An old poem that I never posted.
Then again, I haven't been on here for quite
awhile... Sorry, I'm rambling. >_>
Can anyone say why it's all squished together?
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monday, october 5th 2009
eight : thirty-three pm
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Silky strands of strawberry curls stray
and jostle against a freckled strewn face,
buried within Earth’s grasp
of green fingers and blooming
c h i l d r e n.
All, ever lovingly reaching outward to
grasp hold of life as it falls from the sky
in a tinsel array of golden breath,
and streamers drenched in tears.
Squeals and screams ring out…
But the chaos is controlled as
the hawks keep on lookout.
Mother’s [eyes], ever vigil, watch their
flesh and bones frolic unaware,
blissful, ignorant, of the monsters
that have evolved from
u n d e r t h e b e d.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Overall, the poem has a sweet, mellow taste, but lacks a certain powerful flavour, that totally blasts my mouth and leaves me reeling back. I think it's to do with the fact that you have used very similar and slightly 'worn-out' or 'cliche' imager - kind of like things we'd all expect to see. Be inventive, be creative, be ORIGINAL. Let your imagination run wild, see what you come up with. But remember to put a lid on it too and anchor your poem as well.
Sibilance somehow doesn't work for me. It sounds like the writer is trying too hard to impress. Your first line, starting off with 'Strawberry curls...' is too 'ss-y'. Rework this, so it starts off with more of a bang.
so, to be grammatically correct, it would have to be "freckle-strewn" or "freckled face."
I liked the spacing out of the two lines because they simply stood out more, but I must agree with perdido, ending lines on prepositions killed some of the flow, and with it the mood. Sorry if it's killing your individuality. :] Otherwise, I liked it.
Toodles!
I really liked the poem. And i think you don't need to fix the line breaks. If everybody wrote by the same rules poems would be as boring as watching C-span. Not only do those two lines add emphasis but they also give it a unique characteristic flair.
I didn't like how those two lines were isolated and spaced out like that.
I also had a problem with some of the enjambment, usually you should never end a line on a preposition... So it would probably be beneficial to rework some of the line breaks so things flow more effectively.
Other then that, I think your word choice is pretty good, there are some good sensory details, there's nothing though that really makes me want to remember this poem for very long.
Happy hunting.