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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hi! I'm back to continue reading with a fresh mind.
And I also went ahead and edited your story JUST to fix the formatting (don't panic XD). There's a selection below the box you paste your story in which offers different types of special formatting. I went ahead and chose the story one for you. This way, the paragraphs are spaced apart, making it much easier to read for us. 'Cause, honestly. I'm so old, my eyes need love. 
So far, I'm doing pretty well following! So yay! In fact, the bits about Zilar and Dalek in the beginning tied nicely together, so it's not getting as hectic as the other chapters were feeling at times. Longer chunks helps to grow attachment.
Speaking of attachment! I thought of an idea that may help you out. Last chapter, I believe, I mentioned how excited I was that you were using your knowledge of horses in your writing. I still think this is brilliant, and one thing you might enjoy doing is giving them character. Right now, the horses just feel like props, but I think you would definitely understand horses have a lot of character. Just as much as humans! They can be stubborn, friendly, agile, fancy -- pick an adjective, really! Perhaps work on characterizing your horses too since your characters use them a lot anyway. They'd have grown attachment to their respective horses! You do this with a couple horses, but not all of them will be so quick to be ridden by a stranger, I don't think?
Hastiin had a weird personality change in my head. He seemed like a calm, sneaky character. Then he snapped at his sister? xD Especially after just finding her, they're suddenly bickering like siblings. I think people would just address the purpose for meeting with that person, unless it's in their character to get sidetracked. Does that make sense? xD
Scenes as short as this:
Have a questionable purpose, I think. xD Not sure why it's there. I mean, it's important to point out so-and-so are changing their plans. But it's so random, it feels like. This happens quite a bit, which is why I encourage the longer entries. They always seem meatier. They have more to them that the reader can enjoy and get wrapped up in, rather than the short, schizophrenic-like story that bounces briefly from scene to scene. Also, why did it take him so long to find out he dropped his dagger? (I also can't remember if this bit was hinted at all before. If not, foreshadowing is your friend. Find a place for that! It keeps the reader interested.
Why would dad want son and chick to see each other in the dungeons? Wouldn't that just encourage the thought of breaking out or trash talk against dad? Is there any particular reason that he wants them to see each other? Perhaps a bittersweet prison? Is he that kind of person to care?
And I feel like Ximon, if he's at all roguish, would be able to think of a proper response. Perhaps a vague one or even a lie that would get him out of shackles. His buddy Daiki would be able to help him out, or anyone at all, once Ximon was released. I think that's something to keep in mind with all of your assassins. Make sure some of them are as roguish as an assassin suggests. There are also different kinds of assassins: thieves, rogues, mercenaries, poison masters, etc. Perhaps work with making this clear among your characters as well!
Keep writing!
Jabber, the One and Only!
Um...one suggestion, you might want to rate this and the previous episodes 12+. Just a thought. Oh and...More!