Last Chance...

This is for a contest....just thought I would give it a try. REVIEW PLEASE:)

Darkness engulfed him as he walked down the long passageway. His heart raced, beating rapidly against his chest. He could barely slow it down. Mosi looked back and forth between the cells. Searching…looking for the right one. He stopped, finding cover in the shadows. A Cyth stood at the end of the passage. The creature looked around, tilting his head slightly listening. Mosi struggled to slow down his heart, he needed to focus. He had to find her, the one who changed him. The one in the cell numbered 4815.

After a few moments silence, the Cyth turned down another passage. Mosi quickly went back to work only this time moving faster down the halls. Taking a turn, he finally found it. Cell 4815. Its door did not have a window like the others. It was solid, able to keep out the screams from its prisoners. Mosi pulled out a small golden key and pushed it into the keyhole. Turning it cautiously, Mosi jumped as the lock clicked open. The sound seemed to echo through the long hall alerting everyone in the dungeon that someone was escaping that a forbidden door was opening for the first time. Taking a deep breath Mosi pushed the cold door open.

Gasparina was hanging from the ceiling. Her eyes closed, blood oozed freely from her wounds. The shackles wrapped around her wrists, holding her in place, their grip tightening every time she moved. Mosi rushed to the wheel on the wall and brought her down.

Her legs could not hold her, Gasparina collapsed to the ground unconscious. Mosi ran to her side and unshackled her. Holding her in his arms, he caressed her face.

He had never told her how much he cared for her. He always said it after she had her back turned. Once she was gone he whispered the three words that where reserved for her ears alone. Her eyes flickered open, she took a deep breathe but winced at the pain it caused her.

“Mosi?” He could scarcely hear her. Her voice was but a whisper, barely audible.

He smiled weakly at her, holding her hand. “Yes, I’m getting you out of this God-forsaken place.”

Mosi moved towards the door keeping her close to him. He wasn’t going to lose her. Not now, not here. They moved quietly through the halls. A Cyth appeared in front of them, his sword drawn. Mosi place Gasparina gently on the floor unsheathing his weapon. This creature was not going to stop him.

The sound of metal on metal erupted in the dungeon. The Cyth was skilled and seemed to have no weak points. Mosi struggled to keep up with him, whenever an opportunity appeared to slice the creatures head off the Cyth would block him. Finally! Mosi cut the Cyth’s abdomen, the creature fell the ground. He would heal soon, he had to act quickly. Mosi aimed and swiftly took the Cyth’s head off.

He returned to Gasparina’s side, he went to pick her up but she stopped him, holding his arm weakly. “Mosi...” She gasped for air, “I’m not going to make it. Leave me, get out of here!” Her breathing quickened. She did not have long.

Mosi knelt beside her, tears filled his eyes. “No…no.” He shook his head, squeezing her hand softly. “You can’t leave…not again.”

She smiled trying to reassure him. “We will see each other again-“ Her heart stopped, she couldn’t breathe. Mosi held her close, his tears landing on her face as she struggled for air. Just moments later the life left her. Her body relaxed in Mosi’s arms.

He leaned over and whispered lightly in her ear, “I love you.” She was gone again and he had missed his chance.

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Thu Jun 30, 2011 1:20 am

BluesClues wrote a review...

Hello, and thank you for entering my contest, "The Little Things."

You did a good job setting up the world in which your story takes place. Although you didn't tell us a lot about it, you were able to get across enough that the story seems believable in the context of the setting. The only question I had about your world while reading the story was what a Cyth is (and specifically, what it looks like).

Something I think you could improve on is showing versus telling. You did a good job showing us what's going, but you add a lot of telling on to that. In your case, it's not that you tell RATHER THAN show - it's that you add unnecessary telling on to the showing. Here's an example:

She smiled trying to reassure him. “We will see each other again-“ Her heart stopped, she couldn’t breathe. Mosi held her close, his tears landing on her face as she struggled for air. Just moments later the life left her. Her body relaxed in Mosi’s arms.

He leaned over and whispered lightly in her ear, “I love you.” She was gone again and he had missed his chance.

Now, you could cut out probably about a third of this and still get across the same thing, this way:

She smiled, trying to reassure him.

“We will see each other again.“

~~Her heart stopped, she couldn’t breathe.~~Mosi held her close, his tears landing on her face as she struggled for air. ~~Just~~Moments later ~~the life left her.~~ her body relaxed in Mosi’s arms.

He leaned over and whispered ~~lightly~~ in her ear, “I love you.” ~~She was gone again and he had missed his chance.~~

If you feel that something NEEDS to be added on to the end of that, you could add something simple like, "She didn't hear him." You already let us know that he'd never told her, and you already got across the fact that she dies just before he finally does tell her - so it's overkill to say that "she was gone again and he had missed his chance."

You're good at showing - you just need to cut the telling. Trust your talents. Trust your reader. They will be able to figure out what's going on.

~Blue

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Mon Jun 20, 2011 6:58 pm

kjr5horses says...

Yes I know the story just fell apart I had just finished rewriting Episode 5 ( Also known as far away..) And I was not in the best of moods so the story fell apart, I had a different plan for it. The problem was that I was forcing my fingers into writing this piece, this is a short story not part of novel like the other one. I wrote it in 5 minutes or so...so it is VERY rough and not that good.

*Laughs Darkly* Cyth are...well just wait a few years and you will understand I promise You will be at the book store or at the movies and you will understand my friend...and you will tremble in your custom baby seal leather boots.

KJR

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Mon Jun 20, 2011 6:44 pm

lilymoore wrote a review...

Back again! Hey there, horses!

First off, some nitpicks!

The one in the cell numbered 4815.

This is a little odd but for some reason, “the” feels repetitive (it is an odd word to have feeling repetitive but it happens I guess.” I would maybe reword this to say: “The one in cell number 4815.”

After a few moments of silence, the Cyth …

You need an “of” right there. Prepositions, though often very small words, are rather important most of the time.

The sound seemed to echo through the long hall alerting everyone in the dungeon that someone was escaping ~~that~~ a forbidden door was opening for the first time.

I would make this two sentences by cutting out “that” and capitalizing “a.”

Her eyes flickered open, she took a deep breathe but winced at the pain it caused her.

This, again, is a run-on sentence. Also, “breathe” is a verb. You want the noun form, “breath.”

Finally! Mosi cut the Cyth’s abdomen, the creature fell the ground.

Okay, you don’t need to have “finally” in there with the exclamation point. I would just go ahead and turn the exclamation point into a comma. Also, the second part, as it is now, is a run-on sentence. (You’ve really got to watch out for those, you know.)

Okay, I will say this much: You have a niche. You’re stories, unfortunately, end the same, especially after coming from just reading “Far Away.” A lot of what I said in my other review applies here, especially the “Lovers for Lover’s Sake” part and what I said about the Cyth's (I still have no idea what they are) and what I said about run-ons. Watch out for those because it can make you look silly. Grammar is really important.

You’ve still got some work to do with this as a contest piece but I wish you luck!
~lilymoore

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Sun Jun 19, 2011 4:03 am

kjr5horses says...

Oh come on......I can't give everything away jut yet

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Sun Jun 19, 2011 3:54 am

charcoalspacewolfman wrote a review...

I suppose there's a message there. Like; stop dawdling, dipwad. Or maybe, bring a medical kit, dipwad. Or any number of things, I suppose.
You have a great propensity for killing off your character's loved ones, it seems. This is saddening, but considering the fact that people everyday die, it lends a certain sense of realism to your tale. Which means I can have sympathy for your character, at least.
OK, so I do have a few minor questions. And you need to proofread, since there were a coupla errors which I'm too lazy to point out specifically.
Is the gold key a special key that unlocks anything, or is it just the cell key? If it is the cell key, why is it golden? Why is Gasparina in a different cell from the others?
That's pretty much it (you don't have to actually answer these questions, it just struck me as odd).
Overall, it felt a bit rushed, which is to be expected since it's short, but it was pretty good otherwise. Keep it up.

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Sat Jun 18, 2011 1:50 pm

Bhayden71297 wrote a review...

I liked it in general, pieced nicely.
What caught me right away was your second sentence. For some reason I stumbled through that. It didn't flow like the rest.

kjr5horses wrote:His heart raced, it beat against his chest, he could barely slow it down.

Maybe something like- "His heart raced beating rapidly against his chest; he couldn't slow it down." Or make it two sentences. "His heart raced, beating rapidly against his chest. He couldn't slow it down."

Or maybe- "His heart raced against his chest, and he was unable to slow it down." (Since you already know that when a heart is racing, it is beating rapidly, you don't need to add in that part.)

Anyway would be fine, really. But the way you have it placed is as a fragment. This is just a suggestion, in my opinion (IMO), and if you don't see it as a problem, don't worry about it.

Left me wanting more though

-Brie

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Tue Jun 14, 2011 2:37 pm

kjr5horses says...

Thanks for the reviews! I hope to get more soon!

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Tue Jun 14, 2011 12:28 am

Scarlet15 says...

I thought this was pretty good. It always made me want to know what was happening next. :3

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Mon Jun 13, 2011 11:59 pm

theotherone wrote a review...

Hello there.

I'll begin with nitpicks and then go on with my overall impression of your story.

The sound seemed to echo through the long hall alerting everyone in the dungeon that someone was escaping #FF0000 ">comma, that a forbidden door was opening for the first time. Taking a deep breath #FF0000 ">comma, Mosi pushed the cold door open.

Mosi moved towards the door #FF0000 ">comma, keeping her close to him.

She smiled #FF0000 ">comma, trying to reassure him.

I noticed you made a few punctuation mistakes. They aren't big and it's pretty easy to correct them. I have a trick for you: if you read your story out loud a few days after you wrote it, you will find most of mistakes that are hiding in there. Normally, when you read it out loud, you'll be able to see punctuation mistakes and typos.

Plot wise it was okay. A little bit weird, like Free Writer said, but it's good. There's a few things you could add though, like why the girl was in this prison, or even what happened to her? Where were they, what was their relationship like... It could add a little bit more to the story.

I liked the beginning with the suspense and the mystical feel.

Keep writing!

-Other One

Points: 3820
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Mon Jun 13, 2011 11:03 pm

freewritersavvy says...

Hmm.... I 'like' it....

It is very... different.

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