The words in italics, are her memories, the sayings and encouraging words she has heard in her past, but she doesn't remember who said them. Bold italics are her thoughts. Alright, so this was written at 1am this morning....so its not completely edited yet But I am going to come back and fix them! Have fun rip it to shreds.
The impossible is possible, but your fear is so responsible.
Darkness was all that surrounded her. It ate away at her pelt, formed the ground beneath her feet and was the air she breathed. Most horses feared the dark, no, all horses feared the dark. Questions without answers swirled inside of the dark bay’s mind. One that would continue to go un-answered and haunt her every step, Why are we so afraid of the dark but hide from the light? She thought tossing her head.
Your unreachable is reachable, but you'll never grab the wonderful with your feet on the ground.
Temperance moved through the land, through the black that surrounded her following her feet. Something was calling her, beckoning her to the light, the hope that lived somewhere in this dark land. Why does pain make us stronger? The thought surged through her, slowing to a trot, Temperance took in her surroundings hoping that they would have changed. Nothing but complete darkness, had she even moved from where she had started? Sweat coated her hide and her breathing was faster than usual. She had been running for hours? Days? She did not remember.
You only fail if you never try. You'll never live trying not to die.
Was she dead? Lost in the underworld? Temperance spun around on her hindquarters creating a small hole in the black earth. Where was she? How did she get here? The mare could not remember. Launching forward she galloped hoping to cover more ground, to find the end of this darkness. Where was the light? There was always a light!
Don't ever stop, give all you've got. Don't hesitate, take a shot.
The appaloosa ran as hard as she could. Her hooves sounding like thunder as they hit the harsh ground. Looking ahead she hit the brakes. Sliding on her hind legs, dirt sprayed everywhere, rocks cut through her skin making her bleed. Regaining her balance she looked down. Light. It was what she was looking for, what she desired most of all. What she searched for day and night. The light within her. The chasm was deep, so deep one could not even see the bottom. A small spec of light was barely visible, should she jump? Take a leap of faith? Surely the light was better than this dark place?
Taking a breath Temperance closed her eyes and jumped. Down, down, down she fell. Her eyes closed, not a sound escaped her lips. The wind made it impossible to hear. Then suddenly-
If you fall on your face don't just leave it to fate. There is no such thing as too late.
Her heart pounded inside of her chest, sweat dripped down off of her muzzle. Getting to her feet the three year old appaloosa mare walked over to the river and jumped in cleansing herself. The nightmare came and changed every night. With every new moon it became worse, haunting her every step, her every breath.
Temperance, the name meant self-control. Something the three year old did not have. She longed for it. Control of any kind, of her emotions, fears, even her body did things she could not control.
You have to find the other side. So give it one more try and start over.
Light seemed to mock her. Laugh in her face. It was so beautiful so delicate and always within reach until she tried to grab it. No she was hopeless, dark, and without meaning or purpose. There has to be something worth living for. Tossing her head, Temperance walked through the dark forest following her feet. I am going to catch you one day light. She thought to herself, But when I do you will wish I hadn’t
Quite a beautiful piece actually; the way you create imagery within your writing is quite superb. The whole mare thing is really clever, I love how you've made her somewhat human, lending her complex thoughts and emotions so we relate to her more.
With the thoughts and memories, try to make it clear within the text what they are. I notice you've done that with the thoughts, but with the memories in italics, it should be clear what they are, without relying on a Spoiler at the top to tell the reader. If the memories are words that were spoken to her, then let us know. It just makes the story a little more clear. If they're supposed to be quite vague that's fine, but at least give us a hand as to where the words are coming from.
Your unreachable is reachable, but you'll never grab the wonderful with your feet on the ground.
You have to find the other side. So give it one more try and start over.
These memory lines break the rhyme scheme of the others, and I don't think they should. The whole piece would some much more poetic if every memory rhymed, and the little bits between paragraphs of a rhyming sentence just gives the story so much flow. Either all of them should rhyme, or none of them.
All in all, this was such a joy to read. Well done!
I really like this! I love the way you've written it, from the point of view of the mare. I found some of the sentences in italics a bit confusing at first, but in a way that can be viewed as a positive thing- it definitely kept me reading.
Maybe it would make them a little less confusing if you indicated what the sentences in italics were? (e.g. her thoughts, something she remembers)
But otherwise, I really loved the vivid images that reading this brought to mind. There are a few little things I would change, mostly small things such as extra commas etc.
She thought#FF0000 ">, tossing her head.
The thought surged through her, slowing to a trot, Temperance took in her surroundings hoping that they would have changed. Nothing but complete darkness, had she even moved from where she had started?
I'd just change this very slightly; "The thought surged through her. Slowing to a trot, Temperance took in her surroundings, hoping that they would have changed. There was nothing but complete darkness; had she even moved from where she had started?"
She had been running for hours? Days? She did not remember.
This sentence would probably sound slightly better changed, too. Something like "Had she been running for hours? Days? She did not remember." Or "She had been running for hours- or had it been days? She could not remember."
Temperance, the name meant self-control. Something the three year old did not have. She longed for it. Control of any kind, of her emotions, fears, even her body did things she could not control.
I'd change this very slightly as well: "Temperance. The name meant self-control; something the three year old did not have. She longed for it; control of any kind, of her emotions, or fears. Even her body did things she could not control."
All the sentences above sound okay as they are, but the suggestions I made for them are simply because I think it would make the sentences flow slightly better/make a little more sense rather than making the reader stop in the wrong places.
Light seemed to mock her. Laugh in her face. It was so beautiful so delicate and always within reach until she tried to grab it. No#FF0000 ">w she was hopeless, #FF0000 ">in the dark, and without meaning or purpose. There ha#FF0000 ">d to be something worth living for. Tossing her head, Temperance walked through the dark forest#FF0000 ">, following her feet. I am going to catch you one day#FF0000 ">, light#BF0000 ">,she thought to herself, #FF0000 ">but when I do you will wish I hadn’t#FF0000 ">.
~Notice that I took out my silly comment about the feet. ~
Overall, though, I really enjoyed reading this and thought it was a great piece.
But I am going to come back and fix them! Have fun rip it to shreds.
Points: 1890
Reviews: 56
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