The Heiur Blade (Part 4)

Chapter 4- Silhouette

It did not take long for Dustan and Ari to find people who knew of Faizah some even ran off at the mention of his name. Finally, they came across an older woman whose husband and grandchildren had been taken years earlier.

“Where did he take them?” Dustan was beside himself everyone either had run away or did not know or care where he was.

“I don’t know.” She replied her voice shaking.

Dustan clenched his fist and a muscle in neck twitched, seeing this Ari lightly placed her hand on his shoulder and turned to the old woman. Focusing on her, but all she could get were bits and pieces of random thoughts before her head started to spin. Ari pulled out of the woman’s mind quickly realizing it was of little use.

“Do you remember which way he went?” The woman looked off apparently trying to remember that dreadful day.

“They headed toward the coast.” She finally replied, sighing.

Ari and Dustan thanked her and quickly mounted their steeds and set off toward the coastal city of Iyun.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Soroush climbed up the spiraling stairs leading to his masters chambers. Countless cries echoed through the walls of the castle that night. He passed one of the only windows in the staircase. Looking out of it the moon shone scarlet between the dark treacherous mountains that surrounded the black castle. The window signaled that he was half way up the tower and it was the last window that he would pass.

Complete darkness surrounded him. The light form his torch barely gave him enough light to see the next step in front of him. There were over a hundred stairs in the tower, each one was carved out of black stone, and each carver of every one of the shadowy steps was imprisoned below the foundation of the castle, lost in the endless halls of the dungeon or killed just to entertain the dark lord.

Finally he came to a crimson door, the red stood out from the black around it. It had no handle and no one could open it unless the master did it himself. He waited patiently for it to open. A moment later it slowly opened revealing the evil lord himself, Faizah.

Faizah did not speak he stared down at his table looking over something, Soroush could not see his face and did not dare speak before spoken to. His master wore a black cloak that covered his whole body the inside of it was lined with crimson silk and the clasp that held it firmly in place was made of solid gold.

“I have an assignment for you.” Faizah said, his voice was cool and slick.

Faizah turned and faced Soroush, his gray hair was pulled neatly back it matched his insensitive eyes revealed nothing at all. They were soulless and cared for nothing.

“Yes my lord.” Soroush replied.

“I want you to find Ari. It’s been too long since her last visit.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

They had been riding for only a few miles when a dark hooded figure appeared along the road with his sword drawn. Ari and Dustan pulled Zyrian and Jheuri to a halt.

The figure started to walk towards them, Dustan and Ari drew their swords. The man headed straight for Ari, Zyrian pawed fiercely Dustan leap off of Jheuri and confronted the man before he could reach her. He stopped and looked at Dustan. His amethyst eyes were all Dustan could see.

“Move this is none of your business, this is between me and her.” he looked over at Ari who had now dismounted and was coming up behind Dustan.

“Who are you?” Dustan said harshly, holding his sword in a defensible position. Ari inched closer.

Maybe I can read his mind?

The man looked into Dustan’s eyes, “That is none of your concern.”

Ari pushed into his mind softly, she did not want this man to figure out what she was up to. Memories flew through her head, but only one stuck with her.

No there has to be a mistake. This cannot be right.

Ari’s mind raced and her heart felt like it was going to jump out of her chest at any moment.

Dustan looked over his shoulder. “What’s wrong-?”

Dustan did not get to finish his sentence for the man attacked him and made his way over to Ari before Dustan could react. Ari fought the man blocking his every move, but she could not bring herself to strike back, not after what she had just seen. Soon she was in a quick retreat; Dustan swiftly came up from behind and hit the man with the pommel of his sword, knocking the man down.

Dustan quickly kicked his sword to the side, and kept his blade on the man.

“Now who are you? And what do you want?”

“Teyh and this does not concern you. I am here for her.” Teyh’s looked into Ari’s eyes, his lavender eyes seemed to see straight through her, making her uncomfortable.

“I will talk to him Dustan you go collect fire wood or something.” Ari said as she bound his hands and feet with vines from a nearby tree. Dustan walked a short ways off to tend to the horses.

When he was out of sight Ari turned to Teyh, “I am sorry about what happened to your brother.”

“Why should you be sorry you were there.” his eyes were cold, he despised her.

I couldn’t have….worked for…..

He searched her eyes; they were not callused and bitter as before. Instead she seemed distressed and confused. This was not the same woman who has aided in the capture of his brother and slaughter of his family. Something had changed….but what?

“I do not remember ever being a part of something so… vicious.” She looked away in the distance trying to remember anything but the only that came was a headache.

“You mean you lost your memory?” he did not believe her, not for a second.

Why is she traveling with this man? What does she gain from this? What does Faizah gain?

“Yes…I know that you don’t believe me but it is the truth. Dustan found me in the woods whatever happened before that I cannot remember.” He looked straight into her eyes searching for a hint that she was lying but found none she was sincere.

Dustan broke through the tree line with the two stallions. The green hilt of his blade shone in the sunlight.

That’s it! He wants the blade!

“So what are we to do with him?” Dustan looked at Teyh, his violet eyes went back and forth between him and his father’s blade.

“He is trustworthy he was looking for someone and had mistaken me for that person.” Ari replied smoothly, she could not let Dustan know what she had just learned about herself, she did not even believe it herself.

“Alright let him go.”

Ari cut the vines and helped Teyh up. He brushed the dirt off of his cloak and looked straight at Dustan and his blade. He had seen the blade only once before.

“May I see your blade?” Teyh looked directly at Dustan; he needed to see the weapon for himself.

Dustan looked at Teyh wondering whether or not to trust him, finally he lifted the emerald blade from its hilt and handed it carefully to Teyh.

Teyh inspected the blade carefully, looking over every inch. It was like holding hope in his hands. He finally gave it back to Dustan.

“I am coming with you.” he announced after the blade was safely in its hilt.

“What?” Dustan could not believe it.

Am I going to pick up everyone I meet!

“I am coming with you.” Teyh repeated.

“Why? Only a few minutes ago you were trying to kill us and now you want us to bring you along?” Ari inquired.

Why the sudden change?

“That blade, it’s the only thing that can destroy Faizah.”

Dustan grasped the dagger’s hilt and looked at Ari and then back at Teyh.

“What?” Ari said shocked, she glanced at Dustan he looked even more shocked than she. Teyh on the other hand looked utterly confused.

“Wait you did not know?” Teyh continued to stare a Dustan every now and then glancing at the emerald blade. Dustan stared at Teyh, he did not trust him.

Teyh could not believe it Faizah’s top assassin and the man who held the one thing in the world that could kill him and they did not know what they had.

“Doesn’t everybody know the stories?”

“What stories?” Dustan asked irritated, taking a few steps closer to Teyh.

“There was a story that was told about a man called Dusoth with extraordinary abilities that saw how dangerous and brutal Faizah was becoming. So he made a blade out of the one thing that Faizah could not stand…Heiur. But before he could bestow it on someone that could defeat him, Faizah killed Dusoth, but before he died he passed the weapon on to his son and it has been passed on and hidden all these years.” Teyh finished with a sigh still staring at Dustan.

“What is Heiur?” Ari asked, Dustan looked confused and furious.

“It’s a metal or it was a metal there is no more of it and if there is any left no one knows where it is.” Teyh replied, still watching Dustan.

How did I not hear of this story?

Dustan stared at Teyh, was he lying or was he telling the truth? And if he was being truthful then how had he not heard of this story before?

“If this story was told to children how did I never come across it?” Dustan asked clearly frustrated.

Teyh looked at him blankly.

Where have they been?

“I don’t know have you been stuck in a hole for the last hundred years?” Teyh replied sarcastically.

Dustan glared at him.

How can he be so comical?

Teyh saw his frustration.

“Listen I don’t know why or how you have never heard of this story before. But now you have and know you know. So does it really matter know?” Teyh replied swiftly.

“He is right Dustan, we know now and that is all that matters.” Ari said glancing back and forth between the two. They were too much alike, she could tell that they would be fighting each other the whole way but they needed Teyh. She could tell that he was going to be useful to have around.

Dustan nodded, “You are right Ari that is all we needed to know and if you don’t mind,” He shifted his gaze over to Teyh, “we will be on our way.”

Dustan walked over to Jheuri and mounted the black stallion. Ari grabbed Zyrian’s reins and looked up at Dustan.

“We need him Dustan. Let him come. He will only follow us if we leave him here.”

“You think we can trust him?” Dustan stared at Teyh briefly before returning his gaze back to Ari.

“Yes. We can trust him.” Ari said keeping her voice steady, she did not trust Teyh completely yet but he seemed honorable enough.

Dustan nodded in agreement, and turned to Teyh and nodded yet again. Teyh ran into the woods immediately and suddenly appeared riding a crimson stallion with a white line than ran the whole length of his face like a streak of lightning.

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kjr5horses wrote:
Chapter 4- Silhouette


It did not take long for Dustan and Ari to find people who knew of Faizah#0040BF ">comma some even ran off at the mention of his name. Finally, they came across an older woman whose husband and grandchildren had been taken years earlier.

“Where did he take them?” Dustan was beside himself#004080 ">comma everyone either had run away or did not know or care where he was.

“I don’t knowcomma” #004080 ">she replied her voice shaking.

Dustan clenched his fist and a muscle in neck twitched, seeing this Ari lightly placed her hand on his shoulder and turned to the old woman. #FF0000 "> I read nd reread this bit, but something about the structure doesn't quite fitFocusing on her#004080 ">you didn't need the extre punctuation here all she could get were bits and pieces of random thoughts before her head started to spin. Ari pulled out of the woman’s mind quickly realizing it was of little use.

“Do you remember which way he went?” The woman looked off apparently trying to remember that dreadful day.

“They headed toward the coast.” She finally replied, sighing.

Ari and Dustan thanked her and quickly mounted their steeds and set off toward the coastal city of Iyun.

#FF0000 ">This whole bit is slighlty like game of tennis... The whole conversation is very back-and-forth with no real insight into how the character is feeling. You need to leave some things to the reader's imagination rather than telling them in the first place.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Soroush climbed up the spiraling stairs leading to his masters chambers#004080 ">comma countless cries echoed through the walls of the castle that night. He passed one of the only windows in the staircase#004080 "> and looking out of it he could see the moon shining scarlet between the dark treacherous mountains that surrounded the black castle. The window signaled that he was half way up the tower and it was the last window that he would pass[color=#FF0000 before what?[/color]

Complete darkness surrounded him. The light form his torch barely gave him enough light to see the next step in front of him. There were over a hundred stairs in the tower, each one was carved out of black stone, and each carver of every one of the shadowy steps was imprisoned below the foundation of the castle, lost in the endless halls of the dungeon or killed just to entertain the dark lord.

Finally he came to a crimson door, the red stood out from the black around it. It had no handle and no one could open it unless the master did it himself. He waited patiently for it to open. A moment later it slowly opened revealing the evil lord himself, Faizah.

Faizah did not speak he stared down at his table looking over something, Soroush could not see his face and did not dare speak before spoken to. His master wore a black cloak that covered his whole body the inside of it was lined with crimson silk and the clasp that held it firmly in place was made of solid gold.

“I have an assignment for you.” Faizah said, his voice #004080 ">you didn't need 'was' here cool and slick.

Faizah turned and faced Soroush, his gray hair was pulled neatly back it matched his insensitive eyes revealed nothing at all. They were soulless and cared for nothing.

“Yes my lord.” Soroush replied.

“I want you to find Ari. It’s been too long since her last visit.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

They had been riding for only a few miles when a dark hooded figure appeared along the road with his sword drawn. Ari and Dustan pulled Zyrian and Jheuri to a halt.

The figure started to walk towards them#004080 ">and Dustan and Ari drew their swords. The man headed straight for Ari, Zyrian pawed fiercely Dustan leap off of Jheuri and confronted the man before he could reach her. He stopped and looked at Dustan. His amethyst eyes were all Dustan could see.

“Move#004080 ">comma this is none of your business, this is between me and her.” he looked over at Ari who had now dismounted and was coming up behind Dustan.

“Who are you?” Dustan said harshly, holding his sword in a defensible position. Ari inched closer.

#008000 ">Maybe I can read his mind?#FF0000 ">who thinks this?

The man looked into Dustan’s eyes, “That is none of your concern.”

Ari pushed into his mind softly, she did not want this man to figure out what she was up to. Memories flew through her head, but only one stuck with her.

#008000 ">No there has to be a mistake. This cannot be right.

Ari’s mind raced and her heart felt like it was going to jump out of her chest at any moment.

Dustan looked over his shoulder. “What’s wrong-?”




I stopped here because it was taking quite a lot of patience to go through each and every bit. On the whole I think the storyline is good, but you have too much happening in succession. This can make it seem like 'and then they went here, and then they did that', in my opinion each little bit needs expanding slighlty. Also, we never get much description of the scenery; you began to describe in the tower and that was really good but then for some reason you stopped?

Hope my criticism didn't seem too harsh :)
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