To be quite honest, this bored me. There are several reasons:
This was almost painfully cliche. Plucky heroine who gets tortured? Check. Blatantly evil villain who enjoys torturing and plotting? Check. Supposedly evil but actually not very much so second in command/apprentice? Check. Plucky heroine and rightful heir to a throne as the main couple? Check. Love interest "just getting a feeling" their one true love is in danger? Check. Impulsive heroic rescue that means running headlong into a trap? Check.
Now, cliches aren't necessarily bad in and of themselves (there's a reason they're cliche, after all), but playing them all straight and without any strong characters... it really doesn't work. Everything becomes so predictable.
Try throwing in a couple of twists here and there that are unexpected. Try letting your characters run loose in the story rather than tie them down to the tale you have in mind. Try not to use so many typical (and therefore predictable) elements in your story. It will make your work more interesting to read.
Secondly, while I can see you tried to incorporate description, it didn't really work. Part of this had to do with what you chose to describe, and a lot with what you didn't describe. For instance, when one of the Cyth grabbed Mara's hair, that's all the description we get. There's no description of the pain she felt, or how difficult it was for her to stay in the saddle — both of these are relevant and rather important details that are rather obviously missing. In addition, when you do describe things, the descriptions are quite vague and not very descriptive. What exactly is a "long thin blade like object"? If it's a knife, state that it's a knife and describe what type of knife. Using such vague words as "object" sabotages your descriptions as you're essentially not describing anything at all.
Basically, if you're going to describe something, be more precise with your descriptions.
Thirdly, you jumped point-of-views a lot. This made it hard to follow the flow of events. One moment we're in Mara's head, then we're in the villain's, then his subordinate's and then... you get the idea. A bit more consistency in viewpoint would really help this piece be more easy to follow.
Lastly, I know you said not to comment on the grammar, but there were so many missing pieces of punctuation and misspelled words that it was a major detractor. I suggest editing before posting rather than post with the promise of editing because each error you have in a piece can really knock your readers out of your story, especially when there are so many.
Points: 72525
Reviews: 1220
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