet....my fingers were just in a weird mood....

See, I told you so!

I told you this was fantastic! Yes, it is sad but it is really good! I may not be able to write poetry myself but I do know how to read it! Well done!

~FW~

ZOMG. This is really, really good.

Why does evil live?
And good seems to die?
We are like dust in the wind,
It’s just a matter of time.

We all have to go some time,
Our bodies are falling apart,
Turning into dust. Starting here, there are only three lines in the next few stanzas, compared to the first, four line stanza. It throws the reader and rhythm off a bit.

We were made to last forever,
To live on for eternity,
But instead we break down.

And crumble to the ground,
But our soul lives on,
Even when our flesh dies.

We go somewhere else,
Somewhere beautiful,
Where golden gates,
Welcome us home. I absolutely love this stanza.

Where we are reunited with loved ones,
Family and friends,
And the One who made all of us,
The One who holds us together.

kjr5horses wrote:Why does evil live? This is a good first line, but slightly abrupt.
And good seems to die? It should really be seems, but I won't go on about grammer.
We are like dust in the wind,
It’s just a matter of time,

We all have to go some time,
Our bodies are falling apart,
Turning into dust, Nice stanza.

We were made to last forever,
To live on for eternity,
But instead we break down,

And crumble to the ground,
But our soul lives on,
Even when our flesh dies, These three stanzas have one less line than the others. This makes the poem seem a little inconsistant, so I'd recommend changing this.

We go somewhere else,
Somewhere beautiful,
Where golden gates,
Welcome us home, Brilliant phrasing.

Where we are reunited with loved ones,
Family and friends,
And the One who made all of us,
The One who holds us together. Again, good phrasing. IT also makes a very good last line, with the finality.